Making the Most of Parenting Time: Presence Over Perfection
For parents with limited parenting time, every moment matters. If you don’t have your kid all the time, that can motivate you to make every time exciting and special. But the truth is, connection is more important than perfection. The way you spend the time together is more important than the amount of time you have.
Whose parenting time is it anyway?
Co-parents can put a lot of pressure on “doing parenting time right.”
Dr. Kristen C. Wynns, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and owner of Wynns Family Psychology, says, “In general, there is a tinge of excitement and anxiety around their time with their children, because it's all the more precious, because they don't have their children all the time.”
“I encourage parents to think about a more child-centered focus,” says Dr. April Harris-Britt, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, “as opposed to a more adult-driven approach to the schedule.” For the kids who sit on her couch in her therapy office, Dr. Harris-Britt says, “They hear about mom's time and dad's time, but they don't hear
about, ‘Well, what about my time? Or my life?’”
Parenting, Dr. Harris-Britt explains, means asking yourself, “How do we use this time to support our children's growth, development, and overall needs?” How can you support their academics, social development, and moral, religious, or cultural education?
“Because parents often are struggling with missing their children and wanting to get as much in as possible,” Dr. Harris-Britt says, “sometimes it goes from being child-focused, and instead it's very adult-focused, or custodial, like there's an ownership of that time.”
This can cause disruptions or blockages in a child’s schedule. “If a child wants to go to a particular camp, or they're interested in an extracurricular activity, they may not get to do it because Dad doesn't want to do that during his time, or Mom doesn't want to give up one of her weeks for the child to go to band camp. And so you hear a lot of possessive language about it. Shifting it more to the facilitation of the child's growth and development, I think, can alleviate some of that.”
Tips for making the most of parenting time
Every family is different, but these ideas can help you create more meaningful time together.
Be present with your kids
When you're with your child, try to put away your phone. Resist the urge to check work emails or surf social media. Kids can absolutely sense when your mind is elsewhere, and sometimes they shut down, too, as a reaction.
Show them they have your full attention. Eye contact, active listening, and shared laughter go a long way in helping your child feel seen and valued.
Often a child will say, “’We went out to eat dinner, but they were scrolling on their phone the entire time,’” says Dr. Harris-Britt. “Which then makes the child scroll on their phone, or feel like this is almost an obligation. It's so important for parents to practice being present with their children.”
Dr. Wynns explains, “Like with anything in life, it's all about quality, not quantity. Regardless of the family situation, I recommend parents have an intentionality to carving out time with their kids, where they're going to put up their phone, put up their laptop.”
Let go of the pressure
Often, Dr. Wynns says, “co-parents feel pressure that they have to have Disney World planned every time they have the child. That’s unrealistic for the long term, but it also robs the parent and the child of all the bonding that can come from the actual day-to-day routines of walking the dog together or having the child chopping up vegetables for dinner. The intimacy that comes from those kinds of routines together is very bonding.”
To help you refocus, “I always advise parents to try to replicate what it would be if you had your child full-time. If you had your child or children full-time, you would probably have mundane, routine, day-to-day stuff 80% of the time, and maybe fun stuff planned for 20%, like maybe a little fun outing on the weekend. Maybe a little bit more than is typical if you only have them every other weekend, but still keeping an eye towards the mundane, the routine, quiet time, and relaxed time. The child needs chances to curl up reading a book with the dog there. All those moments are also needed and meaningful for a child's development,” concludes Dr. Wynns.
“Even the most extroverted child who's ‘go, go, go’—even they need a break eventually. It can't just be fun and games, because that's exhausting even for a social child. Everybody needs downtime.”
Create predictable routines
Routines should form the groundwork for everything else. “You want to make sure everybody has a good time,” says Dr. Wynns, “but then there's still the realities of needing to do maybe a little bit of work or cleaning. So it's all about that balance of trying to maximize quality time, but also knowing you have to be realistic.” It’s still living your normal life, you’re just living it with your kids.
Kids feel safe when they know what to expect. Regular mealtimes, bedtime rituals, or weekly traditions can ease transitions and reduce stress.
“It's important for children to have the stability and consistency and predictability of their day-to-day routines,” says Dr. Harris-Britt.
Something as ordinary as taking a walk after dinner or cooking breakfast together can become a comforting ritual.
Children of divorce often suffer from anxiety, which can make it harder to sleep. But the bedtime routine, in particular, can make it much easier. Your child could take a bath, read a book together, cuddle or chat, then hop in bed. Their bodies feel calmer because everything feels normal and safe, because they do this every night. That leaves them with more mental space for tomorrow.
Often, it’s the small, everyday moments that matter most.
Coordinate those routines with your co-parent (if possible)
If your child’s routines are similar at your house and their other parent’s house, that gives your child a healthy, reliable, comforting baseline for everyday life.
“A reassuring, anxiety-quelling technique is to have predictable expectations across households,” says Dr. Wynns. “So even if middle schoolers know, ‘Oh, I have to turn over my phone in both houses at night before I go to bed,’ that's going to be reassuring.”
Especially for younger ages, it helps to keep similar systems for bedtime timing, bedtime routine, wake-up time, and getting ready for the day.
If they’re different, e.g., “If one parent is laissez-faire, and the kid gets to watch TV in their bed until 9:30, the other parent has a really solid ‘dinner, bath, books, and lights out by 8’ routine, that's going to cause stress for the kid to go back and forth and try to adjust to those routines,” Dr. Wynn warns.
Involve kids in everyday life
Grocery shopping, folding laundry, or preparing dinner together can be fun. But more than that, these tasks help your child feel like an important part of your world.
“Kids should be involved with basic chores: walking the dog, helping out with younger siblings, or helping out with meals,” says Dr. Wynns. “They need to have an important chore that everybody's counting on. It is helpful to know you are an integral part of the family culture, even if you're not there full-time.”
Spend the time thoughtfully
Since the time isn’t for you, it’s for your children, it should be focused on their short- and long-term wellbeing. “When you think about the important task of childhood and just overall development,” says Dr. Harris-Britt, “they want to master things. It might be going to the park and learning how to kick the soccer ball, or being on a competitive team. How do we facilitate their mastery of the things that are important to them?”
For younger children, parenting time is mostly focused on play. “Play is important not just because it's fun and joyful,” says Dr. Harris-Britt, “but we know it supports children's development, and it also promotes connection.”
“If they're young kids,” says Dr. Wynns, “it could be sitting on the floor playing Legos. With older kids, it might be a family walk, or board game night, or even video games—whatever would hopefully be of interest to both sides, but erring on the side of what's going to make the kiddos happy.”
As your child grows, parenting time changes. As your children grow up, it’s normal to spend less time with their parents and more time with peers and other out-of-the-house activities. “It's important to think developmentally,” Dr. Harris-Britt says. “The activities that they choose for a young child are going to be very different than parenting a 15-year-old, where you're basically an unpaid Uber driver the majority of the time. But the time in the car is very valuable for conversations and sharing.”
“As they hit the teen years,” Dr. Wynns says, “it becomes even more precious to jump on opportunities to spend time with our teen kids when they're willing and able to.”
Dr. Harris-Britt says, “I encourage parents of older children—tween to adolescent—to go ahead and plan bonding activities, designated time where you just engage in certain things that they enjoy and you routinely do together. It may be going to get your nails done with your daughter, or doing your nails at home, like a spa time, every other Friday. It could be pizza night and camping out for the young kids.
“Something that is very child-focused,” suggests Dr. Harris-Britt. “Be strategic and intentional about those moments.”
Don’t overschedule: Focus on connection, not entertainment
Many parents feel like they have to squeeze 4 days’ worth of activities into 2 days, to compensate for only having a percentage of the child’s time. So they end up doing a lot.
“But children will oftentimes report feeling tired, or overscheduled,” says Dr. Harris-Britt. “Or they’ll say, ‘My mom or my dad took me to a lot of things, but I don't even remember us talking.’”
You don’t need a packed itinerary. Try simple, screen-free options like board games, walks, or reading together.
It’s mostly about giving your full attention to your child. “That means listening to the types of things that they want to talk about, whether it's Pokémon or the new eyeshadow,” Dr. Harris-Britt encourages. “Not necessarily using that time to try and shape their children under this very limited or pressured amount of time.”
She adds, “I sense a lot of anxiety from some parents regarding how to fit everything in, and it does leave the child feeling like they haven't connected. It's because the parents are just not emotionally present.”
By lowering the bar for making parenting time count, parents can actually help their kids feel more nurtured and connected.
Don’t ask about their other home, but do let them talk about it
Don’t ask questions about your child’s other home, Dr. Harris-Britt warns. “Interrogation and or trying to squeeze too many things in are the challenges and concerns that children and adolescents voice concern about.”
At the same time, “You want to be open and present for the child to share what they want to share, even if it is about the other home, in a positive listening way. That's what children are really looking for.”
One way to open up that option is to “think about the language that we use,” suggests Dr. Harris-Britt. “I don't talk about ‘mom's house’ and ‘dad's house,’ or ‘parent one's house’ and ‘parent two's house.’ It's your house with dad, or your house with mom, so that they feel connected to it. Or you can say, ‘your other home.’”
“If there's one thing I have seen time and time again in 25 years of being a practicing psychologist,” says Dr. Wynns, “It's that the gains you get from supporting your child’s relationship with the other parent only come back to serve you well. I've never seen it blow up in the nice parent's face, where they say, ‘Gosh, I wish I hadn't done that.’
“On the other hand, holding onto grudges, bad-talking the other parent, or subtle criticism never, ever has long-term payoffs for parents. In fact, they can really shoot themselves in the foot for having a positive relationship with their child that lasts past the time there's any orders in place.”
Dr. Harris-Britt suggests, “Make sure that you are using the other parent's name in a way that signals to the child that ‘It's okay, I know you have another home, you have another parent, and it's safe to talk about that.’”
Don’t compete with your co-parent
“There's also this implied pressure that you want to keep up with what the other parent is doing,” says Dr. Wynns. “If they plan something really fun, or they've just done a really cool vacation, or an outing, then you want to make sure you're matching that. Sometimes there is this implied competition that can be stressful if you don't put it into perspective.”
Dr. Wynns explains, “There's an ebb and a flow in any family, so it's important for each parent to focus on their specific family culture: What's meaningful to them, and what feels like an appropriate balance of real life (cooking, cleaning, work) and spending time with the kids. Just trying their best, knowing we're never going to get it perfect as parents. That's not realistic, regardless of the family dynamic or setup.”
Instead, “It's always great to encourage and support the other parents' home,” says Dr. Wynns. “It's great to be enthusiastic. Like, ‘Oh my gosh, that sounds so fun, you guys all went to see the new Wicked movie,’ or ‘you guys all went ice skating, that sounds so fun.’ You can't put enough value on how much that means to the child.”
Nurture Emotional Safety
What children need most during transitions is a sense of emotional security. Here’s how you can support that.
Validate their feelings, even the hard ones. Let them know it’s okay to miss their other parent—or to miss you when they’re at their other home. Or whatever they’re feeling!
“Validating is different from agreeing with,” Dr Wynn notes. “So if the child is complaining that the other home is too strict, or a stepparent isn't nice, you can be validating and say, ‘That does sound stressful,’ or ‘I can see how that's frustrating.’ You can be validating without agreeing, ‘Yes, they're so strict, I can't believe they do that,’ or ‘I can't believe your stepparent is like that.’”
Ultimately, Dr. Wynns explains, “Just being a good listener and empathetic and validating their feelings, even without necessarily agreeing, helps kids feel really emotionally safe.”
Avoid negative talk about your co-parent. Kids shouldn’t feel stuck in the middle.
“Try to promote communication with your child where anything goes,” suggests Dr. Wynns, “including what happened at the other home. Then the child isn't going to feel like you're interrogating them, trying to get dirt on the other parent, or criticizing, ‘Really? You guys went to McDonald's twice?’ We don't want any implied criticism or grilling for details.
“For a child to feel emotionally safe,” Dr. Wynns explains, “the best advice is to have them feel comfortable to just share things freely without having to monitor or edit or censor their statements.”
Parents “also need to be aware of their verbals and nonverbals when children are talking about their home with the other parent,” says Dr. Harris-Britt, “or they can signal to the child that the parent is uncomfortable. Then children will naturally try to reduce their parents' discomfort.”
Dr. Harris-Britt continues, “That’s when you have children developing into what we call ‘chameleon children.’ They look and act and seem different each home.” Often, as a rest, children have “siloed personalities and interests, where they won't even talk about the neighbor at mom's house when they're at dad's house.” It’s very confusing to grow up in this fragmented way.
“Emotional safety,” explains Dr. Harris-Britt, “is about letting children know that they are seen as whole people, and that they don't have to be siloed in the things that they do, or the things they like, or in sharing what feels really important to them.”
Keep conversations open and age-appropriate. Remind them they can always ask questions or talk about how they’re feeling.
Make Memories—Big and Small
When you’re picking an activity or event, and hoping it will facilitate some great memories, it “should be child-focused and not adult-driven. What are your children's interests?” asks Dr. Harris-Britt. “It may mean doing something that doesn't really feel interesting to the parent. Whether it's sitting down and playing chess, or reading a book together, like a mini book club, or doing art. There are so many variations in what children's interests are, but it really should start there.”
Unfortunately, “A lot of parents can't tell you what their children are interested in. They can tell you what they do, but sometimes those things are not initiated by the children's interest as much the adult's interest. So slow down and connect on what the child wants to do.”
It can be hard to keep track because kids often develop new interests. “Recognize that as part of children's development, that their interests are going to change,” says Dr. Harris-Britt. “So try not to just do the same thing all the time. It can feel really fickle, but that is part of the exploration part, where children are trying to figure out what they like and don't like. Parents facilitate that.”
You don’t have to spend a lot to create meaningful moments. Try:
- Going for a nature walk or biking together
- Visiting the library
- Doing a puzzle
- Drawing pictures
- Cooking themed meals
- Hosting a movie night with popcorn
- Starting a shared journal or scrapbook
- Build or fix things together
- Ride bikes, rollerblade, dance, go for walks, or do anything else that gets you and your kids moving
Also, “Traditions are super helpful and important for creating memories,” Dr. Wynns suggests. “They really are something everybody looks forward to, year after year. Turning a fun time turn into a tradition is one way to keep those memories going.”
Another great idea is to take pictures and make sure you look at them later. “In this day and age, of course, we all have our cell phones at the ready to take pictures,” says Dr. Wynns. “We have one of those digital frames that has the different photos scrolling through. It’s fun, especially if kids aren't there all the time, to load it up with photos from that weekend. So then when they're there a few months from now, they can see that scroll through and say, ‘Oh, that's the time we all went to putt-putt together, that was a fun time.’ Visual reminders help keep memories alive.”
Stay Engaged Even Between Visits
When you’re not physically with your child, you can still be present in their lives:
- Send a quick voice note, hop on a video call, or share a bedtime story over the phone.
- Use a shared calendar to stay involved with school events, activities, or appointments.
- Drop a surprise note, drawing, or photo in their backpack or lunchbox—small gestures that say, “I’m thinking of you.”
When Parenting Time Doesn’t Go as Planned
Some visits might just feel off. Your child might be distant, upset, or resistant. That’s okay. Kids can get moody! Here’s how to handle it.
The first step is to not take these moods personally. Your child might be distant because they’re embarrassed about a bad grade, or upset because of a fight with a friend. Don’t automatically ascribe the bad mood to something your co-parent did, either.
It’s difficult, though. Dr. Harris-Britt explains, “Parents want to have the best time that they can in the 2 days, 5 days, or 7 days that they have their child. So for the child to be in a grumpy mood, or to not want to do an activity, they will personalize that because of rejection sensitivity. And then that leads to big reactions, that leads the child to think, ‘I can't even express when I'm upset,’ or ‘I can't ever be grumpy. I can't share how I'm feeling.’”
“If the child was in a two-parent household, they would have grumpy days,” Dr. Harris-Britt points out. “I phrase everything through the context of typical child development. What happens when children have big, grumpy feelings? You sit with them, you help them cope through those feelings, you just show that you're going to be present. You're going to help them figure out how to feel better.”
“It can be difficult if a transition is happening on the heels of a tough weekend,” says Dr. Wynns. “It's tough to sort of put a pin in it. You can say, ‘I know this weekend was stressful. It was hard on all of us. We're going to reset for next time. When you come back, we can talk about it. Let's both give some reflection about how to set things up for better success next time.’”
Dr. Wynns adds, “Having regular FaceTime or phone calls or even texting can be helpful. If you have the chance to check in again, maybe a day or two later, and see how everybody's feeling, then things don't build up, and you don't have that anxious anticipation about the next time we see each other. If you got out of hand too, you can say, ‘Hey, I'm sorry again, I lost my cool, that wasn't what I wanted to happen this visit, and I'm hoping next time we can have a much more positive time together.’”
The most important part of this article
To highlight the main takeaway: Be present, open, and interested during your parenting time.
“As much as possible, I'm really wanting parents, as well as attorneys and parenting coordinators, to hear the voice of the children and what they're sharing,” says Dr. Harris-Britt. “I think a lot of things are decided through the lens of what the adults or the parents want, and the children's voice is really, really important.”
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To connect with our experts:
To contact Dr. Kristen Wynns, email Kristen@wynnsfamilypsychology.com, follow Wynns Family Psychology on Facebook, or go to WynnsFamilyPsychology.com.
To contact Dr. April Harris-Britt, email ahb@ahbpsych.com or go to ahb@ahbforensics.com
