What to Do When You’re Concerned About Your Co-Parent’s Partner

When you’re concerned about your co-parent’s partner, it can be tricky to navigate the situation. You can’t control who your co-parent dates or marries, but it still feels like your responsibility to make sure your kids are in a safe, healthy environment. 

“This is something that comes up a lot like when we're talking to parents,” says Jonathan Friday, family law attorney and partner at Friday Milner Lambert Turner, PLLC . “A new romantic interest does tend to be one of the biggest causes of stress or turmoil in the co-parenting relationship.” 

Inside this article: 

What if your co-parent won’t listen or cooperate? 

“Maybe you don't have the kind of relationship where you can talk,” says Dr. Tara Egan, a family therapist with a doctorate in education. “Or maybe you talk to them and they shoot you down, or they disparage you, or they dismiss you, or they promise they're not going to have their new partner do this or that and then they do it anyway.” 

“Going to court is a last resort,” says Natalie Baird-King, a family law attorney and mediator. “I always encourage parents, ‘If you've got issues that you're concerned about, sometimes getting a parent coordinator or a family therapist to be a mediator in that scene can provide a lot of gainful information. 

“Because it's cheaper if you can get on the same page. And then, you just co-parented! Versus if you go on to court, there's no co-parenting that happens; it's war. And you're going to spend a lot of money.” 

Why starting with a conversation looks better if you do end up in court 

Trying alternative remedies “also makes it a little easier when you do have to go to the courthouse. The judge is going to look favorably on that,” explains Friday. “Did you reach out to the other parent? Did you talk about your concerns? Did you talk about voluntarily making some changes, or putting in place some reasonable rules that might make everything better?  

“If you come across as the reasonable one who tried to do this the right way, that's going to go a long way at the courthouse. If you just fire off a lawsuit without really ever having tried to resolve the issue, that's not necessarily going to look good.”  

When should you escalate and go to court? 

The general rule of thumb is that you may want to escalate if the situation is having a “detriment” to your child (harm or negative impact). “If it's having a negative impact on the kids, the court will intervene,” says Baird-King. “But it has to be a very high-level detriment. Just because a kid doesn't like Dad's new girlfriend, that doesn't mean there's detriment.” 
 

Neutral flags: When to let it go  

“I understand that this can be emotional,” says Friday. “This is now a new adult in your kids’ lives, whether it's an actual stepparent or acting in that role. But as long as they’re not doing harm to the child, there's not a whole lot that you can do.” 

Let it go: Infidelity  

“Sometimes there's bad blood,” Says Baird-King, “usually stemming from adultery or lack of trust, or from some type of jealousy.” 

Even in cases of infidelity, “Sometimes the parent who was influenced or impacted by the infidelity can kind of regroup. Sometimes that can happen when they recognize, ‘Oh, this marriage wasn't that great, and I feel better alone.’ Or maybe they start to develop their own romantic life.” 

Let it go: Healthy involvement in your child’s life 

“If you feel like this is a safe adult,” suggests Dr. Egan, “try to have some grace and give them the benefit of the doubt, versus assuming the absolute worst.” 

“One of the biggest problems is when this person actually provides care for the child,” says Baird-King. “In other words, let's say Dad—we’ll call him Jim—gets held up at work, and his girlfriend Emily is available to go pick the child up from school. Well, what would the parent rather have: The child sitting there on a bench for an hour, until Mom can get there? Or for the child to get picked up? That's what's best for the child. 

“Some parents think, ‘I'm the parent who should take them to baseball. Not her!’” says Baird-King. “But that's helping you out. I would look at it from the frame of mind that this person is actually assisting.” 

“Your child is not going to forget who their parent is,” says Dr. Egan. “I promise you that. So don’t act in a way that makes your child feel guilty for liking this person.” 
 

Let it go: Right of first refusal 

“If Dad's at work all day, and the new person works from home, and they're living together, and it's a Saturday—so what?” Baird-King asks. “Some people have the first right of refusal and say, ‘If you're not going to care for your kid for four hours or more, you need to call me.’ I'm not saying that those should be violated, but if this person is not a danger to your child, you can let it go.” 

“Is this now a situation where the other parent should have the right to see their kids?” asks Friday. “Or is this now the new norm in this family unit? Different judges react differently to that. If it's a live-in girlfriend or boyfriend, then most judges wouldn't see that as trumping the first right of refusal. And definitely once they become a spouse, then that is something that wouldn't trigger the right of first refusal, because now that's a family unit.”  

Let it go: Isolated moments of frustration 

“I think things to let go can include isolated moments of frustration,” explains Dr. Egan. “So let's say your child goes on vacation with their parent and that parent's partner. They come home, and they say, ‘She yelled at me the whole time.’  

“You know your kid enough to know there was maybe some pouting. There was maybe some demanding of money being spent, or extra treats. Or you know your kid is not at their best when they're tired or their food is disrupted. Or maybe they hoped to invite a friend, but the parents said ‘no.’ Maybe they were stuck in a hot car with a sibling for an eight-hour road trip. So factor in that you probably would have yelled at your kid on vacation at some point, too.” 

Let it go: Different rules and chores 

Dr. Egan shares about her own co-parenting experience: “My kids would come home, and they would fuss about their stepmom having them do chores. I would ask, ‘Oh, what kind of chores did you have to do?’ And it was all reasonable stuff, clean your room, clean your bathroom, pick up after yourself.  

“I wouldn’t dismiss their feelings, but I also wasn't going to act like they were some sort of victim, because they had to take care of their own things or be helpful with their little sister. I could have. I could have rolled right into that, and had them feel super self-righteous about feeling wronged. But that's not in their best interest.” 

Different families often follow different diets. “Maybe your child comes to you and says, ‘I get fed chicken nuggets every night.’ That’s a common complaint: ‘All they do over there is feed them Chick-Fil-A,” says Baird-King. “So what? The kid is not malnourished. Let it go.” 
 

Orange flags: When to worry, but not panic 

If your co-parent’s partner is trying to influence their parenting, or disrupt or control your own parenting, it’s reasonable to feel concerned.  

Orange flag: Unwelcome advice 

“Let's say the Dad’s new girlfriend shows up at the exchange location and says, ‘You know, you really should bathe your kid more. Your kid comes dirty over our house all the time.’ How do you deal with that?” asks Baird-King. “Because it's not her place to really say that and give you advice as a parent.”   

Maybe your child has baseball practice immediately before the pick-up/drop-off, Baird-King points out—then they’re going to be dirty!  

Baird-King adds, “It is not my daughter’s stepdad’s job to parent her. I don't mind him giving her some life advice, but it is my job to say, ‘You made a C in PE for this grading period.’ It's my responsibility to address it.” 

If your lawyer advises you to escalate to a court case, follow their lead—they’ll take it from here. In court, stay carefully focused on the facts and your child, not your opinions or feelings about your co-parent or their partner. 
 

The biggest red flag abuse (time to escalate the situation): Physical abuse 

“Actual physical abuse is treated a little differently from other concerns,” says Friday. “It is obviously taken very seriously. And if there are physical signs of the abuse, that's a little easier to prove. If there are no physical signs of abuse on the child, but they’re still claiming that somebody hit them or slapped them or kicked them, or did something like that, it's still going to be taken pretty seriously.” 

Having a calm conversation with your co-parent might be the last thing you want to do—instead, you might want to explode or keep your child and yourself as far away from your co-parent and their partner as possible. But it's important that you remain as level-headed as possible so you don't put yourself in a bad position inadvertently.  

“If they’re defensive,” says Baird-King, “or they say it didn't happen, I think you have to go consult an attorney right away, because you could file an emergency motion to have the child removed from the home, and to have time-sharing terminated for that point in time.  

“But the abuse has to be pretty drastic. Then the Child Protection Services or the Department of Children and Family Services might take the child away from the home. 

“In family law, as soon as you make an allegation of abuse, the court’s inclined to intervene on an emergency basis. But I'm going to tell you, out of ten emergency motions that are filed because of abuse, usually only one rises to the level abuse.” 

The criminal side of child abuse 

“If there is evidence of physical abuse, such as bruising or cuts or scrapes, courts take that seriously. Even without physical marks, the child’s report, in and of itself, is typically enough to be able to institute some kind of a case with CPS or even the police,” explains Friday. 

“The fact that there's even a criminal case that gets started—not just a phone call, but if the police have opened up an investigation—that's usually enough to get the family court side to say, ‘Until we figure out more about this, we are going to change up the visitation schedule, and either the children are no longer going to go over to that person's house, or that new partner won't be allowed to be there during any of those periods of possession.’  

A possible exception: Corporal punishment (spanking) 

Corporal punishment, or spanking, is rarely considered child abuse, unless it leaves marks. “We have a right to privacy in parenting,” says Baird-King. “We have the right to use corporal punishment to spank our children, but we do not have the right to abuse our children.” 

However, that authority doesn’t extend beyond the biological parents. “I, as well as the other clinicians at our practice, do not endorse spanking or corporal punishment,” says Dr. Egan. “But it certainly is never appropriate with a stepparent. Stepparents should not have the authority to lay their hands on their stepchild.” 
 

Other red flags (time to escalate the situation) 

Although physical abuse is the most obvious answer, any type of serious neglect, abuse, or endangerment is worth escalating the situation. 

Red flag: Verbal abuse 

Yelling usually doesn’t rise to the level of abuse, even though it can be disturbing. But frequently calling your child terrible names and saying cruel things might. “That's emotionally going to have detriment to the kid, especially if it's constant,” says Baird-King. 

Red flag: Unsafe alcohol and substance use 

“You shouldn't let go of true safety issues,” says Dr. Egan. “Things like substance use, particularly when the kids need to be supervised, or they need to be driven somewhere, and the child is witnessing somebody who's impaired. Or maybe that person leaves some sort of substance out around the kids.” 

Friday adds, “If this new person is drinking and driving with the children, or heavily intoxicated or under the influence of drugs when they're around your children—that's really what it takes to rise to the level of actually being able to do something.” 

Red flag: Unsafe driving 

“Let’s say you run a background check and discover that your co-parent’s partner had a DUI 4 years ago,” says Dr. Egan. “You might say, ‘I'd really like to hold off on having him or her drive the kids for a while, because this is a new person, they've had this issue, and it just feels really uncomfortable for me. I'd like to ask you to respect that for now.’  

“They might get mad, that absolutely can happen. But you can express that concern.” 

Red flag: Habitual absence or neglect 

Baird-King explains, “If the parent is never around—not even there for bedtime, not even there when the child wakes up, not there when the child comes home from school—at this point, there is a shift: Who's now the parent? Because the newcomer is doing all the parental responsibilities.  

“And if it comes to a place where your child's homework is not getting done, or the child is not groomed properly, or is not being fed—the child's being placed in what you would consider a neglectful situation—that’s when you have to have a conversation with the lawyer.” 

“Like physical abuse, neglect has to be substantial, too,” explains Baird-King. “Have they left your kid by themselves over the weekend, and they're eight years old? That's neglect. Did they leave your eight-year-old for 30 minutes while they went to laundromat to put clothes in because their dryer went out? That’s not going to rise neglect unless something happened to the child.” 
 

Should you get to know the new partner? 

“Some parents feel entitled to say, ‘I don't want my kids around this person unless I've met them,’” says Dr. Egan. “The reality is, you have two separate houses. It is a standard matter of course to have new people be introduced to your kids while they're in the other household. 

“Your ex doesn't need your permission to date somebody new. And if they're a parent who has parenting time, then there is an element that implies that they are a trustworthy person to choose a safe adult.” 

Some parents like to meet the new partner over coffee to get to know them, but it’s usually not the best idea. Instead, “A healthy space where parents can meet their ex's new partner is when, say, everybody's going to go to a soccer game. You go and you wave and say ‘Hi! My name's Tara. It's so nice to meet you. You know, the kids said that you have the most adorable dog.’ And then they chat a little bit about the soccer game and admire how cute the kid is. And then they say goodbye. 

“That's the type of friendly, casual conversation to have. Not ‘I'm going to sit with you in Starbucks and question all sorts of things. What’s your job? Who's your family? Do you have kids? Why did you get divorced?’ Nope. That's not appropriate,” Dr. Egan explains. 

“If, over time, you develop a relationship where you talk about something a little bit more intense, that’s fine! If you guys connect, great, but you don’t need to start with a job interview to determine whether or not they get to date your ex or meet your kids.” 
 

How to talk to your kids about your co-parent’s partner 

This can be a confusing issue to navigate. You don’t want to lie to your kids, but you don’t want to put them in a tough place, either. You want to protect them without causing more trouble. How can you do that? 

Almost never say negative things about your co-parent’s partner 

“Number one—this is very important—you should never disparage or say something negative about that person,” says Baird-King. “You have to put your feelings aside. If you really, really care about your kid, and you want what's best for your kid, then you will not say anything negative, not one thing negative about this new person. (Safety concerns are a bit different.) 

“Being positive and encouraging your child to have a relationship with that person—so long as it's safe—is important. It's important to co-parenting, but it's also important so that your kid doesn’t feel as though they are stuck in the middle because Mom doesn't like this person.  

“And kids project. If you don't like that person, that kid’s going to project back to you that they don't like them because the kid wants you to love them. So you have to be very careful not to project your emotion and feelings, or the kid will go one of two different ways: ‘I’m never going to tell Mom about this person ever again,’ or, they’ll lean in: ‘Oh, Mom, you're not going to believe what Emily did.’ And then that's what starts the ball rolling in court.” 

What happens in court if you say negative things 

Baird-King explains, “One of the biggest things that the court looks at is, ‘Are you disparaging the other parent?’ And I think the court looks at, ‘Are you disparaging who they're with?” as well. I don't think that any court's going to find that to be in the best interest of a child.  

“I've seen a lot of litigation over one parent talking ill will about the new spouse or new person and the other parent's life. The court sanctions often take away time-sharing from the parent who complains. That parent often gets ordered to pay the other party's attorney's fees, so the pocketbook takes a hit, too.” 

Instead, stay neutral when you talk about the partner 

You can use this tactic right from the beginning, suggests Dr. Egan. “If the kid says, ‘Oh, I just got off the phone with Dad, and he says that he's going to introduce us to his girlfriend, Emily, at the pool.’ And then you as the parent can say, ‘Oh, well, that's neat. It's always good to meet new people.’  

“You don't have to be saying amazing things about Emily. You don't even know her, but it is nice to meet new people. Ask your child, ‘Are you looking forward to it?’ Or, ‘What are your thoughts about meeting her?’  

“Your child might say, ‘Oh, I think it's fine. I just hope he doesn't kiss her. That'd be so gross.’ 

“And then you might make a joke: ‘Ew, kissing, gross!’ You're conveying your vibe is relaxed. No big deal. You’re happy for Dad that he might have found someone he enjoys. We're not making assumptions that he's marrying her, or anything like that.  

“But they often look to you to ask, ‘Should I be upset about this? Should I be indignant? Am I being disloyal if I'm relaxed and cool about meeting this person?’” 

If abuse is in the picture 

“You want to stay clear, not disparage,” says Baird-King. Tell your child that the behavior is inappropriate, and they didn’t deserve it.” 

Baird-King suggests saying something like, “Honey, I’m going to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure you're safe. It's going to be okay. We're going to get you some help, so that you can deal with this, because I know that me and your dad don't want you to be abused.” 

But focus on the behavior, not the person.  

“It's your job to assure that the child's going to be safe. It is not your job to talk bad about the other parent. I would also stay clear of setting what I consider an overreaching precedent that ‘it's not safe at Dad's house, I knew it wasn't safe at Dad's house,’ those type of comments. Stay clear of that. Your child doesn't need that stress on top of having to worry about their safety and being in survival mode at Dad's house.  

“Get your child in therapy, so that they have a safe place where they can talk to somebody that is qualified to help a child that has endured abuse at a parent's home.” 

If your child doesn’t like the new partner 

If your child doesn’t like your co-parent’s partner, there’s not much you can do (if it falls short of abuse). “They don't get a vote, really, about who their parent dates,” says Dr. Egan. “That's an adult decision.” 

Point out the good or neutral along with the negative  

If your child is upset, Dr. Egan recommends saying, “‘I know this is a change. I'm glad you're just telling me what your thoughts are.’ If they spent the day at an amusement park, it's okay to point out, ‘I'm hearing that you're frustrated because you wanted to go on the scary rides. But Dad's girlfriend said you were staying in the kid area because her son was a little guy, and that feels like you missed out on some fun at Carowinds.  

“‘But on the other hand, I'm hearing that you really enjoyed the water park, and you guys got those hot dogs you like. So I'm hearing that that day was a little bit of a mixed day, where there were some fun things and some things that were kind of boring.’   

“And that's just a fact. I'm just reiterating. I'm not adding my color or interpretation. Some of it is making sure that you're not using a more inflammatory language than necessary, that you can recognize the places that were positive or even neutral.” 

Stay true to your values 

You can even remind your child to stay true to your values, suggests Dr. Egan. “You may not like this person, but I do expect you to show the respect and manners that you've always been taught. I know you don't like your math teacher either, but you don't go in there and talk back to her. Maybe this isn't your favorite person, but you're still going to do the right thing.” 

Get your kid in therapy 

Again, Baird-King adds, get your child in therapy. “It's very important that when a child has a negative impression or negative experience, either with a parent or the person living with the parent or dating the parent, the child needs a safe place to talk about it. You should not be the sounding board for that experience.” 

Let your child vent, but with limits 

“Sometimes kids will just kind of vent, and then they're sort of over it,” says Dr. Egan. “Sometimes, when kids come back to a parent after they've been at the other house, and they are transitioning back, they'll come in and kind of dump all these things. My kids would do that, and I would just create some space for it.  

“But then there'd be closure. If I picked them up after school on a Friday, they could kind of fuss about things, and then once dinner started, we're turning the page on this because we're not going to have our family time be consumed with fussing about that other person.” 

If your child likes the new partner, but you don’t 

“If you don't like them,” says Dr. Egan, “that's a you issue, not a kid issue. If your kid likes this new person, view that as a gift, to have another person in your kid's life who is kind to them and loves them and supports them. It’s a win. 

“If you don’t like them, that's not something you should talk to the kids about,” adds Dr. Egan. “If you have a concern, go to your co-parent, go to a helper, but you don't need to drag the kid into it.”  

Ask your therapist to help your child make a safety plan 

Your child doesn’t have a lot of control over the situation, but that doesn’t mean they’re helpless. “That's where the therapist can give the child some coaching,” says Dr. Egan. “If Mom tells the kid or dad tells the kid, ‘If he or she raises their voice, you should call the police right away!’ That is a tough situation. If we teach our kids to be in this hyper vigilant space, that is really hard on them. 

“But sometimes the therapist can help the kid come up with a plan of how to stay safe. Let's say, for example, stepdad and his son are always shouting, and it gets really scary. For my client, who is maybe eight, we’ll talk about, ‘If your stepdad and your stepbrother start a really big argument, what are you going to do?’ And so we talk about going to your room, shutting the door, turning on some music. Maybe you text mom, ‘Stepdad's yelling. I feel scared.’  

“It really can depend, but having a therapist there to figure out how significant is this, what other adults need to be notified, and what plan needs to be created can be really helpful.” 
 

Encourage the relationship (if it’s safe) 

Dr. Egan says, “It's really important to give your kids an opportunity to have relationships with all sorts of people in their world: a coach, a teacher, their best friends’ parents, other parents when they go camping with other families. And this partner is another person that has the opportunity to be a trusted adult in your kid's life.  

“Hopefully, you can have the ability to let them form a relationship that kind of naturally evolves. It can be a real turning point in co-parenting relationships, and a lot of it depends on how you interpret this event of having a new person in your children’s life.” 

If your co-parent’s partner is very different from you, that can actually be a positive thing in the child’s life, expanding their types of support. “My kid's stepmom is very creative,” says Dr. Egan. “She put together fun birthday parties with these cute decorations and little gift bags. I'm not that mom. I'm not a glitter mom. I'm not going to create crafty little gift bags. So let's enjoy the fact that stepmom can.” 

Finding the balance between safety and support 

If there’s serious danger or abuse in the picture, then you have to protect your child. At any lower level, putting your child’s interests first often means taking a step back, speaking positively or neutrally about your co-parent’s partner, and giving your kids full permission to form that new relationship.  

“The more people who love the kids, the better,” says Friday.