Mediation: A Path to Peacefully Resolving High-Conflict Divorces

By Duane L. Coker, Attorney and Founding Stakeholder at Coker, Robb & Cannon, Family Lawyers
 

Divorce is a challenging experience for any couple, but when conflict runs high, the process can become overwhelming and emotionally draining. If you're facing a high-conflict divorce, you're probably feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and uncertainty about the future. While litigation may seem like the only option, there's a powerful alternative that can help you reach a resolution without the added stress and expense: mediation.

As a family law attorney, I've seen firsthand the devastating impact of high-conflict divorces on families. The constant battles, the financial strain, and the emotional toll can have long-lasting consequences, especially for children. That's why I strongly advocate for mediation as a viable path forward.
 

How do I know if I’m involved in a high-conflict divorce?

A high-conflict divorce is a particularly contentious and emotionally charged separation between two people. Characterized by intense disputes, a lack of cooperation, and often harmful behaviors, these divorces can be highly damaging to both parties involved. Such cases often involve prolonged legal battles, excessive financial costs, and significant emotional distress. Unlike amicable divorces, high-conflict ones are marked by a persistent inability to resolve disagreements, leading to a destructive cycle of conflict and animosity.
 

What is mediation?

Mediation is a structured process that involves a neutral third party, called a mediator, who helps divorcing couples communicate effectively and reach agreements on issues such as child custody, child support, property division, and spousal support. Unlike in court, where a judge makes decisions for you, mediation empowers you to create your own solutions.

How mediation works

Mediation typically involves several sessions with the mediator, during which you and your ex-partner discuss your concerns and work towards finding common ground. The mediator's role is to facilitate communication, guide the process, and help you explore options. They don't take sides or offer legal advice, but they can provide valuable insights and strategies for reaching an agreement.

One of the most effective mediation techniques is facilitated communication. This involves creating a safe and supportive environment where both parties can express their feelings and needs without interruption. The mediator helps to manage emotions, redirect conversations when necessary, and ensure that both parties are heard.

Negotiation is another key component of mediation. This involves exchanging proposals and counterproposals, finding compromises, and ultimately reaching mutually agreeable terms. While the process can be challenging, it's often more productive and less adversarial than litigation.

Benefits of mediation

Mediation offers numerous advantages for couples going through a high-conflict divorce:

• Reduced stress and conflict: Mediation provides a controlled environment where you can address your issues without the emotional turmoil of courtroom battles.
• Faster resolution: Mediation is often quicker than litigation, saving you time and money.
• Greater control: You have more control over the outcome of your divorce when you participate in mediation.
• Preservation of relationships: Mediation can help you maintain a more amicable relationship with your ex-partner, which is especially important if you have children.
• Flexibility: Mediation allows for creative solutions that may not be possible in court.

Mediation has worked well for many of our clients. Because many skilled mediators choose to have each party, and their attorney, in their own separate room, with the mediator going back and forth, conflict can be kept to a minimum. This allows a party to express their true unvarnished thoughts and outcome goals to their mediator and lawyer without upsetting the other party.

For example, I had a case in which the other party had participated in several romantic affairs, spending community property funds on the various girlfriends. My client, the wife, was understandably very hurt and upset about this. She needed to vent to me and the mediator before she got into an emotionally stable place to effectively express her real goals regarding the parties’ property and children. Had this been done in front of the other party, it would have likely derailed the mediation process. However, because only the mediator and I were present, the mediator took her proposed terms for the agreement to the other side without all of the other potentially triggering comments, and we were able to move forward and get the case resolved. By resolving their differences through mutual agreement, the parties were able to start from a much better place as they moved forward co-parenting their young children.
 

Challenges and success strategies

While mediation is a powerful tool, it's important to recognize that it may not be suitable for every situation. If there is a history of domestic violence or abuse, or one party is significantly impaired by substance abuse, mediation may not be the best option.

To increase your chances of success in mediation, consider the following strategies:

• Choose a qualified mediator: A skilled mediator can significantly affect the process's outcome.
• Prepare for mediation: Gather all relevant financial information and consider your priorities before entering mediation.
• Communicate openly and honestly: Be willing to listen to your ex-partner's perspective and share your own feelings.
• Focus on the future: Instead of dwelling on the past, concentrate on creating a positive future for yourself and your children.
• Be willing to compromise: Mediation is about finding common ground, so be prepared to make concessions.

If you're considering mediation as a way to resolve your high-conflict divorce, it's essential to consult with an experienced family law attorney. They can provide guidance, support, and legal advice throughout the process.

Remember, mediation is a journey, not a destination. It may take time and effort to reach an agreement, but the rewards can be significant. By choosing mediation, you're taking a proactive step toward building a brighter future for yourself and your family.