Custody Mediation: A Comprehensive Guide to Reaching Co-Parenting Agreements Outside the Courtroom

What is custody mediation?

Why do you need a child custody mediator?

The child custody mediator has seen many cases, both as a mediator and, if they’re also an attorney, as an attorney. That’s why they know how to spot problem areas in your agreement, add crucial details, and explain what judges will and won’t accept.  

What types of issues are covered in parenting mediation?

These are the most common topics: 

• Physical custody: Deciding where the child will primarily live and how residential time will be shared between parents. This includes weekday, weekend, and overnight arrangements. 
   
  That could look like 50/50 custody with a 2-2-5-5 schedule, or a 70/30 division with a 5-2 schedule, or any number of other options.  
   
• Legal custody: Determining who will have the authority to make major decisions about the child’s upbringing, such as extracurriculars, education, healthcare, and religious practices.  
   
• Parenting time schedules: Creating detailed custody calendars that account for the regular schedule pattern (like 3-3-4-4 custody schedules), holidays, school vacations, and extracurricular activities. 
   
• Transportation and exchanges: Establishing who is responsible for pick-ups and drop-offs and where the exchanges will take place. 
   
• Holidays and special occasions: Planning how parents will divide time during birthdays, holidays, and family celebrations to ensure both parents remain involved. 
   
  “When are we going to exchange at Christmas?” asks Beard. “Some people feel very, very strongly that they should see their child on Christmas Day. But here's the issue: Your kid is going to open up all these presents on Christmas morning. And then at 2 o'clock, or noon, or whenever, they're going to be told, “You have to leave all your new toys, and you don't get to take them with you.” And that primes the kid to have a meltdown.”  
   
  If you do an exchange on Christmas, your mediator will suggest you choose the time carefully. “Are you telling them they've got to leave when everybody's sitting down to dinner?” Beard asks. “Are they missing out? Because kids of divorced parents miss a lot of stuff.” 
   
• Vacations and travel: Agreeing on rules for travel, passport usage, and international trips with the child. How far ahead do you need to give a heads-up that you’re taking your child out of state or out of the country? How long can you be gone? 
   
• Day-to-day parenting decisions: For example, a lot of decisions revolve around smart phone usage. “Cell phones are problematic in lots of cases,” says Beard. “Who's going to pay for the phones? Who's going to use the phones? Who's going to check the phones? Who's going to track the phones? And phones are your best punishment tool. How are you going to agree on those sorts of things?”  
   
• Communication and dispute resolution: Setting expectations for how parents will communicate (e.g., via phone, text, email, or a co-parenting app) and resolve disagreements in the future. 

By addressing these details during mediation, parents can reduce future misunderstandings. Then it’s less likely that they’ll have to return to court. 
 

The custody mediation process

The details are different based on your jurisdiction, i.e., your state or county. (For example, here’s a Guide to Child Custody Mediation in California.) But most child custody mediation processes go something like this: 

1. Prep before mediation: Spend a good amount of time identifying the issues that matter most to you. Think through how you want them resolved. Summarize your thoughts and send them to your attorney and your mediator.  
    
2. Initial intake or screening: The mediator meets with each parent separately to assess the situation, gather background information, and ensure mediation is appropriate—especially in cases involving domestic violence or power imbalances. 
    
3. Orientation and goal setting: Parents are briefed on the process, confidentiality rules, and the child custody mediator’s role. Each party identifies their priorities and desired outcomes. 
    
4. Joint mediation sessions: The mediator brings both parents together in a structured environment to discuss the issues. In some jurisdictions or in high-conflict situations, shuttle mediation may be used, where each parent sits in a separate room and the mediator moves between them. 
    
   “There are situations where a party in family court may have a well-grounded—or not well-grounded—fear of the other party and being near them. But mediators can work to keep the parties separate: staggering arrival times, having them in different parts of the building, even (if permitted by the rules) using virtual mediation to address any safety or security issues that might arise,” Ramsdale explains. 
    
5. Negotiation and problem-solving: Through guided discussion, parents explore options and work toward compromises. The child custody mediator may reframe issues or suggest creative solutions that address both parties’ needs. This is the mediator’s primary mission in mediation.  
    
   “I go back and forth all day,” says Ramsdale, “marking off issues as I resolve them. I also keep track in a written document, so the parties can hopefully sign it at the end of the day, or at least have documentation about what we resolved and what we didn't resolve.” 
    
   Everyone has to compromise for mediation to be successful. “Frankly, if nobody's super happy, but they have a deal, then you probably did a good job as a mediator,” says Beard.  
    
6. Drafting a memorandum of understanding (MOU) and a parenting agreement: Once the parents reach consensus, the mediator or the attorneys document the agreement in writing. This may take the form of a MOU, which is like a precursor to the official order, or a parenting plan, which can be sent straight to court.  
    
   Who drafts the agreement depends on your location and jurisdiction for family law.  
    
   “In North Carolina, the mediator can't draft up the agreement, because that's performing legal work,” notes Beard. “If the parties are pro se (no attorney), the parties have to write something up, and that's another reason why it's a good idea to have an attorney.”  
    
   In a different jurisdiction, Ramsdale, as a mediator, writes up the agreement herself. “For example, I mediated yesterday, there was a pending rule to show cause for violation of a court order. And we reached a global settlement, so I wrote it up as an order resolving the rule to show cause. The parties signed it, and it'll go in front of a judge for signature.  
    
   “And that's another good reason to use a lawyer mediator,” Ramsdale adds. “They can actually draft the document, because they understand what the document's supposed to look like. I know what a judge wants to see.”  
    
7. Court review and approval: The written and signed agreement is submitted to the court for review. “If they submit it to court, the judge reviews it, and then likely the judge signs it, and then they make it a court order. It’s extremely rare for the judge not to sign it,” says Beard.  
   
   Once the judge signs it, it becomes a legally enforceable parenting plan contract.
    

How to prepare for custody mediation

If you’re prepared for custody mediation, you’ll be more likely to get results you can live with. The most important part of prep is identifying the important issues and thinking about how you want them to settle.  

Here are several steps to take before the first session: 

• Identify the main problems: Figure out what matters most to you and what you’re willing to compromise on. Think about your child’s needs, not just your own preferences.  
   
  “There are lots of nuances about things that matter,” Ramsdale notes. “You've got holidays, for example. Is there a holiday that's special to you? You know, this year, do you want Thanksgiving? Do you want Christmas? Children's birthdays, do they matter to you? Do they not?” 
   
  Ultimately, Ramsdale asks, “What are the issues that you think are important, that you think need to get resolved during mediation? You need to make that list. If you don't have an attorney, you should make it on your own, but you need to know what are all the issues that relate to your children that you want to get resolved during mediation, so they can be addressed.”  
   
• Give the child custody mediator a lot of information. “It's helpful to me if I'm given information ahead of time,” says Ramsdale. “Because if I'm given the filings in a case, or the prior orders, or the financials, I will look at them and be better prepared to go in.  
   
  “The mediator will send out a letter saying, ‘If you have documents for me to review, please send them ahead of time.’ Send them ahead of time! Even if it's the night before at 9 o'clock, the mediator's going to appreciate knowing what she is walking into,” Ramsdale explains. 
   
  “Sometimes, a lot of what I'm doing in mediation is just trying to figure out what the issues are. It isn't necessarily the best use of mediation time, but as a mediator, my job is to meet the parties where they're at. So sometimes mediations become a little bit of what I call a discovery conference.” 
   
• Consult a family law attorney: Your child custody mediator can’t give legal advice and can’t take sides, so it’s best to get legal advice before and during the sessions to make sure your rights are protected. 
   
  “Everyone needs to meet with their attorney prior to mediation,” says Ramsdale, “because your attorney can help make a game plan.”  
   
  During the mediation, your lawyer can help you catch details you might miss, understand how parenting plans usually work, explain what judges want to see, and keep a sharp eye out for your best interests and your child’s. They will also talk to the mediator for you. 
   
  Here’s a collection of divorce and child custody resources. You can select your state or look at nationwide resources. 
   
• Understand your child’s routines: Gather information about their school schedule, extracurriculars, and daily habits. This helps create a realistic parenting plan. 
   
• Organize key documents: Bring calendars, report cards, prior agreements, and any relevant communication logs or notes that help illustrate your parenting role. If you use a co-parenting app for documentation, create PDF reports for each feature you’ve used. 
   
• Have a first offer ready: “As an attorney,” says Beard, “I like to go in with a first offer, so that I'm ready to go. As a mediator, I like to see that—it shows that everybody has thought through what they want. In mediation, you start very broadly at the beginning of the day.  
   
  “But,” Beard continues, “it's always a really bad idea to say, ‘Oh, by the way, I know we've been mediating for 4 hours, but, it's really important to me that X, Y, and Z happen.’  
   
  “It's important that everybody comes in knowing what the big ticket issue is. I usually want to talk to the attorneys without their clients, so I can just say, ‘Okay, what's the actual issue here?’”  
   
• Stay child-centered: Approach mediation with the mindset that your child’s wellbeing is the top priority. 
   
• Be ready to compromise: Mediation is not about winning or losing—it’s about finding workable, balanced solutions that benefit your child. 

By preparing thoughtfully, parents increase the likelihood of reaching a parenting agreement that is fair, sustainable, and good for their child. 
 

Pros & cons of custody mediation

There are a couple downsides to custody mediation, but they’re pretty small compared to the pros. Mediation costs money (that’s the main con), but it also saves you much more money—plus it saves you time, stress, and public attention. And ultimately, it’s better for your child. 

Pros of custody mediation

• Less adversarial: Mediation encourages collaboration instead of confrontation. It can help you shift your co-parenting relationship away from conflict and towards cooperation. 
   
• Less emotional: Although mediation can be quite emotional, it still pales in comparison to the emotional stress of a court case. It’s higher stakes because the judge’s decision is binding, and you don’t get to negotiate it. 
   
  Plus, says Ramsdale, “You're sitting in the courtroom while the other person's saying all these terrible things about you, and you've got to sit there and listen to it, and pay an attorney (if you have an attorney) to deal with it, and deal with all the court rules and everything else. In mediation, you're generally not in the same room as the other person.”  
   
• Confidential: Unlike court proceedings, mediation discussions remain private, which can protect sensitive family matters. 
   
• Cost-effective: Mediation is far less expensive than litigation, which can involve multiple hearings and much larger attorney fees. 
   
  Even if you’re really not sure mediation will work for your situation, “It’s a good idea to work around obstacles and give it the old college try,” says Ramsdale. “Because one benefit to mediation is it's generally less expensive, even with paying a mediator and attorneys to attend, than it is to be in litigation.”  
   
• Time-efficient: Many mediation cases are resolved in a day. If it takes multiple days, that’s a long mediation. Court cases, on the other hand, take multiple months at minimum, and can even span multiple years. 
   
• Empowering: Parents maintain control over the outcome rather than having a judge impose a decision. 
   
  In custody mediation, Beard says, “You want to make your own decisions. If you go to mediation, I, as the mediator, can't make you do anything. I can give you feedback, but ultimately, I don't make the decision for you. You make the decision for you. And 99.99% of the time, the parents know their kids way better than the judge.”  
• Better for children: Reduced conflict benefits children emotionally and helps them adjust to new family dynamics. 
  
  Mediation also helps soften the impact on the child’s life. “Parents are going to know things about their kids, like, ‘My kid doesn't transition well. It's been a problem since the kid was in preschool,’” says Beard. “So a schedule that has a lot of transitions is going to be challenging.  
  
  “But what if I'm in a jurisdiction that prioritizes lots of contact with both parents? 
  
  “Custody mediation allows parents to remain in control, and then they get some feedback from the mediator—somebody who has experience and knows what is likely to happen.”  
  
  But “it depends on your kid,” Beard adds. “If you have a roll-with-the-punches kid, that’s great. But it’s different if you have a special needs kid, or if you have a kid on the spectrum and holidays are already super challenging because they're out of their routine. The parents need to know their kid and be able to accurately explain what's going to happen.”  

Cons of custody mediation 

• Expensive: Mediation is expensive—you have to pay the child custody mediator and your attorney—but a court case is much more expensive. 
   
  “I don't know there are a lot of cons to mediation besides the fact it's another cost incident to litigation. But it’s cheaper than trial,” Ramsdale states.  
   
• Not legally binding until approved by a court: Agreements must be reviewed and signed off by a judge to be enforceable. 
   
  This is why it’s so important to have an attorney represent you, and to pick a child custody mediator who is also an attorney. They know child custody laws, and they know what judges will and won’t sign.  
   
  “Let's say mom and dad have separated. Some judges are going to feel really strongly about introducing a kid to a new partner 3 months, 4 months, even 1 month after the separation; and some judges aren't going to care,” says Beard. 
   
  “For example, I've had cases in front of Judge X, and I know that Judge X is not going to take it very well if the new girlfriend is doing all the parenting for Dad. 
   
  “I have had a case as an attorney where the other side wanted to take elementary school kids and make decisions about prom. And the mediator said, ‘We're not going to do that, because your judge isn't going to do that. We're not predicting 10 years into the future here,’” Beard notes. 
   
• Reveals your side of the case: “One of the cons of custody mediation is that you can reveal too much of your hand,” says Beard. “You think you have the smoking gun, and the other party responds: ‘…And?’ Because that happens! 
   
  “But personally, I think mediation's always a good idea. You want to keep as much control as you can. And mediation is often your best place to do that.”  

Not a con: Some people believe that some cases aren’t a good fit for mediation because they’re too intense due to domestic violence, substance abuse, and power imbalances. Ramsdale disagrees: “In cases involving domestic violence, mediators can make arrangements that will keep both parties protected, to include virtual mediation. I have seen many mediations resolve where there are issues of substance abuse, and mediators are trained to address power imbalance issues.” 
 

What if custody mediation doesn’t work?

Tips for a successful custody mediation

Custody “mediations go better for the people who have really prepared, and the people who are willing to think outside the box, and the people who are respectful of the other party's thoughts, feelings, and needs,” Beard explains. 

Here are 10 tips to set you on a successful path. 

• Be mentally prepared. “You need to know, going in, that you are going to be asked to make some tough decisions today,” Ramsdale warns. “You're not going to be ordered to make these tough decisions, a mediator can't make you do anything, but they're going to push you hard to resolve the case, because that is the mediator's job.” 
   
• Have a support person join you. “I’d have someone available to you if you need to talk at some point during the mediation—within the rules of mediation, obviously,” suggests Ramsdale.  
   
  “Sometimes, people will ask if they can bring a parent or a close friend with them to mediation. And it's really, at least in this jurisdiction, the mediator's call as to whether the person can be there or not, and it depends on what the other side says.  
   
  “My general approach is: If the person in the room is not harming the mediation process, then they are welcome to stay. As an emotional security blanket, or if they're helping move things forward, I love having them in there. And if they're not, as a mediator, I will remove them.”  
   
• Ask for breaks. “You can ask the mediator to step outside and give you a break. You can ask to take a walk and take a break. You can ask to reconvene mediation if it's too much,” Ramsdale explains. 
   
  “As the mediator, I'll offer to step out sometimes. But you have every right to ask the mediator to step outside if you want to speak with your lawyer alone. And you should exercise that. Because you know your lawyer; you don't know the mediator,” Ramsdale points out. 
   
• Stay calm and respectful: Emotions can run high, but remaining composed helps the discussion stay productive. 
   
• Listen actively: Give the other parent space to speak, and acknowledge their concerns, even if you disagree. 
   
• Focus on solutions, not blame: Parenting mediation is about moving forward, not revisiting or resenting the past. Regardless of what has already happened, what can you both do, going forward, to raise your child well? 
   
• Focus on your child: Every decision should reflect what’s best for your child’s emotional and physical wellbeing. 
   
• Be transparent: If you’re honest about your concerns and limitations, the agreement is more likely to last long term. 
   
• Use technology for support: Co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard can simplify communication, scheduling, and record-keeping after mediation. Ask your child custody mediator to include this in your agreement.  
   
  “That goes in a lot of agreements: All communications will be on OurFamilyWizard (except in an emergency, when the parents will call and text one another about the emergency only),” Ramsdale shares. 
   
• Pick your battles: “When you want to pick a battle, ask yourself, ‘Is this really a battle?’ One common battle is Halloween. Halloween goes for the entire month of October. There are trick-or-treats, trunk-or-treats, corn mazes, and festivals during the whole month. So, if you don't have your kids on Halloween, there are plenty of opportunities to put on that costume and take them out, and this is not the battle we need to fight,” Ramsdale advises. 
  
  “Ask yourself, ‘Is this the hill I want to die on?’ Because trust me, there's a bigger hill coming.” 

Knowing what you’re facing is a huge help. “Mediation is very emotionally taxing, and it's also mentally taxing in general. Knowing what's important for your children, knowing what you're willing to give on, knowing what's most important to you, is key,” Ramsdale explains. “Very key.”
 

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