Regaining Trust – Reuniting Children With A Former-Alcoholic Parent
There are many reasons why families break up. Sometimes parents simply drift apart. Sometimes there’s infidelity involved. And sometimes there’s alcohol. The presence of heavy drinking and alcoholism in either one or both partners has been proven to increase a couple’s chances of divorce significantly[1].
In these cases, it sometimes happens that the alcoholic parent—either deliberately, through the wishes of their more sober partner, or through their own negligence— loses contact with their children. But what happens if you’ve kicked out an alcoholic, brought his or her children up alone for a while, and they suddenly get back in touch? What if they tell you that they’ve changed, that they’re sober now, and that they’d like to rebuild a relationship with their children? What should you do?
Don’t tell the kids straight away
The trouble with alcoholism is that it’s a perfidious disease which often causes impulsive and sometimes compulsive lying. Even if your former partner is telling the truth in a moment of sobriety, unless they’ve got their habit under control, it is likely that they will go on a binge and let down your children just as they’re starting to rebuild a relationship.
It is not impossible for children to have a relationship with an alcoholic parent, but often this needs considerable supervision, and for the alcoholic parent to be managed and organized by a third party. If this is not an option, then it may be best to not yet tell your children about this parent wanting to get in touch until you’ve established for certain that they are serious about it and that they’re not going to cause your kids heartache by letting them down.
It’s also worth noting that spending time with parents who are active alcoholics can have serious consequences for children[2], so it’s important to make sure that your former partner truly is on the road to recovery and will not be drunk in front of the kids.
Establish that they're telling the truth
It can be very hard to know if an alcoholic truly is on the mend, as even alcoholics who want to recover experience significant rates of relapse[3]. However, you can try to get at least a reasonable idea of their dedication to recovery and how well they’re doing.
Ask your former partner what kind of treatment they’re undergoing, and if they’ll let you speak to their doctors for a progress report. If they’ve joined a help group such as Alcoholics Anonymous, see if you can speak to their sponsor[4] for an honest opinion on how they’re doing. Alternatively, you can try speaking to their friends or those who work in their favorite bars to see if they’ve noticed a difference in drinking and behavior. If your former partner proves unwilling to let you investigate their level of commitment to recovery, you can let them know that you may ignore their requests until they are willing to cooperate in this.
After all, it is in the best interests of your children that you are certain their other parent is on the right path before you let them get close to the kids again.
Have a grown-up conversation
If you’re satisfied that your former partner has their life under control, it’s time to have a good, long, mature conversation with your children on the subject. This can be difficult. Family life with an alcoholic is tough and takes an incredible toll upon every member of the family[5].
If their parent’s alcoholism was evident for a long time, and your children are old enough to comprehend it, it is likely that they will have complicated emotions regarding that parent. It is also understandable that you may be reticent about letting your children get close to someone who has previously caused the family pain.
On the other hand, teaching a child about reconciliation and forgiveness is a powerful message. Plus, children often want to have a close relationship with both of their parents. If they have the opportunity to rebuild their relationship with an absent parent, should it not be taken? Talk all of this over with your children, and decide how you want to proceed.
Stay safe
If you decide that all is well and your children are too young to reunite with their other parent of their own volition, then try to arrange a meeting somewhere which is both physically and emotionally safe.
Physically safe means somewhere that others will be aware of what’s going on, particularly if alcohol often lead to violence for your former partner in the past[6]. Emotionally safe means somewhere that can provide a clean slate, free of hurtful memories of the past. If you do not wish to be present at the meeting, perhaps ask a close family friend whom you both trust to be present, just to ensure that everything goes ok. This may well not be necessary – but such meetings can be emotionally trying, and it may be useful to have someone else there in order to provide some strength and stability.
If you are unsure how to best handle a situation such as this or need further assistance in reuniting your children with their other parent who has struggled with alcohol in the past, consult your attorney or another family law professional. They will be able to offer guidance and support in this matter.
Written by: Helen Young
Sources:
- M F Caces, T C Harford, G D Williams, E Z Hanna, “Alcohol consumption and divorce rates in the United States”, Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, 1999
- Julia Llewellyn Smith, “The pain of growing up with an alcoholic mother”, The Telegraph, May 2013
- Rudolf H Moos, Bernice S Moos, “Rates and predictors of relapse after natural and treated remission from alcohol use disorders”, Journal of Addiction, Feb 2006
- Alcoholics Anonymous, “Questions & Answers On Sponsorship”
- Marni Low, “Substance Abuse and the Impact on the Family System”, Rehabs.com, May 2015
- World Health Organization, “Intimate Partner Violence and Alcohol Fact Sheet”