Getting Separated Parents Talking

As separated parents, talking to each other might not be your strong suit. For some, poor communication may have even been a big part of what lead to the separation. Even if you're unsure that you'll be getting back together, you and your co-parent will maintain the joint responsibility of parenting your children whether you're together or apart. For that reason, getting separated parents talking is important in order to help make parenting together easier to manage. While it might not be easy to know where to begin in building lines of communication with your co-parent after separation, there are some strategies you can enlist in order to get the ball rolling. Some of these strategies will include determining some ground rules, being committed to listening, and keeping communication consistent. 

Deciding on your ground rules

Separated parents may not have a great number of things that they need to be talking about, but those things that do require their attention are some of the most important between them. Topics concerning the kids are what separated parents should be talking about, but many times other matters flood into the conversation, making it harder to stay focused on the original issue. Instead of continuing to get into these conversations that often lead nowhere, setting some ground rules on how and what you will be talking about can help. Decide on a method of conversation that suits your current relationship. For instance, if you and your co-parent don't find that you have much trouble talking to each other, you might be comfortable talking regularly face-to-face or by phone. However, if you find it more difficult to have a focused conversation when speaking directly, consider writing to each other. While your average email service allows you to do this, using a tool that is designed to document and facilitate co-parent communication may be an even better option. One such tool, the OurFamilyWizard website, will not only tell you when your messages were first viewed by your co-parent, but it also allows for professionals such as your attorney, mediator or therapist to monitor parents talking through all of the different sections of the website. It works to simplify co-parent communication by breaking down different areas of conversation into four main features: a calendar for parents to use when talking about the family schedule; an information bank to document all important details like insurance information, medical details, and even the kids' homework; an expense log to record all shared parenting costs and payments; and a message board which in many cases is used sparingly because the other features already offer organized spaces for parents to be talking about the most important issues. 

Once you have settled on a method of communication, agree to have focused conversations. Unfocused conversations can quickly spiral into something so unrelated or emotional that it becomes difficult for any decisions to be made. Commit to keeping the focus of your conversation contained to matters regarding your kids. If there is something else that you wish to talk about with your co-parent, have it aside from any other discussions you have going on. When you do decide to start talking about something other than your kids, keep your conversations cordial. Limit yourself from asking questions to your co-parent that are overly intrusive or are just simply not your business now, as you might end up getting answers you didn't really want to hear. Having this focus on what you talk about and how will help you to not only make decisions concerning your kids faster, but it will also help you to build a working relationship as partners in parenting with a common goal of raising great kids together. 

Commit yourself to listening

For separated parents, listening to each other can be just as hard as talking. Sometimes, emotions get in the way of letting information in and cloud perceptions with preconceived ideas about the person doing the talking. As separated parents, it's hard not to carry these feelings with you when you're talking to each other. Part of having a productive conversation means really listening to what the other speaker has to say without letting your preconceived notions get in the way. Pay attention to what the other person is saying, and actively participate in conversations. If you are speaking face-to-face, keep good eye contact with your co-parent. If you are writing to each other, take time to thoroughly read messages and understand what the other person is saying. Before you respond, think about what exactly your co-parent was saying and how best to respond. Letting your impulses get the best of you in this moment could potentially derail a conversation off to other topics or even create an argument. When you do respond, stick to the point and get the facts across. If you are talking about something you have an opinion on, share it mindfully. Your opinion is just that: an opinion. This doesn't necessarily constitute it as a fact or as something that your co-parent also believes. Try to start by saying, "I feel..." or, "In my opinion..." as to bring up your point while being mindful of your co-parent's feelings. 

Listening is an important part of getting separated parents talking, but sometimes it may feel like only one person is doing all the listening and the other all the talking. If you and your co-parent are having a difficult time being able to equally talk and to listen to each other, seek help from a professional. They can show you some tricks and teach you skills that you can both use in order to have more constructive conversations. 

Keep communication consistent

When talking, separated parents may try to get as much information into one conversation as possible in order to reduce the risk of having to speak again soon. This is both unhealthy and unproductive. A lot can happen with kids in a matter of weeks, days, or even just hours. As separated parents, you both should be kept in the loop about what is taking place in your children's lives. Make a commitment to keep lines of communication open and to be talking consistently. This could mean a daily check-in from the parent who has the kids on a particular day. Try and be talking at a scheduled time each day so that you can commit yourself to it. If you correspond in writing, send your message around the same time each day so that the recipient can expect to receive and check it. 

Along with consistent check-ins with your co-parent, schedule time to talk with your kids when you can't physically be with them. This might be a phone call after school or before bedtime, or a message online or in a text. Just as with your co-parent, keep your talks with your kids happening at a set time each day. Your kids will count on talking to you on this schedule, and you won't want to let them down. They want to share things about their day with you, and just hearing your voice and that you love them will make them feel good.

Getting separated parents talking may be a bit of a task, but it is important for the sake of the kids. As a separated parent, talk with your co-parent about what ground rules you both agree to set in your conversations. Commit yourself to being a good listener, and if this becomes difficult for either of you, seek help from a professional. Finally, dedicate yourselves to talking on a consistent schedule. Even if it takes a little time to get used to, putting these strategies into practice will help make taking as separated parents easier which will also make the act of parenting together more manageable in the long term.