When You and Your Co-Parent Get Frustrated Over Homework
Homework is a common source of frustration for kids and co-parents alike! One parent often feels like the other parent doesn’t help enough with homework. Or the other parent feels like there’s too much pressure and blaming. This can happen in many areas, but I see it often with homework. As a parenting coordinator I help co-parents solve issues when they can’t find a resolution on their own.
So what can you do when your co-parent doesn’t help enough with homework? Or what if you’re the parent falling behind? This article will help answer both of these questions.
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What are your strengths and weaknesses when it comes to homework help?
Let’s face it, oftentimes one parent is just stronger at maintaining routine and structure. Sometimes, a parent struggles with routine or academics. Maybe they get things done on the fly, or maybe they have a more hands-on job, so there’s less time or energy for homework. Both parents just want a solution.
Make an inventory of your own strengths and weaknesses in this area
To start tackling your homework situation, first sit down and evaluate your strengths and weaknesses and your co-parent’s strengths and weaknesses. Keep in mind that this isn’t a value judgment! It’s a good time to be realistic.
Discuss strengths with your co-parent
You or your co-parent probably won’t come to the table and say, “Well, I'm not really good at doing homework. I'm not good at structure.” Most people won’t be that honest about themselves—it takes vulnerability, and many co-parents don’t trust each other. If you or your co-parent struggle with this - it might be helpful to get a parenting coordinator involved to help.
Oftentimes, it's easier just to talk about the strengths of the other person. So instead of saying what they're bad at, some parents use this format to acknowledge the difference: “You are much better at _[academics]_, and I appreciate that you are taking care of _[homework]_.”
I'm not going to try to put a square peg into a round hole. At the end of the day, when you're trying to make things perfectly fair between the two parents, what you're doing is hurting the child. If one parent has 50% of the homework responsibility but can only manage 30%, that leaves the child with 20% unfinished homework, which just wont work. So let’s look at some other solutions and ways you can balance the parenting workload in other ways.
Are you the parent struggling to stay on top of homework? There’s another way
If you’re the parent doing less homework supervision—and you can’t find a realistic, sustainable way to change that—then it might be a good idea to offer to pick up the slack somewhere else.
Thank your co-parent for their contributions to homework
First, acknowledge that your co-parent is doing a lot of the work. When people feel appreciated and acknowledged, then they tend to give it more effort. And saying “thank you” goes a long, long way—even if it's rebuffed! You said “thank you,” and that is what's best for your child.
Offer to contribute more in another area
You can offer to pick up slack like this: “Hey, I know that you are doing X, Y, and Z. And I really appreciate that. There are a bunch of hockey practices coming up. This season, why don’t I take that on? This doesn’t mean that you can’t go to the games and practices or that you're not involved. But I will put extra effort into that because that's where I can add the greatest value to our child's life. This way, I can be a more active participant or keep our child on the right track.”
If your child is doing an extracurricular, like piano, then you can make sure your child practices piano. Even if it's not one of your strengths, you don’t play the piano, or you’re a terrible musician you can at least ensure that your child practices.
Some other ideas include offering to pay for school lunches, so that instead of spending time packing lunches your co-parent can use that time to help with homework.
Ask your co-parent for input
If you’re not sure how to fill the gap, ask your co-parent directly: “Since you're helping more with the homework (because that’s your forte), what can I do? Where can I be useful?” This will go a long way.
Are you frustrated with your co-parent? Honestly, they might not understand the situation
In homework situations, these are some of the most common false assumptions parents make about their co-parent:
- “My co-parent is less intelligent.”
- “My co-parent is just lazy.”
- “My co-parent is not a good parent.”
- “My co-parent is trying to make my life harder.”
Making assumptions is dangerous. Sometimes, the other parent is just not aware—but, again, we make assumptions. Even in our personal lives or professional lives, we often think, “Well, that person should be doing this, or that person should be doing that.” That person might have no idea that it is even required or desired.
Now you might think that with homework, both parents should know that it’s required. But I'm telling you, a lot of parents don't know.
So try to share as much information with each other as possible that you learn about school.
If you’re not familiar with your child’s academic workload, jump in. Here’s how.
Often, the schools will send out informational emails or communicate primarily with one parent. In my practice, this is occurring about 50% of the time. Typically there has been one parent who has been receiving all the communications from the school and is actively involved. Before the separation or divorce, that parent passed information to the less active parent. But post-separation or divorce, the less active parent is left wondering, “What do I do now?”
Step one: Connect with the school and the teacher
Make sure that you are on all the school and class communications and email lists. Reach out and if possible meet the teachers. You can say, “I know this isn't unique. But we have two different households, and we both want to support our child. I just want to be sure that we're both included in everything that goes out. How can I do that?” Educators love hearing this! Do this at the beginning of each school year or semester.
Don't rely on your co-parent to do this for you, and do not rely on your child. Don't leave it up to the school, either. It’s up to you to proactively reach out, set up meetings with teachers, visit the school, sign up for email lists, etc.
Step 2: Use the school portal
Most school systems use a student portal, particularly for older students (starting as early as late elementary or junior high). Parents should ensure they both have their own access. The portal will show you grades, missed assignments, and upcoming assignments. If you don’t have a password and don't have access to your child’s portal, get it ASAP! Don't rely on your co-parent to do this for you, and do not rely on your child.
Step 3: Create a reward agreement
A reward agreement will help keep your child on track and teach accountability. More on this below.
A practical solution for staying on the same page with middle and high school aged children
Most children in grades 7 through 12 should be responsible for their own workload. To teach them responsibility and reinforce its importance, create a contract with your child. I call it a “reward agreement.” This was recommended to me by an advanced behavioral analysis (ABA) therapist, and it's worked extremely well for my clients who have implemented it.
The required behavior (that will be rewarded)
Here’s an example: Every Friday (or whatever day of the week the assignments are posted), Jimmy is going to write down his work and show it to me in his planner. Or he’s going to pull up his work on the school website, and he’s going to show his upcoming work for the week. He does this with both parents.
Then everyone is on the same page and knows what’s expected: parent 1, parent 2, and Jimmy. (And Jimmy knows that everyone has these expectations.)
The reward
Give your middle/high school aged child input into the reward system. This is key. Some kids prefer money, some kids want gaming time. Some kids want to drive the car. It just depends. But they all have their own currency.
It can be a completely different reward at Mom's house vs. Dad’s house. (Many differences between homes can be healthy.) At Mom’s house, Jimmy can stay up 20 min later. At Dad’s house, he gets an extra hour of video gaming. Both parents need to be lenient and understanding with each other.
Don’t just reward grades. This is a method for creating steppingstones to get your child to a place where they can realistically earn good grades.
The structure of the reward agreement
The reward agreement should include:
- The child’s name
- Both parents’ names
- A little introduction: “We want you to do well, and so, as part of that, here’s our new reward system.”
- The requirement: Showing both parents your assignments weekly
- Weekly deadlines: Showing one parent by Sunday 2pm, and show the other parent by Monday 7pm
- What the reward is: money, video game time, etc.
- A calendar or chart to keep track of requirements and rewards
If he’s with Mom on Mondays, Jimmy will show Mom his assignments written down in his planner or on his iPad—and it's up to Jimmy to remember. So if Jimmy forgets the iPad at his other parent’s house? Or just forgets to show Mom his assignments? No reward.
Enforcing the agreement
Even if custody is split unequally—say Jimmy is with Mom every other weekend, or 3 weekends a month, but he’s with Dad the rest of the time. It's very important that Mom still sees what's going on, so she knows about Jimmy’s workload. If Mom doesn’t have any parenting time that week, then there needs to be some sort of audio or video call.
This should solve the problem. Now Jimmy keeps both parents informed, in a coordinated system.
What if both parents have trouble with homework?
If neither parent is great with homework, then tutoring is crucial. Try to agree on it, and then split the cost according to your parenting plan’s guidelines for educational expenses. You can also ask your child’s teacher for help.
Supporting your child’s academic progress—in a sustainable way
In most parts of co-parenting, things are not split exactly equally, even if you have 50/50 custody. This is especially true when it comes to homework.
Frustrations surrounding homework are incredibly common, but that doesn’t make them easier. What does make them easier is playing into each other’s strengths and finding a sustainable solution—one that both parents can uphold as it benefits the child’s schooling.
Author's Bio:
Shana (shan-na) Duehring, Esq. is the Founder of Our Family Parenting Coordinator, LLC, a St Petersburg, Florida based legal practice dedicated solely to advocating for the best interest of children. She is a court-appointed parenting coordinator, guardian ad litem, educator and licensed attorney with more than 20 years of experience. Shana lectures locally and nationally on neurodivergent children in family law cases and parenting coordination law and is known throughout Florida’s PC community as an expert on parenting coordination laws and ethics. She currently serves as Chair of The Florida Bar Family Law Section Parenting Coordination Subcommittee and President-Elect of the Florida Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Shana holds a Professional Certification in the Fundamentals of Neurodiversity, from Florida State University. She earned her JD from Wake Forest and BS from Florida State.
