Six Defensive Reactions

When someone says or does something to make us feel put down, hurt, frustrated, or angry, we may feel attacked and try to protect ourselves by using one or more of these six defensive reactions. When we get defensive, we get into power struggles, which causes many unnecessary, destructive conflicts.

1. Surrender-Betray:

We are a traitor to ourselves when we allow someone to mistreat us and then defend the person's behavior, taking the blame ourselves.
Example: We might say, "He just treated me rudely because he was in a bad mood. I should have known better than to ask a question just then."

2. Surrender-Sabotage:

We outwardly give in or cooperate with someone and then undermine the person in some way.
Example: We might talk about the person behind her back, or procrastinate about doing something we told the person we'd do.

3. Withdrawal-Escape:

We avoid talking to someone about something we don't want to discuss.
Example: We might simply not answer, or leave the room, or change the subject.

4. Withdrawal-Entrap:

We refuse to give information to someone as a way to trap him/her into doing something inappropriate or making a mistake.
Example: We might just stare the person and not answer a question she asks until she gets embarrassed and drops it or gets angry and says something that inappropriate.

5. Counterattack-Justify:

We explain our own behavior or make excuses if someone questions or criticizes us to let him know he is wrong to be upset with us.
Example: We might say "I would have gotten that done sooner, but I've been really busy," or, "I'm doing my best," or "I can't work any faster."

6. Counterattack-Blame:

We attack or judge the other person to defend ourselves.
Example: We might blame the other person for whatever the problem is, saying perhaps, "You are always so critical," or "Why are you in such a bad mood?"

© 1994 Sharon Ellison