Lifelong Conversations With Your Children About Your Divorce: Preventing Lasting Problems by Thinking Long-Term
When you get divorced, you can’t avoid difficult family conversations. It may feel like we are struggling to get through an awkward, overwhelming, or traumatic moment when we start to talk about tough topics.
It is easy to forget that these interactions are bigger than just that one moment. Conversations about divorce can have lifelong impacts on children’s wellbeing and perspectives.
This article shares a personal story of how my divorced parents were able to improve our family’s communication when a bigger crisis arose.
Then it presents some ideas and tools to help you approach four common problems differently when you talk to children, teenagers, and young adults about divorce. Those problems are Scrutiny, Confusion, Blame, and Disempowerment – all of which can have profound effects on children of divorce.
A fractured family forging peace through crisis
When I was nine, I moved out of the house to live with my father, and my younger sisters stayed with my mother. My parents’ actual divorce process lasted for years, and it felt like there was a spotlight on the dysfunction in our family. Kids at school who I didn’t even know would sometimes ask me about growing up separately from my mother and sisters.
In the three decades since my family’s schism, we have had cycles of estrangements and reconciliations, but along the way my family was able to come together for some holidays, occasions, and collaborations as one big family (with my parents’ new partners also being part of that picture).
All of this began when I had my first hospitalization for bipolar disorder. It meant a lot that people were able to finally get along for the sake of my wellbeing and that of my sisters.
My biggest dream was that we would not always have to wait for crises before people could learn to be more collaborative and reduce the day-to-day strain we had all been living under. I still think about that now when we end up cycling back to some of the old ups and downs, wishing there was a way to bottle up that crisis-inspired mentality and enjoy the benefits of de-escalation all of the time.
Inspired by my family’s problems and successes, as well as my difficulties encountering mental illness stigmas, I became a professional mediator. My hope was to help more people work their way through conflicts by destigmatizing mental illnesses like mine and supporting empowering communication in fractured families, like I had seen when my crisis brought my family together instead of driving us further apart.
My deepest wish has still always been that more divorced families can find the peaceful, supportive dynamics we found during our best times - all without having to ever endure the chronic escalation from our worst times.
That starts with recognizing that all of our conversations have lifetime impacts and domino effects, particularly in shaping the sometimes harsh realities for children of divorce. When my family was at its best, everyone was united with the goal of making things better for their children’s lives as well as reducing the extra stress in their own. To make sure we are doing that all of the time, we should remember that every conversation we have ripples into affecting the children’s wellbeing.
If we want to empower children and help them have peaceful, stable, and healthy lives, then it is important to remember how each conversation leaves lifelong marks, often unfortunately building into complex traumas.
Seeing each moment as part of that larger story can help us make the best of our conversations, so we can build toward better future outcomes. This article looks at four challenging aspects of living life as a child of divorce—along with their lifelong impacts and some strategies for starting productive conversations. I also include some tools to help in each situation.

During a divorce and the following co-parent conflicts, your entire family is autopsied. Everything you do may be judged by either parent or relayed through the legal disputes. Life can feel a lot harder with that added weight attached to every interaction or decision.
Lifelong results of scrutiny
- Heightened anxiety about how people will react to anything you say or do.
- Habitual distrust and secrecy for fear of the ripple effects of information being audited.
- Helplessness and indecision from not wanting to try things or move forward, due to the scrutiny.
Ways to start a productive conversation about scrutiny
With young children (2-6)
- “We love you. You are important. That’s why we pay attention to you.”
With grade school kids (7-12)
- “We understand it can be hard when your parents discuss you so much and have disagreements about you. How does it make you feel?”
With teenagers (13+)
- “Having your parents get divorced is incredibly difficult, I know. Especially because it can feel like people are watching you, or judging what you are doing or saying, or blaming you. Do you feel like that? We can talk about ways to help you feel freer.”
- “It makes sense if you are feeling sensitive about that topic, or nervous to have a conversation about it. I know you might be worried that people may be upset with you or accuse you of saying the wrong thing if you talk about it. Unfortunately, that is normal in these kinds of divorce situations. But I don’t want you to ever feel pressure to share if you are uncomfortable. At the same time, I don’t want you to feel pressure to stay silent either. Could we talk about some ways we can reduce the pressure?”
Tools to help address scrutiny
- Referrals to third-party resources can help a child feeling pressured and audited by their parents
- Here’s a tool to help a child share their feelings and develop boundaries with their parents
- Here’s a tool to help parents reflect on how a child may be feeling
Children of divorce receive information from conflicting sides, plus snippets from the court system. It is hard for them to decide for themselves what is true and what is not. That makes it so difficult to make sense of what they’re hearing - and integrate it into a cohesive narrative for their own life and sense of self.
Lifelong impacts of confusion
- Difficulty trusting family members, friends, people of authority, or anyone.
- Fear of change due to a desire to hold onto anything that feels stable.
- Avoiding conversations and issues to avoid exposure to conflicting narratives.
Ways to start a productive conversation about confusion
With young children (2-6)
- “We are getting divorced. I know it can be confusing. What are your questions?”
With grade school kids (7-12)
- “There is a lot going on. Is anything confusing? Or anything where you are not sure what is going on?”
With teens (13+)
- “I know it can be hard to feel like you can’t know who to trust, and what you can rely on. You’re hearing different things from us, and sometimes there are things that we don’t tell you or can’t tell you. I am not perfect, and I get emotional too, and sometimes I may make mistakes. But I want to build a relationship where you feel you can trust me and rely on me as much as possible. Do you have any questions for me?”
- “Life can be complicated, and I know it’s hard to process the truth when your parents disagree. At the end of the day, one of our jobs is to help you figure out how to decide what is true in life. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to learn what feels true to you.”
Tools to help address confusion
- This tool can help your child form their own narrative of who they are and cultivate a sense of identity apart from the criticisms they may be feeling
- This tool can help you or your child write a letter to your past self to help sort through your perspective on past events, including difficult times
Children of divorce sometimes feel like they are to blame for problems no matter what, regardless of how much their parents try to stress that they are not. It can be hard not to blame yourself if the truth is that all of your parents’ fights are about you, and their arguments are citing information they heard from you.
There are also times parents may directly blame their child (“Why did you tell the other parent that?!”) or that they may indirectly give a sense of disappointment in them with a look or a tone.
Beyond that, there are broader questions of who is to blame for problems. The child often ends up comparing their parents and deciding to blame them for things as well.
Lifelong results of blame
- Insecurity from wondering if you will end up being blamed for things, or from being in an environment where everyone seems to be pointing fingers at one another.
- Predisposition to people-pleasing, co-dependency, and abusive relationships from feeling nervous about being blamed, feeling a need to please others, and feeling obligated to take responsibility for how others feel.
- Negative outlook from looking at people’s faults, shortcomings, and problems and getting used to bitterness and resentment.
Ways to start a productive conversation about blame
With young children (2-6)
- “Nothing that is happening is your fault. The adults are in charge of everything.”
With grade school kids (7-12)
- “Life is complicated. Different people have different reasons for feeling upset, but you are a kid, and none of the problems are your fault. Do you want to talk about what has been going on?”
With teens (13+)
- “There are a lot of problems happening, and your parents often end up accusing each other in court, to one another, and to you. That must be painful. But I know life is about more than blaming people. It is also important to understand other people’s perspectives and limitations, and to appreciate the good things in life. Let’s talk about some of those things, too.”
- “When there are serious problems and health risks, we can’t ignore them—we have to set healthy boundaries or even seek legal help. In our family, there are [restraining orders, supervised visitation, limited access, etc.] because we are taking those problems very seriously in order to protect everyone’s wellbeing. Your parents will take responsibility for those things, but that does not mean you have to blame them.”
Tools to help address blame
- Use an “I” Statements Worksheet to communicate without blaming
- Blame can be related to codependency, where one person (like a child of divorce) feels they are to blame for their parents’ feelings or vice versa. Use the PositivePsychology.com Codependency Questionnaire to see if there are signs your child is acting in a codependent manner, and the Shifting Codependency Patterns Worksheet can
help you think about ways to change this behavior.
An alternative co-dependency inventory is provided by Mental Health America
Even without a divorce and contentious parents, children often feel like they’re not in control of their own lives. When decisions are out of their hands due to legal processes or parental conflicts, there are all sorts of ripple effects that can leave them feeling helpless in their own lives. Simple decisions—like the topic for a school project—could eventually become fodder for fights between parents. A child might feel like their entire lives are defined by warring sides from co-parents who litigate everything. Every day, they might feel more and more disempowered.
Lifelong results of disempowerment
- Nihilism, apathy, and helplessness can form in an environment that feels chaotic or overbearing without any room for agency (feeling like you’re in charge of your own actions and thoughts). That can lead children to pursue fewer opportunities and activities they enjoy.
- Self-destructive behaviors can happen, such as eating problems, substance use, or other behaviors. They might be an attempt to seek control, or an escape, or a cry for attention. It may feel like the only choice they can make is a destructive one.
- Indecision and lack of individuality may occur, where a child is not used to feeling like they have decisions, so they do not try to make any. Instead, they become more vulnerable to peer pressure or going with the flow.
Ways to start a productive conversation about disempowerment
With young children (2-6)
- “What do you really want to do right now?”
With grade school kids (7-12)
- “There are some things that are your choice, and some things that are up to your parents and other adults. What’s a choice you’ve made that you are glad about?”
With teens (13+)
- “With all that is going on—decisions from the court, and arguments between your parent—things might feel out of your control. Can you tell me about a time when you felt like you had no choice? What is a choice you wish you could make?”
- “With so much out of our hands, we can forget sometimes that we have choices. It helps to think about how you want to make your decisions. What do you care about? What are your goals and values?”
Tools to help address disempowerment
- To practice making choices, it is helpful to start by reflecting on your values.
- Following your values, you can set goals.
Everyone has their own versions of the stories surrounding a divorce—the parents, the children, the treatment professionals, the lawyers, the family friends, and so on. Amidst the messy circumstances surrounding family separations, conflicts, and escalations, some common themes emerge for children of divorce. They experience scrutiny, confusion, blame, and difficulty feeling like they can make choices.
It’s important to have conversations about these underlying dynamics when they arise, in addition to addressing whatever might be the issue or conflict of the day.
There is no perfect answer to the chaos that happens in every life, and especially during traumatic family conflicts and upsetting dynamics. But there is hope! Those difficulties can become a source of bonding and growth, as opposed to just being strains and pains.
One answer might be to find ways to think deeply about the child’s perspective. Then it’s easier to help your child feel empowered as they figure out their own identity amidst the day-to-day complexities of being scrutinized, not knowing what is true, encountering blame, and having challenges making choices.
The tools in this article can help you think about ways to have those conversations in constructive, empowering ways. Above all else, the goal is to have the kids’ perspectives in mind as opposed to just talking about the kids. Think about what they might be going through, and how every conflict and every overwhelming conversation has ripple effects across their entire lives.
No one expects anyone else to be perfect. Just remember that your choices and conversations are shaping your kids’ lives, and think about ways to help them feel like they have some control and choices about who they are becoming.