How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist: Strategies & Cheat Sheet

• Your co-parent starts and escalates conflict 
  
  “Here’s how narcissism shows up in the co-parenting world: The conflict is not like normal conflict,” says Micaela Van Dine, court-ordered forensic therapist and custody evaluator. “It’s a thousand times worse, because every little thing turns into a conflict.” This creates problems in your co-parenting relationship and in court.  
  
  “You could tell a narcissist, ‘The sky is blue!’ And they would argue that the sky is plaid. Everything you say turns into a fight.” An uncooperative co-parent continues to escalate conflict even if you’re trying to compromise.
• Your co-parent ignores or breaks your boundaries 
  
  Boundaries are crucial when dealing with any difficult person. When you set a boundary around yourself, it means you won’t tolerate a specific behavior that affects you. If that behavior happens, you will respond, or not respond, in a certain way.  
  
  For example, you may set a boundary that you’ll only communicate through a co-parenting app. If your co-parent emails, texts, and calls you, they’re breaking that boundary. (To maintain that boundary, don’t respond to messages outside the app.)
• Your co-parent lacks empathy and isn’t flexible 
  
  “In my professional experience,” explains Van Dine, “high-conflict people tend to not see things through the eyes of the children. They also don't see how the other co-parent is experiencing the situation. There's no empathy there.  
  
  “It is simply about how they are experiencing the situation, and how they are being slighted, and how they are being inconvenienced. That’s how it looks from the professional side.” 
  
  “But many co-parents are not very empathetic,” notes Dr. Christine A. Profito, a licensed clinical psychologist and qualified parenting coordinator working with the National Cooperative Parenting Center (NCPC). “If you say, ‘I have this doctor's appointment, and I really need you to switch,’ or ‘My favorite cousin is getting married, can't we make some different arrangements?’ Your co-parent might say, ‘Too bad, too sad! I don't care.’ It's easy, I think, to say, ‘There they are, being a narcissist again.’  
  
  “But maybe they're just so angry with you, and you are having difficulties in communication, or maybe they're really holding firm to their boundaries, and that feels like they lack empathy. It could be a lot of different things that don't necessarily mean narcissism, but often people put it through that filter.”
• Your co-parent blames everyone and never admits fault 
  
  “What's interesting is that narcissists are very predictable,” says Van Dine. “One of the things that always comes out first is that when they're asked a question, there's no accountability. It's always the other parent's fault.  
  
  “Even if you ask them a very direct question, it will always come back to the other parent’s fault: ‘They never let me do XYZ.’ ‘They always bad mouth me to the children.’ And when you say, ‘Okay, give me an example,’ they start to divert the attention away from it. There’s a lot of deflection. 
  
  “Of course, when co-parents first come into sessions, they might be naturally defensive, and their emotions will be heightened (we're talking about people's children!). But after a while, they'll calm down a little bit, and then they'll start being more child focused and solution focused. I usually give them one or two sessions to get into that mode. But when they're still continuing with that lack of accountability, still blaming and deflecting rather than focusing on the child, that's when I know what we're dealing with.” 
  
  “They're always right,” adds Billie Tarascio, a family law attorney, published author, and national speaker. “They know better than anyone. They fire all their lawyers. They never listen to their lawyers. They don't listen to the judge. They think that they know. They literally think that they are the expert in everything.”
• Your co-parent shows intense, unmanaged emotions 
  
  Intense emotions often come through in communication styles. Your co-parent might think in all-or-nothing patterns. Or they might blame you, and everyone else. They might say or write long monologues instead of having a back-and-forth conversation. In writing, they might use all caps, bolding, italics, underlining, and highlighting. 
  
  This type of co-parent wants to "win the divorce" so they look good. When they think they might lose their image, they panic. So they play the victim and blame their co-parent. Winning the divorce makes them feel accomplished. It proves that they’re right and worthy.
• Your co-parent views themselves as important and accomplished 
  
  Dr. Profito explains, “A sense of self-importance would look like, ‘I'm the breadwinner. Aren't you so lucky to be married to me? Aren’t you lucky that I have my prestigious job? I am clearly the most important person in this family.’  
  
  “The best way to respond to this type of talk is to not respond at all. 
  
  “The narcissist believes that he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should only be associated with, other special people. And if someone is not special, then they’ll get rid of those people.  
  
  “That's when you normally start getting the more aggressive, haughty, hostile talking-down. Like, ‘Learn how to text,’ or, ‘Learn how to read.’ Or, ‘No, that's not what I said,’ even when they're wrong. That type of petty behaviors. Generally, those messages start to escalate things.” 
  
  Dr. Profito adds, “It's no fun for the narcissist, either, because they truly generally have a blindness to this. It's not like, ‘I know I'm reacting or behaving in a self-important, entitled manner, and I shouldn’t.’ Instead, there is an inability to really see that this is what's happening.”
• Your co-parent gaslights you and manipulates you 
  
  “The idea of gaslighting,” explains Dr. Profito, “is that ‘this is my reality, and somebody else is telling me a counter to my reality.’ This behavior can stem from narcissistic-seeming traits like inflexibility and a sense of self-importance. 
  
  “Your co-parent may think their perspective is the only truth. However, there might be more to the story. Perhaps they just really have a different perspective. That occurs frequently! You can still have your opinion, and that can still be authentic and true to you. But do you understand where this other person might be coming from, or that they're experiencing it in this other way?”
• Your co-parent acts entitled 
  
  Entitlement—feeling like they deserve whatever they want—is common in these situations. Dr. Profito says, “If your co-parent feels entitled to a Christmas holiday, or vacation plans, or they made last-minute changes, they might feel like you should just accommodate that. 
  
  “That’s where some of those boundaries would come in saying, ‘I'm sorry, no. I cannot adjust my plans.’ Say it in a non-confrontational way, because needling someone back is not going to solve anything either. But that’s an important boundary: Just because you've asked or demanded something, doesn't mean I have to acquiesce. 
  
  “The sense of entitlement comes with ‘unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance.’ There isn't that pause that a lot of people have, an ‘I hope it works out’ type of reaction. And that's why there's such a strong reaction if there’s pushback. If somebody has a boundary and says, ‘No, I'm sorry. That's not going to work for me,’ it takes them by surprise.”
• Your co-parent uses the children as weapons 
  
  Trying to win at all costs is another common behavior. So they drag out the divorce by fighting over co-parenting issues. That way, this co-parent keeps control over their spouse. That makes them feel superior. They claim to want what’s best for their kids, but their motivation is selfish. They may fight for more parenting time just to keep the children away from you. 
  
  “It looks like this,” says Tarascio. “You're trying to have a conversation about an issue with your child. You're trying to co-parent, and you get responses back that talk about what a horrible parent you are, and how you left and ruined the family, and that's why your children are having the issues that they're having. They're not going to give you the agreement, because they know that it's important to you and they want to hurt you, even if it means making decisions that are not good for your child.” 
  
  It’s not about the kids—it’s about destroying the other person. There’s no collaboration or cooperation, just power dynamics. They want to be in control. They view divorce as a zero-sum game with a winner and a loser. They may try to manipulate your emotions. They might try to manipulate the attorneys, mediator, therapists, and judge. In the courtroom, they might refuse to follow legal orders. They also might withhold evidence or lie about the other person’s parenting. 
  
  A fear of abandonment comes from emotional insecurity. And divorce feels like abandonment. This type of co-parent might draw out the divorce to keep their emotional connection, even if it’s negative.
• Your co-parent doesn’t follow the rules 
  
  “People who act out narcissistic behaviors just don't follow the rules,” explains Tarascio. “And courts are terrible at holding people accountable. They give people a lot of leeway—like, child support isn't late until the month is over. So your co-parent might play with the timing of making payments. Or they might refuse reimbursements, until you file a petition to enforce, and then they pay. They might engage with your lawyer excessively in order to cost you money.”
• Your co-parent pushes your boundaries 
  
  Narcissistic people don’t have empathy and don’t follow rules. And that's how they respond to your rules or boundaries. Say you set a boundary: “We will only talk about the kids.” Then your co-parent is likely to send you a lot of messages that aren’t about the kids.
• Your co-parent charms everyone into believing them 
  
  “There are a lot of very charming narcissists,” Tarascio notes. “That is probably the most tricky situation. Those with a high emotional intelligence level who can really make themselves look completely normal. They can explain away all their behavior. It's really tough.”  
  
  They might charm their attorney, your attorney, a therapist, a co-parenting coordinator, or even the judge. That leaves you wondering how everyone could believe what they’re saying.
• Your co-parent isolates and manipulates the kids 
  
  “Narcissistic parents use manipulation,” says Van Dine. “They capitalize on cognitive dissonance to isolate the children from people that threaten to expose them for who they are under their mask.” Cognitive dissonance happens when you hold two opposite beliefs at the same time. It is extremely uncomfortable. 
  
  “It is common for a narcissistic parent to paint themselves in a ‘victim role’ in order to gain empathy and alignment from the child or children.  This undermines the relationship between the child and the healthy parent and forces the child to play emotional caretaker to the narcissistic parent.  
  
  “This tactic is psychologically abusive. It serves the narcissist in that it makes the child doubt any negative comments about the narcissistic parent, due to the extreme level of cognitive dissonance present.” 
  
  “Manipulation and isolation certainly indicate concerns of that resist/refuse dynamics are at play (commonly called parental alienation),” says Dr. Profito. “This can be because the coparent is narcissistic.  But it may also indicate power/control dynamics, retaliation, and/or fear. A qualified professional (i.e. social investigator) would be the one to best determine the presence of true narcissism, gatekeeping, or other resist/refuse dynamics.”
• Your co-parent undermines your parenting 
  
  This type of co-parent might try to convince the kids that you’re the bad one. It's an example of manipulation and blaming. Your co-parent might lie, warp the truth, and/or tell facts that aren’t appropriate for children to hear. Your co-parent might make themselves look good by comparing themselves to you. The goal is to undermine you.
• Your self-esteem plummets 
  
  You might begin to question yourself. If your co-parent belittles you long enough, you might start believing some of the terrible things they say. Sometimes their goal is to make you feel bad about yourself, and sometimes they succeed. They might feel good about themselves in comparison.
• Your co-parent creates a detailed parenting plan 
  
  This one is a bit tricky. In the next section, we’ll recommend that you create a detailed parenting plant. It isn’t necessarily a red flag—sometimes it’s a crucial tactic. But in the presence of other concerning signs, it can indicate that someone is trying to control the situation, sometimes to an unhealthy degree.  

• Focus on the behavior, not the label or the intention  
  
  “You need to stay away from talking about feelings, opinions, values, labeling, and mental health disorders,” cautions Dené Carroll, a licensed clinical social worker. “It’s important to stay focused on what's okay and what's not okay, based on what's going on.  
  
  “For example, ‘It's not okay with me that you pick our kid up from after-school care early every day, because we're about to lose our spot in the daycare if they're not there all day. So I need an agreement that our child will stay in the program at least 75% of the time.’ Just be super clear, practical, and very black and white. Stay away from all the assumptions and the noise. Get really laser focused on the actual impact.” 
  
  Carroll adds a specific example from her therapy practice: “We have an issue right now in our office where this kid is allegedly very scared of his dad. This Dad has not compromised one time in co-parenting counseling, but he has had many demands and requests for flexibility from the Mom. And there's a history of domestic violence.  
  
  “The therapist requested that the parents rotate bringing the kid to the office. On Mom's days to bring the kid to the office, the Dad also comes and just sits. Why? Is it intimidation? Is it narcissism? It doesn't matter. That behavior is not okay. That's disruptive.  
  
  “And that's a behavior, not a label. You can respond with a specific boundary: ‘You bring the child on your day. You don't show up on the other person's day.’ And then, if there's a chronic boundary violation, you have to deal with that.”
• Get everything on the record
  
  When dealing with narcissism in co-parenting, documentation is everything. Your co-parent might respond with bullying, gaslighting, demands, insults, excessive messages, or harassment. But it will be clear as day in the documentation. Any legal or mental health professionals reviewing your records will discover it. 
  
  A co-parenting app documents every message. Some apps include timestamps for when you last logged in and when you first opened a message. This means there’s no way to protest, “I didn’t see that message!” Or, “That’s not what I said!” 
  
  Some apps have additional features. If your co-parent won’t reimburse you for a split expense, some apps will show that. If they don’t answer your video call at the scheduled time, the record will show that, too.  
  
  “We don't know the root cause of the behavior,” says Dr. Rebecca Bailey, PhD, trauma therapist, author, and founder of Transitioning Families and the Polyvagal Equine Institute. “That's why a co-parenting app is an effective tool, because it takes that piece out and focuses on direct concrete behavior on the record.”

• Set firm boundaries—and stick to them  
  
  Setting boundaries with a high-conflict co-parent is difficult, but important. “Keep your boundaries,” says Dr. Bailey, “and don't get sucked into your co-parent’s self-reflection. Remind yourself that your job is to stay focused on yourself and your piece of the conflict. 
  
  “So know where your boundaries are and create them after a lot of reflection. Regardless of whether we call it narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits, boundaries are crucial. It’s very important to hold those boundaries so that we establish a healthy pattern of ‘yes means yes,’ and ‘no means no.’” 
  
  “Here’s an example of a boundary,” says Carroll. “‘I'm not okay with you making any commentary about my personal life in your messages to me on OurFamilyWizard.’ Some co-parents would say something like, ‘I know you and your new boyfriend are going on vacation this weekend, which is why you can't have the kids, and you want me to have them. So yeah, I guess I'll watch the kids while you go off and have your new life.’ You can respond like this: ‘It's not okay with me that you make any commentary about my life. I need you to stay focused on the request, which is, can you please have the kids for this weekend?’ 
  
  “This is where the self-focus comes in for the other person,” adds Carroll. “Don’t respond by saying, ‘I'm not going on vacation with my boyfriend, I'm going to visit family! And who are you to say…’ Instead of looking at themselves and their reaction, they're fanning the flame on this dysfunctional dynamic.  
  
  “While it's easy to point the finger, it's also important for that person to look at, ‘What do I need to shift, so that my side of the street is clean on this and I don’t get sucked into the narcissistic vortex?’ Because it's very disorienting. People who are co-parenting with a narcissist feel very disoriented: ‘We just started off by talking about switching weekends, and now we're 10 miles this way, and I don't even know where we are or what we're talking about!’”
• Limit contact (including interactions at pick-ups and drop-offs) 
  
  Don’t see your co-parent more than necessary. It only opens up opportunities for them to belittle, manipulate, and upset you.  
  
  So only see your co-parent at exchanges, and keep it brief. Say hello, be polite, but don’t chat.  
  
  When you communicate, keep it in writing. Use a co-parenting app so everything is automatically documented. Keep every conversation focused only on the kids. If the message brings up anything other than essential kid stuff, ignore those parts—even if it’s a long, angry message that makes you feel riled up. (Take a minute after you read a message and before you respond.) 

• Go to individual therapy—with a good therapist 
  
  “You may need your own therapist to support you,” says Dr. Profito, “because it's easy to get caught in your own feelings and then start labeling. It's easy to place the blame elsewhere, and not say, ‘How do I co-parent in this situation?’” 
  
  It’s important to find the right therapist for your situation. Van Dine says, “Any professional who is trained as a court custody evaluator, or a court custody recommending counselor, is trained in managing high-conflict personalities, including disordered people who are not child focused. Some people have mental health issues that aren't diagnosed or managed, so we have specialized training in that. Going to counseling with a therapist that doesn't have training in those areas is not a good idea.”
• Communicate calmly and strategically to limit communication 
  
  The High Conflict Institute recommends using the BIFF method of communication. Stay brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Then it’s harder for your co-parent to latch onto what you said and escalate the situation.
  • B: Brief. Don’t say more than necessary to communicate practical information. That helps keep the focus on the issue, rather than opening up a larger dialogue.
  • I: Informative. Focus on the facts, details, and requests. Avoid personal comments or arguing.
  • F: Friendly. Keep a friendly or neutral tone to calm conflict—try not to sound angry or combative. Consider adding a sentence like, “Have a good day,” or “I understand why you’re concerned.”
  • F: Firm. Make clear statements about what you need, or what you will or won’t do, and stick to them. Be confident in your statement rather than opening up a discussion about it.

For more suggestions, read our co-parenting guide for healthy communication. However, not all of these tips will be effective when dealing with narcissistic behaviors.  

“Less is more,” says Carroll. “The more information you give to a narcissist, the more they'll spin out. So if you respond, and you put in too much detail, you're not going to get a response to the thing you need. Stick to two to three sentences, max, without any extra commentary. Be brief and be boring. Be the most boring person in this person's life, so they won’t want to engage.” 

Dr. Profito says, “It may be helpful to couch that in a gentle way, like, ‘I'm really sorry that your vacation plans changed, but I'm not able to adjust or do that time swap with you,’ That might help limit the fiery response that you get back. But you don't have to. You could just say, ‘No, that doesn't work.’ 

“I would definitely respond, though, because typically not responding doesn't help things. It just makes somebody text or message or call more, which increases the agitation level on both sides. So responding is normally a good thing, but you can be as succinct as you want to be. 

“It is not your job to appease this person, or to calm them down, or to fix anything that's going on. It is just to respond, and to parent on your time in the best way that you can.”

• Avoid conflict and negativity 
  
  You can’t prevent conflict, but you can avoid playing into it. Try the JADE method, popularized by Al-Anon. Don’t:
  • Justify
  • Argue
  • Defend
  • Explain

This reduces the negativity on your end, at least, and it usually doesn’t incite more conflict. Instead, just state your message and leave it at that. Keep it short and limit it to kid-focused information only.  

• Focus on supporting your children and meeting their needs
  
  It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in your emotions when you have to tell stories about your past in court, especially if there’s any history of abuse or trauma. That’s why it’s so important to go to therapy to process those emotions. 
  
  Your practical energy needs to focus on parenting your children, keeping them safe, making them feel loved, and raising them to have strong communication skills and coping skills.
• Consider parallel parenting instead of co-parenting 
  
  Co-parenting may seem impossible. Especially if your co-parent counter-parents by trying to block you at every turn. That’s where parallel parenting comes in. The parents communicate very little and don’t try to coordinate. They just parent their own way on their own time. “Parallel parenting is sometimes the only way to make the chaos stop,” says Van Dine.  
  
  “In these cases, the courts will usually grant one parent final decision-making authority, or legal custody. The parents may have joint physical custody, but if there's a disagreement between the parents, and they can’t settle it within five days, then the parent with legal custody gets the final say.  
  
  “This really helps the parents avoid going back to court. It keeps them out of the system, and it stops the conflict. That is very helpful for the children and for the parent who does not have a high-conflict personality. ‘I can get my child the dental care they need. I can take my child to therapy, and I don't have to fight about it.’ Parallel parenting is just strictly business.” 
  
  Parallel parenting is most appropriate if you and your co-parent disagree and argue across the board—not just about a few specific issues. If your co-parent won’t cooperate with the parenting plan, it might be time to consider parallel parenting.  
  
  “They're making issues out of everything,” says Van Dine. “They're being combative just for the sake of it. They're disagreeing with everything, even simple things like ‘our child has a cavity and needs to get it filled.’ One parent might make an appointment with the child’s established dentist, and the other parent cancels the appointment.” Those might be reasons for the non-escalated parent to seek sole legal custody.  

• Manage your own mental health through self-care 
  
  Therapy, therapy, therapy. If you’re going through too much to handle it on your own, seek professional support. An unbiased outside observer can help you keep a clear perspective. You can uncover what’s true, what’s real, and what’s best for you and your children. 
  
  It helps your mental health if you stay calm when you’re around your co-parent. (For example, at drop-offs and pick-ups or in court or mediation). The more upset you get, the more you activate your emotions, and the harder it is to manage them. Be kind to yourself, learn ways to calm your body, and change your focus when possible.
• Keep co-parenting conflict away from the kids  
  
  “Conflict is what kids cannot endure,” Van Dine explains. “So when there's conflict between the parents, the kids suffer. It's just that simple. When parents think, ‘Oh, we're completely protecting them from conflict,’ think again.  
  
  “Kids can sense when their parents are about to go to court. I've had little kids tell me, ‘I know when court is coming because Mommy puts on her best suit.’ ‘I know when court's coming, because Daddy's got this stack of papers that he sticks in his special bag.’ ‘I know when Mommy has been to court, because she doesn't get out of bed the day after.’”
• Watch out for narcissistic triggers 
  
  “Narcissists have extremely low self-esteem and fear being exposed,” says Van Dine. “It is best to limit interactions with this type of person as much as possible.” 
  
  Van Dine suggests these tactics:
  • Keep communication to writing.
  • Follow the BIFF method when you have to communicate with your co-parent. Keep your communication:
    • Brief
    • Informative 
    • Friendly
    • Firm 

“Narcissists thrive on attention and will go to great lengths to gain attention from people they deem as their ‘supply.’ If you are one of their ‘supplies,’ try to ignore them as much as possible. Do not react, respond, or engage unless it is absolutely necessary.” 

• Create a very detailed parenting plan 
  
  The parenting plan establishes specific details about how you’ll co-parent. It spans custody schedule changes to decisions about healthcare. If it’s in the parenting plan, then that settles any disagreements. Here’s a checklist for what your parenting plan should include:
  • Parenting time schedule
  • How to make changes to the schedule
  • Different rules for holidays and special dates
  • Rules around travel and vacations
  • Communication with extended family and friends
  • How you’ll make important decisions about health care, discipline, religion, schooling, and more
  • How you’ll split expenses
  • How you’ll communicate with each other
  • Whether you’re working with a parenting coordinator
  • Whether you both have the right of first refusal 

Detail all of that in your parenting plan. Then you can minimize conflict, even with someone who shows narcissistic behaviors. If your co-parent disagrees with or doesn’t cooperate with the parenting plan, document it. If needed, you can bring it to your lawyer or to court.  

“We take whatever the behavior is,” Tarascio explains, “and then apply it to whatever the situation is. Let's say you have to arrange flights, and you're supposed to pay a percentage of those flights. Your co-parent might pick the most expensive flights or the most last-minute flights. So I prefer in that situation, that Mom arranges some flights and Dad arranges other flights.  

“That removes the need for collaboration or agreement. I want to remove as many agreements as possible to allow you to parallel parent—to allow you to independently follow the parenting plan without talking or coordinating. So if Dad makes more money than Mom, and there's five flights a year, maybe Dad is responsible for these three flights, and Mom is responsible for these two flights. And then all you have to do is send the flight info and get your kids to the airport. 

“Most of the time, the pattern exists already. We know what the issues are going to be. When somebody calls me to say, ‘this is what's happened,’ we knew that was going to happen! So we spend a lot of time thinking about and drafting a proposed parenting plan that addresses all of these things, and most of the time they can be addressed in a very neutral way.  

“There's not a huge difference between splitting flights 70/30 versus they pay for three and you pay for two. It's the same split, but we've now taken away five problems a year.” 

• Follow court orders 
  
  Communicate only on a co-parenting app. This will significantly increase the likelihood that all your communications will be easily admissible in court.  
  
  With your lawyer’s help, get your custody arrangements and your parenting plan on the record.  
  
  Always exchange your kids on time according to the parenting plan (don’t withhold your kids).
• Parent positively 
  
  There are seven positive childhood experiences, or PCEs, that help children develop resilience. You can foster PCEs no matter what your co-parent does.  
  
  By leaning into these positive experiences, you can reduce or even neutralize the stress and trauma your child is experiencing. They will still feel some stress right now, but it won’t have a severe lasting impact on their mental health.
• Don’t feel sorry for your child 
  
  Maybe you can’t help feeling sad for your child, knowing they have a parent with narcissistic traits. But it helps to avoid showing those feelings to your child. Instead of making them feel better, it can make them feel torn between their parents. It can make them even more uncomfortable around their other parent. 
  
  Instead, focus on practical skills your child can use to protect themselves.
• Control yourself 
  
  Try not to get dragged into emotional arguments with your co-parent. Arguing with a narcissistic person can be draining and upsetting. That leaves you with less emotional bandwidth to be there for the kids. Kids are acutely aware of their parents’ emotional states. They can sense your distress, so do your best to stay out of the fray. 
   

Legal strategies for responding to narcissistic behaviors in co-parenting  

“When you say your co-parent acts as a narcissist, I know there will be huge power struggles,” says Tarascio. “Your co-parent will use the process, children, money, discovery, and court rules to gain power. And that’s what we have to plan around.” 

• Address your co-parent’s specific behaviors  
  
  Tarascio, like our other experts, recommends against using the label “narcissist” in court. “It's just ineffective,” she says. “It's not going to accomplish anything except for perhaps to diminish your credibility. It's overused. Everyone thinks and/or claims that their ex is a narcissist.” 
  
  Instead, “When we go to court, we have to explain: What do you want the court to do, and why? So the court doesn't have to know that your ex is a narcissist. The court has to know that your ex is blocking your ability to get treatment for your child, and therefore you need sole decision-making or final decision-making, as an example. 
  
  “Or the court needs to know that your ex has not paid, will not pay, and ignores court orders, and therefore we want the security of their retirement account. You have to request something practical that the court can do and explain why they should do it.”
• Document everything 
  
  A common narcissistic tactic is disagreeing with everything you say. So make sure you can back up all your claims by pointing to the record.
• Plan your approach based on your marital problems 
  
  Tarascio explains her approach. “We have to know what the specific problem is. We can't figure out a strategy unless we know exactly what we're solving. And we can't solve narcissism.” 
  
  Instead, “We want to talk a lot on the front end about what type of person this is. What do fights look like? What do disagreements look like? How do they lash out at you? And then we can plan proactively for that.  
  
  “If we know that it's going to be very difficult for your ex to agree to sports or tutoring, then we're going to want to include that in the parenting plan. We’ll ask the judge to include it, or we'll negotiate it in mediation, so that the child can continue whatever sport they're in. We just have to anticipate problems and create orders that allow us to handle them. 
  
  “Every single case needs its own analysis and strategy because we have to tailor what we're doing to the actual problems that we're having. If I can find out how you have solved conflict in your marriage or not solved conflict in your marriage, I can predict how the divorce is going to go.” 

• Create a detailed parenting plan summary 
  
  In the parenting plan, include detailed specifics. Then if your co-parent doesn’t follow the parenting plan, document it and bring the issue to your lawyer.
• Make everything legal  
  
  Communicate only on a co-parenting app. This will significantly increase the likelihood that all your communications will be easily admissible in court.  
  
  With your lawyer’s help, get your custody arrangements and your parenting plan on the record.  
• Request a custody evaluation 
  
  Concerned about your kids when they’re with your co-parent? Ask for a custody evaluation. A qualified professional will learn about your child, you, and your co-parent. Next, they’ll recommend a specific custody arrangement to the court. The court usually listens to the custody evaluator.  
  
  “This is a great strategy,” says Dr. Profito. “A neutral, third-party appointed by the court and agreed upon by the parties would be the best source of unbiased information.  A social investigator (as it’s called in Florida) would be able to evaluate how much is related to divorce stress (state) and personality disorders (trait).” 
  
  “Sometimes evaluations serve as a road map to successful co-parenting,” says Dr. Bailey. “Be aware that not all custody evaluators are the same. Be sure the evaluator is up to date in extended ed classes and attends trainings regularly. Armchair diagnosing is dangerous and inappropriate.”
• Don’t expect the court to punish your co-parent 
  
  “I just try to be as practical as possible,” says Tarascio, “because what most people do is they look to the court for vindication, or to punish the other parent. They are not going to punish your co-parent into being someone that they're not. They're not going to change your co-parent. So we have to think practically and creatively about how to work around it. 
  
  “The court can’t punish the narcissism out of them. It's not going to happen. These people don't act in their own best interest. They won't even accept deals that are good for them, just to spite their co-parent. 
  
  “And as lawyers, we're in the same position that the court is: We cannot change your co-parent. All we can do is use our legal strategies and practical strategies and experience to help you navigate a minefield.” 

• Ask the judge for sole or final decision-making 
  
  “Write your restrictions very narrowly,” suggests Tarascio, “because judges don't want to take away rights from anybody. At least in Arizona, they want to order joint legal decision-making. It's very, very hard for somebody to get sole or even final decision-making. And when you ask for it, give examples: ‘Mom is refusing to let our child attend therapy.’ Judges are more likely to carve out an exception to allow therapy decisions than to allow broader decisions.” 
  
  With final decision-making powers, you must discuss the topic with your co-parent, but if you disagree, you can make the ultimate call. With sole decision-making, “You don't need permission. You don't need to give notice. You don't need to discuss it. You just make the decision.”
• Ask the judge for the right of first refusal 
  
  “If your co-parent leaves your children with their mom or girlfriend for weeks at a time, we’ll ask for a right of first refusal,” says Tarascio. (With the right of first refusal, if your co-parent is spending a specified amount of time away from the children on their parenting time, they have to give you the option to take over that time before seeking alternative care for the children.)  
  
  “Now, judges generally hate rights of first refusal, so you have to be able to say, ‘Mom has a history of leaving the children with her sister during 80% of her parenting time.’ If Mom can't take care of the kids for more than one or two days, then it's not a sleepover. We need the right of first refusal.”
• Minimize communication 
  
  Anything you say could be used against you. Beyond the essentials, less communication is better.
• Write short, matter-of-fact responses to long emails 
  
  It’s common to receive long, angry, accusatory emails. Sometimes in response to simple questions or statements. Tarascio gives an example: “Say you know your kid is acting out, and you think they might do well with play therapy. So you say, ‘Hey, our child seems to be struggling with behavior in school. They're struggling with behavior at home. I think play therapy would be really useful.’  
  
  “The other side responds, ‘You did this. You tore apart our family, you’re an awful mother,’ etc. etc. But if they are not opposed—if they haven't said, ‘I oppose play therapy’—then the next thing I might respond with is: ‘It sounds like you're not opposed. Here are some play therapists. I've scheduled an intake for this time. Will that work for you?’ 
  
  Sending short replies that ignore all the messy anger works in the long term as well as the short term. “The oxygen has to be snuffed out of these incessant calls, incessant texts, these ridiculous emails,” says Tarascio. “You have to learn—and co-parenting coaches can help you with this, or lawyers who specialize in narcissism—your response to this might be simply, ‘Tell me what happened with Susie.’ Period. You don't address anything else. They will stop if you take out all the oxygen.”  
  
  Your lawyer is likely dealing with the same problem. “If they’re emailing us excessively,” says Tarascio, “we're not required to look at it immediately. So maybe the decision that the lawyer makes is, ‘I'm going to read this person's emails once a week.’ Do you know how much money lawyers can save their clients by doing that? A lot!” 

• Look for a lawyer who specializes in narcissism 
  
  Cases involving narcissistic behaviors are extra complex. You need an attorney who specializes in complex cases—ideally, narcissistic cases. Tarascio explains, “If you get a lawyer who has been doing this a long time, who really gets the dynamic, who helps people practically navigate this, then they're going to be able to guide you better than a new lawyer. You want a specialist.” 
  
  To choose an attorney, “I recommend talking to an actual family law mediator or evaluator and asking who they recommend,” says Van Dine. “That way, you're not just looking up a lawyer and not knowing anything about them, and having no idea how effective they would be for your particular case.”
• Avoid conflict and negativity  
  
  When you actively join the conflict, the judge will see you as part of the problem. So avoid negativity and just stay focused on the kids.
• Stay focused on your child’s best interest 
  
  Minimizing conflict—or at least keeping it away from the kids—is one of the best things you can do for your kids.
• Stay calm and detached, and avoid emotional arguments 
  
  Don’t argue in front of the kids. That causes incredible turmoil and gives kids lasting anxiety. 
  
  Arguments likely cause you turmoil, as well, and might distract you from your strategic co-parenting choices. They also make it harder to protect your mental health. Your kid needs one parent who is healthy and stable. Avoiding these emotional arguments, by staying calm, can help you feel detached from the conflict. Then you can make better decisions.
• Keep your boundaries strong 
  
  Whatever boundaries you set, stick to them 100% of the time. This can be difficult to do, since one narcissistic trait is making people feel bad for having boundaries. But that’s exactly why it’s important to stay strong—eventually, your co-parent will adjust.  
  
  For example, don’t discuss anything other than the children. If your co-parent starts talking about your marriage or any complaints not related to the kids, ignore it. Keep that boundary strong.
• Prepare for the worst 
  
  If you prepare for the worst, “be careful not to catastrophize and create self-fulfilling prophecies,” warns Dr. Profito. “Preparing for negative outcomes is most effective from a mental health approach if one is able to remain open to new information and adjust opinions based on incoming data.   
  
  “Basically, you can brace for negative responses, but don’t pre-judge.  A good clue someone is pre-judging is when they use language like ‘I know they’re going to….’  An appropriate reframing would be ‘I hope they don’t….’ or ‘I fear they will…’”
• Go to therapy 
  
  Going to therapy has at least two potential benefits. One, it can help you to process your emotions and learn to calm them when you’re in court. Two, it will generally look good in court if you are actively working on your mental health and parenting skills.
• Consider parallel parenting 
  
  In parallel parenting, the co-parents barely communicate. They don’t try to coordinate. They simply each parent in their own way, without discussing it, unless there’s an emergency. Ask your lawyer if this might be right for your situation.  
   

• Request a guardian ad litem (GAL) 
  
  Ask the judge to appoint a guardian ad litem (GAL) to your case. “A GAL is essential when one parent is a narcissist,” says Elle Barr, family law attorney and GAL. Their role is to represent the child’s best interests, making sure they are protected and prioritized.  
  
  “A GAL gets involved in high-conflict divorce cases where the parents disagree significantly about what is best for the children. When the court appoints a GAL, it’s because they want a trusted outside opinion. An unbiased perspective that can cut through the turmoil and focus on the child’s educational, emotional, mental, and physical needs.” 
  
  Barr adds, “Children who have a narcissistic parent experience constant activation of their stress response. Their bodies and brains start to change. From the ACEs study, we know that this stress impacts the child’s learning, social skills, ability to regulate their emotions, leading to lifelong physical and psychological effects.”
• Work with a child or teen therapist 
  
  “In these kinds of cases,” says Van Dine, “you want the professionals involved, so that if you file a motion in court, and you need the voices of the children heard, then you’ll have these professionals speaking up for the child.” 
  
  Van Dine shares an example from her practice: “I'm an individual therapist to a teenager whose mom has narcissistic traits, and she had completely brainwashed the child into believing all kinds of very strange things. This child and her disabled brother were being verbally abused by the mom's boyfriend.  
  
  “Right before each session with the daughter, the mom would send me these very long, monologue-type emails about what a terrible person the daughter is. (This is very common with narcissists—long messages about how delusional you are, how out of touch with reality you are.) She's very intelligent—most narcissists are—and she tried to manipulate me into believing her, and not the daughter. 
  
  “But the daughter had been reporting to me all this abuse—and she was recording it. We ended up getting the authorities involved, and her biological father. The mother had been able to get all of his custody rights taken away years ago, and she taught her daughter that he was a terrible person. So with a very concerted effort between myself, his attorney, law enforcement, CPS, and the courts, we were able to get the kids away from her. 
  
  “Don't you dare do it alone, is probably the takeaway. You need that professional support. It truly is a form of psychological warfare.” 

• Be the safe parent 
  
  If just one parent is stable and loving, that makes a huge difference. Your child’s mental health is protected and strengthened by having a parent who provides a safe space. Even if their relationship with their other parent is messy or even dangerous. Your love is a powerful protective factor. 
  
  Respond calmly and neutrally when your child complains about their other parent. They need a safe place to vent, without feeling like they made the situation worse by riling you up.
• Show empathy and validate your child’s feelings—without intensifying those feelings 
  
  If your children have difficult relationships with their other parent, or if that parent’s behavior hurts them, that puts you in a difficult spot. How can you support their feelings without making those emotions stronger?  
  
  Empathy can sound like this: “That sounds really hard.” “Wow, that must have hurt.” “This is a really tough situation for you, you’re right.”  
  
  What we don’t want is taking your child’s side or intensifying their emotions. Avoid statements like these: “Yeah, your Dad is the worst.” “Your Mom always treated me like that, too.” “You shouldn’t have to live in that household.” These comments don’t make your kids feel better—they just make them feel trapped. 
  
  If you deeply feel you need to acknowledge how bad your co-parent is, first consider whether it will help or hurt your child. Then ask yourself whether you’re saying it for your sake or theirs.
• Teach your child healthy coping skills  
  
  When your parent shows narcissistic behaviors, it's a stressful, confusing, and painful experience. These kids need to learn specific coping skills. Coping skills help them see clearly, create boundaries, and stick to them. They also limit the negative effects on their mental health. 
  
  A study in the Brain Informatics scientific journal addressed this topic. It found that “children of narcissistic parents often suffer from life-lasting behavioral issues.” That's because parental narcissism can “cause trauma and poor mental health.” The study suggests these ways to help the child cope with parental narcissism:
  • Get your child into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
  • Encourage your child to journal
  • Teach your child problem-solving techniques
  • Oversee your child’s social media use (so they don’t mimic narcissism)
• Teach your child healthy relationship skills and communication strategies 
  
  In these situations, says Dr. Profito, “Parenting a child is all about encouraging and teaching good communication styles. That will equip your child to say, ‘This is how I feel. This is what I'm thinking.’ That’s helpful in any relationship.  
  
  “As a child, you know your narcissistic parent will likely overreact sometimes: ‘How dare you? You know I worked so hard to get you into that lesson, or that class, or that school. I have this vision for you.’ That type of thing. That may be where you start to see, ‘I think my parent is overreacting. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me.’  
  
  “If you thought about it first, and you said something that was appropriate and respectful, checking all the boxes, but your parent is not responding in an equally positive and communicative way, then maybe you disengage from that conversation for a minute and reassess. That’s why it’s so important to learn those communication strategies.” 

• Minimize interactions at transitions 
  
  One crucial moment to stay calm is when you drop the kids off or pick them up. It’s so easy to get sucked up into conflict, but it’s literally right in front of the kids. Use all of your techniques and tools to stay calm. Don’t give in. Take the high road, which is often the silent road. Say “hi” and “have a good day,” and not much more than that.
• Limit contact and communication in general 
  
  Any contact is an opportunity to spark an argument or make you feel badly, so it helps to minimize those opportunities. Message infrequently—only when you need to communicate something crucial about the kids.  
  
  If you can, arrange drop-offs and pick-ups that don’t involve any contact. Maybe you drop the kids off at school in the morning, and your co-parent picks them up in the afternoon. Maybe they spend an hour at Grandma’s before they get picked up.
• Focus conversations on the kids 
  
  You might find that your conversation drifts into a rabbit trail. That’s not helpful for the kids, because it’s not helpful for you. It can lead to stronger emotions and more frustration—and kids pick up on that. 
  
  Instead, just talk about the kids—and nothing else. That keeps the children’s best interest top of mind for both of you.
• Stay calm 
  
  When you only talk about the kids, it’s easier to stay calm. It also helps to use your best calming techniques before, during, and after seeing or communicating with your co-parent. Staying calm sets a good example for the kids and protects them from conflict.
• Make a communication plan 
  
  We’ll say it again: Restrict your co-parenting communication to one topic. The kids. That’s a crucial step in making sure the kids stay front and center. 
  
  Easier said than done, right? Here’s another concrete way to avoid blowing up the conversation with other topics: the JADE method, created by Al Anon. 
  
  In the JADE method, you don’t:
  • Justify
  • Argue
  • Defend
  • Explain 

Instead, you just state the facts—the decision, situation, action, or problem—and that’s it. Just a bare-bones message that doesn’t justify your decision, argue about the situation, defend your actions, or explain the problem. Just clear, brief facts and that’s all.  

This way, there’s nothing to distract from the communication about the kids. 

• Make everything legal 
  
  Don’t rely on an unofficial parenting plan, even if you both agree on it. Make it official by getting it stamped by the judge. Anything less is fair game for disputes. To make sure your children can expect consistency, get a parenting plan that’s legally formalized and enforceable, so it’s more likely both parents will follow it.
• Establish boundaries 
  
  To set boundaries around your kids, focus on the things that make the biggest impact. Not tolerating any child abuse is a good start. If your co-parent breaks that boundary, you’ll report it right away. Another good boundary is that neither of you can deviate from the parenting plan.  
  
  Another boundary could state that your co-parent can’t take the kids out of school without a good reason. Or that your co-parent must take them to the doctor, urgent care, or hospital as needed.
• Follow the parenting plan 
  
  Even when you suspect or know your children aren’t treated as well as you would like at your co-parent’s house, you still need to drop them off when it’s your co-parent’s time. Never withhold your children unless you have strong, documented reason to suspect serious abuse—strong enough to ask for an emergency order of protection or modification of custody. 
  
  There’s an important reason for this. The judge will look harshly on you for not following the parenting plan. It won’t necessarily point to your co-parent’s bad behavior. Instead, it will likely distract from it and put the spotlight on you.
• Accept your child’s situation 
  
  Even if you want to protect your child from their other parent, it’s unlikely to happen. Very few judges will grant you sole custody based on the accusation that your co-parent is a narcissist.  
  
  If it’s any comfort, it’s generally best for children to spend time with both parents. Even if one parent is problematic. (This doesn’t apply in cases of abuse.) 

• Consider parallel parenting 
  
  This doesn’t directly protect your children because they still have to spend time with their other parent. However, it can preserve peace in your house. A peaceful house provides a safe refuge for your children when they’re with you. 
  
  In parallel parenting, each parent parents their own way, instead of working together towards the same goals. It’s like a wall is built between the two parents.
• Don’t fall for excuses 
  
  If one of your boundaries is that the parenting plan has to be followed, then don’t accept any excuses for not following it. If your co-parent is abusing the children, don’t accept excuses; report it. Narcissistic people can be very charming and persuasive, and their specialty is making you feel guilty about their actions. Don’t fall for it—it will only lead to worse conditions for the kids. 
   

• Protect your own mental health through self-care and therapy 
  
  This isn’t just about the kids. You deserve to feel ok, too. Co-parenting with a narcissistic person can be tremendously draining, disorienting, and painful. So take good care of yourself. 
  
  Eating well, getting good sleep, and exercising regularly are three ways to take care of yourself. They really do contribute to your mental health. But don’t ignore the direct route, either: Most parents in your situation could benefit from therapy. Your therapist can help you separate the gaslighting from the truth. They can help you develop tools to handle the situation, and help you feel more stable and balanced.
• Learn to recognize gaslighting and trust yourself 
  
  “Everybody's familiar with the term gaslighting,” says Dr. Bailey. “Gaslighting makes you question your own self. The more you're clear on compassion and curiosity, and keeping the children’s best interests in the center, the harder it is for someone to gaslight you. 
  
  “When you feel like someone is gaslighting you, the challenge is to not think about what they're doing. Instead, think about the core of why you're doing what you're doing to understand yourself.”  
  
  “Self-doubt and cognitive dissonance are common,” says Van Dine. “The way to get out of that is by grounding yourself, and the best way to do it is by writing down what is true. Write affirmations that you can look back at. ‘This is what is real life. This is what I know to be true.’  
  
  It helps to detach your emotions from your co-parent’s view of you. “A person's perception is their truth, and when you're dealing with somebody who is high conflict, their perceptions are all over the place, so you can't really buy into what they say. You're just kind of checked out while they're playing their game and spinning their wheels. And then you just check in when it's time to make a decision.”
• Set boundaries for yourself (not just your kids) 
  
  If your co-parent treats you poorly, you can try setting a boundary. A real boundary means that if someone does something to you, you will react in a certain way, or not react at all. (Your reaction has to be something within your power.) 
  
  If your co-parent sends you a message that contains nothing but accusations and swear words (no practical information or questions about the kids), then you can set a boundary there. Tell your co-parent you won’t respond to that kind of message. Then, when future messages like that come in, don’t respond. Or you can set a time boundary. If your co-parent is late to a pick-up, you’ll leave after waiting 10 minutes.  

• Document everything and get everything in writing 
  
  If your co-parent makes an illegal threat, for example, document it. Screenshot it, forward it, or send your attorney a PDF (if you use a co-parenting app). If something happens in the real world, not digitally, write down a detailed description immediately afterwards, along with the time and date. 
  
  If your co-parent makes an agreement, get it in writing. Verbal agreements are not worth much in these situations. Ideally, get it approved by a judge, but if you choose not to go to court or you’re not there yet, at least ask your co-parent to write it down.
• Seek support from friends and family 
  
  You need a support system of family and friends. This is too much to go through alone. You might have stayed quiet out of shame or confusion. But it might be time to share what’s going on in your marriage or divorce.  
  
  “Watch your tendency to look for validation of your experience,” cautions Dr. Bailey. “You know when you have a difficult, challenging partner, and the more you ask friends and family and everybody else to validate that, the more you're going to keep yourself in an activated state and out of your ability to step back.’” 
  
  “If your family doesn’t support you, then you need to build your own family of support,” says Van Dine. “Sometimes family members can be very well intentioned, but they can also talk you out of making healthy choices—by saying things like, ‘You know he's not that bad. He's a good dad, and you're just being ultra-sensitive’—almost gaslighting you into thinking that you're the problem. Lean on the people who believe you.”
• Minimize communication 
  
  If you talk to your co-parent infrequently, they have fewer opportunities to treat you poorly or upset you. Protect yourself from all unnecessary communication. Respond only to concrete information about the kids and keep your response short. Ask only essential questions about the kids, and keep your questions clear, specific, and short. Ignore anything else.
• Use the gray rock method (make yourself as boring as a rock) 
  
  Here’s one way to minimize communication. With the grey rock method, you make yourself as boring as a rock. Then your co-parent doesn’t want to engage anymore, because it’s so boring. It’s the opposite of escalating the situation—instead, you take the emotion out of it.  
  
  PsychCentral writes, “Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and don’t show your emotions, they may lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as ‘grey rocking.’ 
  
  “Using the grey rock method might look like avoiding eye contact, giving short answers, and focusing on other things when talking with someone who’s using abuse tactics.” 
  
  “In general, you can think of gray rocking as a form of emotional disengagement,” Dr. Ramani Durvasula told the New York Times. “Antagonistic people are usually looking for a fight, she added, and gray rocking can be one way to keep the peace and avoid ‘getting into the mud with them.’ 
  
  “It is especially effective in written communication, like texting, as a way of avoiding long, meandering messages.” 

• Try radical acceptance (accept the situation) 
  
  You can’t change your narcissistic co-parent. And accepting the situation for what it is might not reduce the pain it causes. But it could reduce your suffering caused by that pain. 
  
  “When dealing with any person with a high conflict personality type,” says Van Dine, “whether it's NPD, BPD, or Histrionic, it is important to practice radical acceptance that they are disordered thinkers and that there is nothing you can do differently to change their behavior towards you.  
  
  “Do not take their actions personally. Instead, practice radical acceptance of letting them behave in their arrested developmental ways. Do not give them any of your time and energy when they do. Do not try to reason with them, explain, or convince. Just protect your wellbeing and let them be.”
• Plan pick-ups and drop-offs in safe, public locations 
  
  If you’re worried about any physical abuse, make exchanges in public. If you’re concerned about your co-parent being nosy, don’t give them an excuse to come to your house. Try a busy playground parking lot, a fast-food restaurant, a library, or a community center. If things are really ugly, make exchanges in front of a police station.
• Consider parallel parenting 
  
  In parallel parenting, you and your co-parent don’t interact much. You just parent your own way on your own time, and you don’t discuss it. You only communicate about big-picture decisions (like academics or health issues) or emergencies. 
  
  This arrangement can provide a wonderful breath of fresh air, reducing the chaos of trying to coordinate with your co-parent.
• Don’t prepare for the worst 
  
  “Preparing for the worst is a terrible idea,” says Dr. Bailey. It only puts you in a dark mental state. Instead, “Be conscious that things can get better. Take steps to ease the stress on your children in any way possible.” 
  
  It might not seem like a narcissistic person can change, but they can develop new patterns. For example, if you minimize communication and act like a gray rock, your co-parent might eventually get bored of you. If they can’t get a rise out of you, then communicating isn’t fun for them anymore.  

• Warn your new partner and help them understand the narcissistic mind 
  
  Your co-parent might get upset when you get a new partner. They might think it's personally offensive and foolish to choose someone else. It blocks their assumption that they’re entitled to your attention. 
  
  They might say negative things about you, either on social media, through the grapevine, or directly to your new partner. It's easier for your partner to ignore if they expect it. It's a lot harder if they feel blindsided. To prevent added drama, give your new partner a heads up before you get too far into your new relationship.
• Advise your new partner not to communicate or engage with your co-parent 
  
  “The most important thing is—and this is so hard for new partners—they have to stay out of it,” says Van Dine. “If they're just jumping in and trying to fight these battles, that's going to make everything worse.” 
  
  “It’s very difficult because the new partner obviously loves their partner, and they might love the children, too. A new partner's job is to be emotionally supportive to the parent who’s going through this, to be that safety at home, to make some good meals and make the home comfy, to give hugs, and to be that person who provides a sense of normalcy, to help with the nervous system regulation.” 
  
  “They might not have direct, one-on-one interactions with your ex-partner,” says Dr. Profito. “Because the parenting really is going to come from the two parents. 
  
  “I don't know that you can protect them, per se,” Dr. Profito ponders. “But you can help and guide them: ‘If Xyz happens, just remain calm. Don't antagonize them. Keep your comments to yourself. Say as little as possible.’ That type of warning, so that it doesn't catch them unaware, and they're not unintentionally creating a bigger situation than it needs to be. ‘Trust that I will handle it. This is why we're not married anymore.’”
• Don’t overload your partner—build a community of support
  
  “Build up your community!” says Van Dine. “Find a therapist you can talk to very honestly and openly. Join a support group. Get a good attorney. Assemble your team so that you're not bringing all of that raw emotion to your partner.  
  
  “And make sure that you're not using your partner as your therapist,” warns Van Dine. “If you do, they're instinctually going to want to protect you. But if you come to them with a more balanced view of what's happening, then they can help you find solutions. You have to make sure that you're as healthy as you can be when you tell your partner what's going on. 
  
  “Be honest about how you're feeling, of course! But don't come home every day and fall apart. Instead, come to your new partner and say, ‘You know, I've been having a really rough time, but this is what I talked to my therapist about,’ or, ‘This is what I talked to my attorney about, and they gave me some really good advice. And this is what we're going to do.’ That way, your partner doesn't feel that urge to jump in and save you.” 

• Fully detach from the narcissistic person 
  
  A relationship with a narcissistic person can be deeply emotional, and you might find it hard to move on. That emotional connection can be tough to sever, even if it’s unhealthy and painful. 
  
  But that’s not fair to your new partner. If they feel like they’re competing for your attention, they might feel unwelcome or unloved. For your sake and theirs, work on detaching from your previous partner.  
  
  This can involve therapy, self-care, and severely limiting communications. It’s really easy to get caught up in an argument, but it’s a lot less painful to write quick, plain facts. That can help you detach emotionally.
• Limit contact 
  
  Every point of contact is an opportunity to experience conflict. The fewer opportunities, the better. This applies to you and your co-parent, because any stress you experience can also affect your partner. But it also applies to your new partner and your co-parent. Limit contact there, too.
• Set boundaries 
  
  Setting boundaries is a repeating theme in this article. Co-parenting with any difficult person is all about setting boundaries. In this context, you could set a boundary that your co-parent can’t talk to your new partner. Or they can’t talk about your new partner. If they do, you’ll both just ignore them.
• Communicate in writing and document problems 
  
  If your co-parent threatens, harasses, or harms your partner, document it carefully, then bring it to your attorney. These behaviors are illegal, and if you can get a judge to listen, you might see a restraining order or other consequence. 
  
  It’s easiest to document problems if they’re in writing. Insist on only communicating through a co-parenting app (ignore communications outside the app). Anything said within the co-parenting app is automatically a form of documentation.
• Stay calm and consistent 
  
  It’s unfair to expect your new partner to guess how you’ll behave or respond or when you’ll get upset. Staying calm is ideal, but it can be extremely difficult. You can still counterbalance that by staying consistent.  
  
  Keep co-parenting interactions minimal. Consider viewing co-parenting messages once a day, like at 5 p.m., so your partner knows when you might need extra support. When you have to see your co-parent in person, or go to court, give your new partner a heads up beforehand.
• Involve a neutral third party 
  
  Going to court isn’t your only option. Mediation and family therapy are options as well.