What to Do If Your Child Refuses Visitation or Doesn’t Want to See Their Other Parent

By Danielle Kestnbaum, JD, MSW
 

Sometimes, a child refuses visitation or doesn’t want to go to their other parent’s house. That creates a complicated co-parenting situation. The child’s best interest matters, of course—but their preference isn't the determining factor in establishing a parenting plan.

Your child’s feelings are most often out of your control. And if your child refuses to spend time with the other parent, it will likely impact your whole family.
 

Reasons why a child might refuse visitation or parenting time 

Every situation is different, based on your family dynamics. But here are four of the common reasons children refuse visitation, according to Laurie P. Reed, LCSW.

• Justified rejection: If there’s a history of poor parenting or even abuse of the child, or there has been domestic violence on the part of one parent, a child may reasonably resist spending time with that parent.
• Unjustified rejection: If one parent’s disdain for the other parent has strongly and negatively influenced the child, a previously positive parent-child relationship can be harmed and become estranged. 
• A poor fit: Sometimes the homes, parent personalities and/or parenting styles are very different, and a child may find a much easier “fit” with one parent over the other. 
• The chameleon child: Some children will shrink back from transitions in both directions because they want to make the current parent happy.

It can be trickier than you’d think to tease out which of these scenarios is at play.

Reason #1: Justified rejection

If a parent has been abusive or frightening due to poor anger management skills and/or substance use problems, the child may reasonably want to avoid visitation. Refusing visitation can be considered justified when the problems in this parent’s behavior have been documented and corroborated—there’s a history of unhealthy interactions, not just one parent’s story against another’s. 

In cases of justified rejection, Laurie explains, the child’s complaints tend to be clear and specific. They can state what happened in different upsetting situations, in reasonably concrete and consistent terms, to show why they fear or don’t trust that parent. 

Of course, even when a visitation rejection is seemingly justified, that doesn’t automatically cancel the rejected parent’s visitation or parenting time. You may have to go through an involved process to change the parenting plan or may need to work with your co-parent to put in agreeable safeguards or accommodations. 

However, if you are truly concerned about potential child endangerment, consult your attorney or other legal and mental health professionals right away.

Reason #2: Unjustified rejection

Sometimes, a child will echo one parent’s opinions or feed off their emotions, which are often based on a “bad” history and ongoing conflict between the parents. When the child’s feelings are unduly influenced by a favored parent, this type of alignment can make it very difficult for a child to transition to the rejected parent’s house. 

In this scenario, Laurie explains, the child’s complaints are usually vague. “I’m afraid of my mom because she is so mean.” If you ask for examples of situations in which mom has acted in mean ways, there is often just a repeat of, “She’s just mean. She’s just mean all the time.” The answer is squishy. It’s hard to nail it down. 

Reason #3: A poor fit between parent and child

For example, maybe a child is very introverted and calm and likes to sit quietly and read—but one parent is athletic and enthused about all things outdoors. Neither is “right” or “wrong,” it’s just a bit of a mismatch of interests and personality. If the other parent is similar to the child in interests or personality type, that can create friction with the dissimilar parent, says Laurie.

Sometimes the two homes just run very differently, and if one way feels more comfortable for the child, the stark contrast can very challenging. 

A similar difficult dynamic can occur when a child doesn’t click with the parent’s new partner. Suddenly, what used to be a comfortable home situation now feels unusual and uncomfortable.

Reason #4: The chameleon child

Sometimes, a child will notice that both parents appreciate negative commentary about the other parent. Mom perks up when the child says, “Mom, it’s so boring at Dad’s.” Or Dad is intrigued when the child says, “Dad, Mom is always on the go, and I get so tired with her.” So the child says these things leading up to changeovers in both directions, and they might refuse visitation with either parent.

Whatever the reason for the resistance, if a parent is not genuinely concerned about the child’s fundamental safety, the child should attend visitations, or spend the regular number of days at the co-parent’s house. If you are not sure what constitutes a true safety concern, you should consult your attorney and/or an involved mental health professional. Missing out on parenting time by refusing visitation could put your family in a tough legal position.
 

Refusing visitation or parenting time can cause legal trouble

As a co-parent, you are responsible for making sure your child sees their other parent or switches to their other home according to the parenting agreement in place or the controlling Court Order—even if your child really doesn’t want to.

Family law courts want to see co-parents encouraging their child to spend time with their other parent. If visitation actually doesn't happen, or if the child doesn't follow the parenting time schedule, that reflects on you - even if you tried your best. Courts tend to frown on co-parents if it looks like they're preventing visitation or hindering parenting time. 

If you have a legal order or legally binding parenting agreement, then visitation and parenting time are legal rights. When those rights are blocked, the other parent could file a breach of contract action or an Order to Show Cause. An Order to Show Cause would call for a “show cause hearing.” That means the court will ask the parent who is not complying with the Order to explain (or show the cause of) why they aren't complying with the visitation agreement.

It can be difficult to convince the judge that the child is actively refusing visitation or parenting time. It honestly might be easier to persuade your child to cooperate, so I’ll share some strategies below. 
 

At what age can a child refuse visitation or parenting time?

When a young child refuses visitation, you don’t have many legal options. But when a teenager refuses visitation, courts may pay more attention.

In most states, even teenagers are not allowed to refuse visitation until they turn 18. Teenagers often try to call the shots, and that’s developmentally healthy. But legally speaking, this isn't necessarily one of the shots they get to call.

Still, that’s not the full story. It varies from state to state, but in practice, many judges will consider a teen’s opinion. Or even the opinion of an older child, if they’re articulate and thoughtful. 

Meanwhile, until you get the parenting time agreement or Order changed, your child or teen still has to spend the normal amount of time with their other parent.
 

What to do when your child is refusing to visit the other parent

If your child refuses to spend time with their other parent, it's your responsibility to manage the situation. It's a tough role - you're not causing the problem, but it's still up to you to fix it. You have to convince a stubborn, emotional child to spend time with someone you might strongly dislike. (And that might be understating it.) 

It might be tempting to feel glad or justified. But this situation isn't good for your child. It's stressful, and in rare instances, it actually puts them in danger of spending more time with their other parent. If a judge doesn't see things your way, they might shift custody in the other direction. 

So here are a few tried-and-true ways you can cover yourself legally and encourage your child to see their other parent. 

Get your child into therapy

It’s very important to find a therapist who has experience with high-conflict divorce dynamics, Laurie recommends. (Check their websites, reviews, and bios on professional sites like Psychology Today.) 

The therapist should insist on seeing both parents first, often done in separate parent meetings. If the therapist hears only one parent’s story, they will be biased. 

If at all possible, parents should take turns bringing the child to therapy. With a chameleon child, the therapist can notice and point out, “When your Mom brings you to therapy, I hear a lot of negative things about your Dad. But when your Dad brings you, I hear negative things about your Mom.” The therapist can even observe interactions in the waiting room and get a clearer picture of the parent-child dynamics. 

Notify and involve the other parent

If your child refuses visitation, notify your co-parent as soon as possible. Use a method of communication that can document the incident and can prove when you told your co-parent.

In the OurFamilyWizard app, the Messages feature records timestamps when a message is sent and when it's first seen. Messages are permanent—you can't edit or delete them. 

In the Journal feature, you can create an entry to document any changes to the regular parenting schedule. Explain the incident and describe the change in plans. You can keep the entry private for your own records. Or you can share it with your co-parent, your attorney, or anyone else working with you on OurFamilyWizard.

If at all possible, try to have a real conversation with your co-parent about what’s going on. For example, maybe a teenager doesn’t want to switch houses right now because it’s finals week and they have too much going on. You can try saying, “I know things will get back to normal in the long run, but understanding the stress she’s under right now will go a long way towards her wanting to spend time with you.”

Of course, that’s not always effective. When there’s deep distrust between parents, everything you say may be automatically suspected (“You’re just trying to keep her from me”). But it’s worth a try, and if it’s on the record, the record will show that you tried. 

You can also encourage your co-parent to reach out to your child through phone calls or video calls—it’s a way to connect with your child in a low-stress environment.

Notify your attorney

If your child actually misses a visitation or scheduled parenting time, there could be legal consequences. Ask your attorney how you should handle it - it's different in different states and different situations.

Encourage your child to see their other parent

When your child refuses to visit or stay with their other parent, it puts you in a tough position. How you handle it as a family can speak volumes.

Remember your role as a parent

Keep in mind that you are the one making the decision, not your child. Of course, this is a particularly emotional situation, and feelings of guilt could be influencing your decisions. But that doesn't reduce your responsibility towards your Court Order or parenting agreement.

Thoughtfully consider your child's opinions, but remind your child or teen that both you and your co-parent love them, and it's vital to spend time with each of you.

Check your own behavior and make sure you’re not influencing your child to not want to see their other parent. Badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child or interrogating your child about the visitation once they get home could shape your child's perspective.

Talk to your child about why they don't want to go—and validate their feelings

Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to spend time or stay with your co-parent. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment.

When it's your turn to respond, do so with kindness and understanding. Validate their feelings (without agreeing to do things their way):

“I know the back and forth can get really hard, can’t it?” 

“I know you really wanted to have a play date here tomorrow.” 

“I know you have a ton of homework and not a lot of time for moving houses.”

There’s a natural reluctance to shift where we are, Laurie says. Parents often don’t fully appreciate how hard it is to go back and forth and schlep all your stuff every week or every few days. “I hate the hassle and I just don’t want to go” is a pretty reasonable reaction—but they still have to go.

 Sometimes, in these conversations, new and concerning information comes out. If it does, call your attorney, but it can also help if you loop in your co-parent and address it calmly. “Yikes, this issue has come up, and our kid is really worried about it. Can you do anything to address it, or can we press pause on the parenting time schedule while we talk about it?” 

But if it’s not an issue of extreme distress or danger, the best you can do is listen calmly and respond with empathy.

“I’m sorry that we’ve created this situation where you have two homes. I get it that the burden of going back and forth is on you. At the same time, sweetheart, this is the deal. It’s hard, but your Dad/Mom and I have agreed that we want to share you. It’s a lucky thing that you have two parents who love you!”

If you absolutely can’t move the needle and you have to notify your co-parent that your child isn’t coming, you can say, “Our daughter just needs more time, and trust me, we’ll be working on it.”

Model confidence for your child 

Your child can borrow from your own confidence in their ability to cope, Laurie says. Try responding like this: “I get it, I’m sorry about how things are, AND I know that almost always, once you’ve gotten settled in, you find your groove! Plus, your Mom/Dad said that this week, you’re going to go to the zoo and have a soccer game against the Grizzlies.” Be realistic about your child’s feelings, but also uplift the situation in a matter-of-fact way. “Your ability to cope with challenge is amazing, and I see it growing all the time.”

Make parenting time transitions as smooth as possible

Transitions are tough, but there are practical ways to make it easier. Before your child leaves to visit or stay with your co-parent, make sure they have everything they need packed and ready to go. Especially for young children through the pre-teen years, you can pack for them to minimize their stress, pressure, and effort. 

Keep the conversation positive when you and your child speak about these visits. No matter how negatively you feel about your co-parent, don’t let that seep through. Help your child look forward to their other parent’s parenting time instead of dreading it.

During transition times, stay cool and calm around your co-parent. Let your child know that you will miss them, but you want them to spend this time with their other parent. Keep transitions short, sweet, and reassuring.

What to do if your child refuses visitation with you

Although it may be hard to believe, this situation presents as much of an opportunity as a problem, Laurie says. Maybe your co-parent was the more emotionally connected one because you worked more hours while they took care of things at home—and now it’s your chance to connect with your child on your own.

Whatever your previous situation was, you now have to do 100% of the practical care and emotional nurturing during your parenting time. That gives you a very real opportunity to step up and expand your parenting skill set.

Meanwhile, try not to take it personally. It’s such a complex issue, and it’s not automatically “your fault.” Instead of focusing on blame, focus on solutions.

Try to be a good listener, Laurie recommends. Acknowledge the difficulty of going back and forth and show empathy. Talk with your child to find out if you can make any adjustments to your lifestyle or activities to make spending time with you more comfortable. You might even hold your nose and see if you can learn from your co-parent, who might better understand your child emotionally. 

Last, I strongly recommend getting a child therapist involved. It’s not about establishing good parent v. bad parent; it’s about connecting or re-connecting with your child. A good therapist can help you get to the root of the lack of connection and then help you rebuild that connection until your relationship blossoms.
 

Children of divorce thrive when they have relationships with both parents

Children of divorce do best when they have substantial relationships with both parents. That doesn’t mean the child must have equal affection for both parents, or identify with each parent equally, but it does mean they are supported in maintaining relationships with both sides of the family. 

It may take time to change your child's perspective, but—if there’s no abuse or neglect—it’s crucial to keep working at it. Meanwhile, insist that the parenting time schedule is non-negotiable. Your child needs time with both parents.  

NOTE: Many state and federal laws use terms like ‘custody’ when referring to arrangements regarding parenting time and decision-making for a child. While this has been the case for many years, these are not the only terms currently used to refer to these topics.

Today, many family law practitioners and even laws within certain states use terms such as ‘parenting arrangements’ or ‘parenting responsibility,’ among others, when referring to matters surrounding legal and physical child custody. You will find these terms as well as custody used on the OurFamilyWizard website.