Family Mediation for Divorce: What to Expect
Divorce doesn’t have to be a courtroom battle. Mediation is often legally required before a family law trial, and if you reach an agreement in mediation, you don’t have to go to court.
If you and your partner are considering divorce, mediation offers a way to find resolution and closure while keeping control over your future.
What is family mediation?
Family mediation helps divorcing couples make important decisions about their assets and their children. A neutral third party—the family mediator—communicates between the two partners, helping them create solutions that work for everyone, including the kids. 
Unlike a judge, the mediator doesn’t tell you what you have to do; instead, they guide discussions so that you and your previous partner can reach a mutual agreement. If you reach an agreement, you don’t have to go to court.
Family mediation is a really common way to handle a divorce. In a study cited by Mediate.com, 93% of divorcing parents tried alternative dispute resolution (ADR), and over half used mediation (a type of ADR).
“Mediation is a method by which you can keep people largely out of the litigation realm,” says Marie-Louise Ramsdale, family law attorney and certified mediator. “Then the court system's only used to memorialize and approve the agreement.”
In family mediation, multiple issues can be mediated in the same session. Rachel Beard, attorney, board-certified specialist in family law, and certified family mediator, explains, “Most of the time, custody mediation is often happening at the same time as financial mediation, with a private mediator. You're dealing with people's most important things: their kids and their money.”
Not all family mediation cases are about divorce. For example, if siblings
are arguing over a family heirloom, they can go to mediation as well.
What is covered by family mediation?
“Family mediation can address all aspects of a family court case,” says Ramsdale. It can cover issues like:
- Equitable division of assets and debts
- Attorney's fees
- Restraints
- Physical custody
- Legal custody
- Timesharing or parenting time schedules
- Child support
- Alimony
- Taxes (who claims the children?)
- Which school a child will attend
- Whether a child should go on a psychiatric medication
And more. “Mediation is designed to problem-solve,” says Ramsdale. “The question is, what are the problems?”
What are the benefits of family mediation for divorce?
It’s not easy to go through divorce mediation, but it’s a lot easier than going through litigation in court. The biggest benefit is staying out of court, if you reach an agreement–that means saving money, time, emotional misery, and even privacy.
Here are five benefits of family mediation for divorce:
- It’s affordable: Divorce mediation costs way less than litigation (going to court to argue your case). Either way, you should have an attorney, but the amount of time they will bill you for is hugely different.
- It’s private: Mediation sessions remain confidential, unlike public court hearings.
- You stay in control: You get 50% influence on making decisions, rather than having a judge dictate the outcome.
- It’s faster: Most divorce mediation processes wrap up in a day or week, whereas it’s normal for a family law court case to last a year or years.
- It reduces conflict: Mediation encourages calm, respectful discussions that often improve communication—especially important when children are involved.
What is the purpose of family mediation in divorce?
The main goal of family court mediation, in a divorce context, is to help couples separate in a way that’s fair, practical, and less emotionally draining. Whether you’re dividing assets or setting up co-parenting arrangements, your mediator will help you find solutions that support everyone’s long-term wellbeing (especially children).
Types of Family Mediation
Family mediation falls into two main categories: divorce mediation, and disputes between other family members. Divorce mediation can include dividing the assets (money, property, possessions, and debt) or creating a parenting plan, or both.
If kids and assets are both involved in a separation or divorce, both types of mediation happen together. You’ll discuss assets and kids with your mediator, then they’ll make a proposal to your co-parent about how to handle the assets and kids.
Family mediation doesn’t have to be about divorce. Any family members can mediate with any other family members. They could disagree about which sibling needs to pay for a care home for their parents, or when grandparents can see their grandkids. In this article, we will focus on divorce mediation.
Different Family Mediation Approaches
Mediators can be trained in different approaches, including facilitating, evaluative, and transformative mediation. Many mediators use multiple approaches, however, or don’t label themselves using these terms.
In facilitative mediation, the mediator helps guide the conversation, encouraging both partners to explore what they need most from the divorce process. This approach works well when both parties are open to discussion and compromise.
In evaluative mediation, the mediator may offer feedback or insights into the strengths and weaknesses of each person’s position, often referencing how courts might handle similar issues.
In transformative mediation, the mediator emphasizes rebuilding communication and understanding between the couple. This approach focuses on empowering each person to recognize shared goals and reduce hostility.
Although there are different terms for these approaches, an ideal mediation includes some elements of all these types.
Are family therapy and family mediation the same thing?
Family mediation and therapy both involve open dialogue, and they’re both trying to reduce conflict and create better ways of relating to each other. But their purposes are quite different.
- Therapy focuses on emotional healing by helping individuals or couples process their feelings, understand each other better, and learn healthier interpersonal skills.
- Mediation focuses on practical problem-solving: deciding how to divide assets, share parenting duties, and plan for life after divorce.
Therapy helps you heal; mediation helps you move forward. Many couples find that combining both provides the emotional and practical balance they need during a difficult divorce.
Who Is Family Mediation For?
Family court mediation is a great option for many divorcing couples, especially those who want to maintain civility and cooperation throughout their separation. It’s helpful for every divorce case where the parties disagree, plus any other serious situations that need resolution between family members.
Ideal candidates for family mediation include:
- Any partners who are legally mandated to attend mediation before going to court.
- Couples who want to avoid costly and stressful court battles.
- Parents who want to protect their children from conflict.
- Spouses who want to divide assets fairly and transparently.
- Partners seeking to end their marriage on respectful terms.
Even when emotions are running high, mediation offers a safe, neutral space to talk things through. It’s designed to minimize conflict and focus on what matters most: your independent futures and your shared children.
Here are three examples of people who family mediation is for.
- Example #1: This couple separated a few months ago and are trying to co-parent their two young kids. But every exchange ends in an argument. They haven’t been able to agree on holidays, communication methods, or even which school the kids should attend. Mediation could help them set ground rules and lower the emotional temperature—for everyone’s sake.
- Example #2: Three two siblings are caring for their aging mother, but they can't agree on who should handle finances or how to divide the caregiving responsibilities. The tension is starting to affect their sibling relationships. A family mediator can guide them through a calm, practical conversation—so everyone feels heard, and their mom gets the support she needs.
- Example #3: These parents share custody of their son, but trust between them is deeply broken after an affair ends their relationship. Even routine scheduling conversations feel loaded. Mediation can give them a neutral space to focus on co-parenting logistics without rehashing past wounds—and help them shift from emotional arguments to solution-oriented discussions.
Divorce Mediation FAQs
If you’re not familiar with mediation, you might have a bunch of questions. It’s worth knowing how everything works so you’re fully prepared.
How does divorce mediation work?
In divorce mediation, you’ll discuss your priorities, clarify your goals, and explore solutions, guided by a professional mediator who communicates between you and your former partner. You can negotiate details about custody, finances, property, and communication. The process is confidential.
To reach resolution, you both have to agree on all the details. If you agree, you both sign the agreement, and your lawyer sends it to the court for the judge to sign off on it. If you disagree, your case goes to court.
How should you prepare for family mediation?
The best thing you can do to prepare for family mediation is figure out all the issues you care about and consider how you want them resolved. Then, share that information with your attorney and mediator. Your attorney might help you through this process.
“The case may not resolve if people are being confronted with an issue for the very first time at mediation and have not thought about it,” says Ramsdale. “And these are major decisions. They're monetary or they involve children. Mediations go better when people know what is going to be addressed that day and have thought about what their response is to it.”
Ramsdale continues, “If it's financial, you should have your budget figured out. You should know what it's going to cost you to live, and what you can earn, and what you need. You shouldn't go to mediation and say, ‘Well, I don't know what health insurance is going to cost.’ You need to know!”
There are a lot of costs to consider, Ramsdale explains. “If you're going to be negotiating child support, you need to know what factors your jurisdiction looks at for the child support calculation. You need to know, what are the daycare costs? What is the health insurance cost for the kids? What's my income?
“If you go to mediation and you’re not prepared with the numbers, it's a challenge, because then mediation becomes a discovery conference, so to speak,” Ramsdale notes.
“I'm always glad to help as a mediator, because anything that can get people to resolution, get people to ‘yes,’ I'm happy to help with. But it will be more productive if you're not using mediation as a discovery conference,” Ramsdale concludes.
Can a mediator give legal advice?
A family mediator cannot give legal advice. Ramsdale shares, “As a mediator, I can certainly share what I think could or could not happen. But I’m not an attorney for the parties. I don't want to step out of the neutral role.”
It’s extremely helpful if your mediator is also a family law attorney, however, so they can be very familiar with the family law world. Not just what the laws themselves say, but also what is commonly written into parenting agreements and what judges will actually accept.
Beard gives an example. “Sometimes, I hear something wild, like Parent A wants there to be a provision that Parent B can never date, or never introduce the children to anybody whatsoever. Well, then the mediator can say to Parent A’s attorney, ‘I've never, ever seen a provision remotely like that, in any of the counties I've ever been in, in front of any of the judges.’”
When is the best time to start mediation?
Ideally, start mediation early. Early mediation can reduce stress, save money, and protect relationships. But “that decision can be made at any time. A client needs to make that decision with their attorney,” Beard says.
Often, mediation is legally required before a legal case can go to court. “It depends on your jurisdiction,” says Beard. “My jurisdiction, North Carolina, for example, requires you to go to custody mediation if you start custody litigation.”
Ramsdale explains, “There may be a court order that requires mediation within a specific time frame. Once you file a case, there may be state rules or a judge's order that says you have to mediate within 180 days or within 120 days. If you have a dispute after the initial litigation, there may be a court order that says you have to mediate within 60 or 90 days. It depends on what your local rules say or what a governing order directs.”
Ramsdale explains, “You can use mediation before you get into litigation, when you're in litigation, and also after litigation, if there are ongoing issues to be resolved.”
However, Ramsdale adds, “I don't think mediating too early is necessarily a good idea, especially if it's a financial case. You've got to have the necessary financial information. So if this is a case where you're dealing with alimony or child support, and you don't feel like you have a clear handle on the other person's income, then, mediating before you know that is a problem.
“If your former partner gets a W-2, then you probably have that information fairly easily, but if they’re somebody that gets income from multiple sources, it's not so easily defined. For example, they may be getting benefits to employment that can be considered income.”
Sometimes it’s best to wait just a bit, Ramsdale adds. “Mediating when emotions are particularly high, at the start of a case, is generally not a good idea. You want people to come to mediation resolution-focused, not litigation-focused. But the job of a mediator is to meet people where they're at, so you get people at all different phases.”
Ultimately, “You can use mediation if both parties agree whenever needed, or if a court orders it.”
How many sessions does family mediation take?
“Typically most people do one session of mediation,” says Beard. “Some people do two, some people do three. Everybody's different.” The number of sessions depends on how complicated the issues are and whether the people are willing to cooperate with the process.
“People process information in different ways,” Beard notes, “and so some people can't make a huge decision in 8 hours, or 10 hours, or 12 hours.”
Plus, Beard adds, “I have had mediations where some substantive bomb gets dropped in the middle of mediation, and it throws things off for the whole day. Then it might take another day.”
“If it is a complex case, and there are lots of issues, it may make sense to be willing to do a second day of mediation,” says Ramsdale. “The hours from 9 to 5 or 9 to 6 pass very, very quickly.”
Plus, “After 6 or 7 o'clock, it's very hard to end up with a good agreement, because people are exhausted. It's almost better to put a placeholder in it and reconvene. Sometimes in the biggest cases I have, I'll even schedule mediation for two consecutive days.”
Are there financial advantages to mediation?
Mediation is far less expensive than litigation. If you reach an agreement in mediation, you can avoid long court battles, and that means you don’t have to pay your attorney nearly as much. Many couples find that they save tens of thousands of dollars while still achieving a fair, thorough settlement.
“Show up with a good attitude, prepared to try and resolve it,” recommends Ramsdale. “Because the alternative is a trial. And those are never fun. The only people that benefit from the trial are the attorneys and expert witnesses who get paid. Ask yourself, would you rather have the money, or would you rather pay your attorney the money?
“When I’m in the role of an attorney in mediation,” Ramsdale adds, “I'll say to my client, ‘Do you want to accept this settlement, or are you going to pay me X amount of dollars to go to trial?’ You have to make that decision, and usually the better answer is to settle the case if the terms can be acceptable.”
It helps to get specific about the costs. “It depends on the case,” Ramsdale explains, “your attorney should absolutely be able to quantify that for you. And if your attorney has not given you a trial budget, then you should ask for one.”
Ramsdale gives examples. “I can say, ‘It's going to be $50,000,’ or ‘$250,000,’ or it could be ‘over half a million,’ depending on what the case is. But remember, I do complex litigation, so smaller cases are obviously not going to cost that much. A one-day trial is going to be a lot less than a three-week trial with four experts.”
A few things that make litigation complex: complicated assets, incomes other than W-2s, or allegations of alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse. The more of these factors there are in your case, the more you stand to save by settling the case in mediation.
Is divorce mediation always successful?
Some mediations end without reaching an agreement. Although that’s frustrating, it’s not a waste. “If nothing else, at mediation you get clarity on the other side's position,” Ramsdale points out. “And just because it didn't settle today doesn't mean it won't settle.
“Even if a mediation doesn't finish, it gives the attorneys an outline to keep working—and you can always return to mediation. Even if it doesn't settle, you may have gotten more information during that day that's helpful to your case.”
Can I bring my lawyer to mediation?
You will need legal advice, and your mediator can’t give legal advice, so it’s always a good idea to bring your family law attorney to family mediation. They can advise you, negotiate on your behalf, communicate with the mediator, and protect your interests.
“My job as a mediator is to resolve the case,” says Ramsdale. “That’s different than my job as a litigator, which is to be an advocate for my client.” You need both!
What issues can family mediation cover?
Family mediation covers a lot of ground; it can help you work out child and spousal support, property and debt division, communication guidelines, parenting plans, physical and legal custody, parenting time schedules, and future decision-making about your child’s academic, religious, and health-related issues.
How do I find a family mediator for divorce?
If you have an attorney, you won’t need to find a mediator—your attorney will handle it. They likely have a network of trusted mediators, and they know how to choose the right one. “Listen to your attorney on this,” says Beard.
“Your attorney is going to know things that are important,” Beard explains. “You have some people who are only going to listen to men, or who are only going to listen to women, or who are going to be dismissive of a young-appearing woman, or who are going to be offended if it's an older man. Those are things that the attorney should be observing in their client, so that they can try to make the best fit.
“If I have a case where I know my client needs a firm hand because they are going to go on tangents, I might want a firm mediator who's going to say, ‘Hey, let's stick to what's important.’ Or if I have somebody who I know spooks easily, then maybe I'm going to want a softer mediator. It’s an attorney job to pick a mediator is who is going to mesh well with your client,” Beard concludes.
There are two attorneys at play, of course—yours and the other party’s—and they both get a say. Beard explains, “Usually the two attorneys give each other a bunch of names, and it's whoever you can get in with first that you can agree on.”
If you’re pro se (representing yourself without an attorney), Ramsdale suggests asking your friends and family for recommendations (especially if any of them are lawyers). In addition, “A lot of jurisdictions or areas have mediation centers, so that might be a place to start. Most state bars have a list of licensed mediators. You can also do a Google search.”
What should I look for in a family mediator?
“When you're looking for a mediator,” Ramsdale strongly suggests, “at least in the family court area, I think it's very important to use a mediator who is also a lawyer. Not a counselor, not a therapist, but to use a lawyer who knows family law.
“For example, if you come up with an agreement, it may not fit within the guidelines of the law, and then the judge may not approve it, and then you're back to square one.”
Ramsdale adds, “People will say, for example, ‘If we can't decide about a medical decision, then the pediatrician will decide.’ Well, the pediatrician doesn't get to decide, because that takes the power away from the parents. Or they'll say, ‘We'll take this child's issue to arbitration.’ Well, you can't arbitrate children's issues, at least in this jurisdiction.”
“I have nearly 20 years of family court litigation experience, so although I can't tell you definitively what judges do, I can tell you that if you go to trial, this or that is likely to happen,” Ramsdale explains.
Your attorney will have an opinion about what to look for, too. “When I’m the attorney, and I'm thinking about mediation, I have to think what'll work best for my client, in terms of the mediator and the setting, and what will work best for the other party (from what I know of the other party), and I have to take the other attorney into consideration, too—who would they work well with?”
Can you do virtual mediation, or do you have to go in person?
Different jurisdictions (states or counties) have different rules for virtual mediation. In some places, it’s the standard. In others, it’s unusual. “In South Carolina,” Ramsdale explains, “more mediations tend to be in person, and it's more difficult to do virtual mediation here. But I've had success with both.”
Even in areas where nearly all mediations are virtual, “Some attorneys will say, ‘My client really needs to see the mediator in person. They are not going to do well with a virtual mediation,’” Ramsdale explains.
Do you have to be married to do family mediation?
You can do family mediation whether you’re married or not! If you're not married, Ramsdale notes, you can skip some issues, like alimony or equitable division of marital assets and debts. And for custody, the laws may be different in some areas. But the mediation process still works the same way.
Tips for a Smooth Family Mediation Process
- Come prepared: Know what issues are most important to you and what you want a resolution to look like.
- Prep your mediator: Give your mediator any documentation beforehand, including an outline of the issues and your position.
- Focus on the future: Mediation is about finding solutions that make post-divorce life smoother.
- Keep your children at the center: Their wellbeing should guide every decision.
- Be willing to compromise: Flexibility opens doors to creative solutions. Everyone has to compromise for mediation to work.
- Take care of yourself: Mediation is emotionally taxing—it’s ok to pause to process and reflect and just take a breath.
- Treat it like a business transaction: “Some people look at it as a business transaction, especially if you're mainly dealing with financial issues,” says Ramsdale. “What I tell a lot of people is, at this point, the marriage is over. This is a business transaction. How do we divide this business?”
OurFamilyWizard: A more constructive path after mediation
Family mediation for divorce offers couples a calmer way to get through one of life’s most challenging transitions. But what happens after your agreement is finalized? If you have children, you can document that agreement in OurFamilyWizard, a co-parenting app designed to make post-divorce documentation and communication easier.
For people with children, communication during and after divorce is crucial. If your communications have calmed throughout the mediation process, OurFamilyWizard offers a secure space to carry on that momentum.
The app helps co-parents coordinate schedules, share updates, split expenses, communicate, and document everything in one central spot. OurFamilyWizard can help you take the next step toward a more peaceful, cooperative future.
