Merry Divorce: Surviving the Holidays

Having grown up in what many would call a ‘broken family’ I’m well aware of the affects divorce can have during the holidays. Regardless of how much you fight it, holidays will be different from how you and your family celebrated them pre-divorce. From the good to the bad and everything in between, the problems that lead to your divorce are going to be further compounded during the holidays, especially when there are children involved.

If this is the first holiday season since your divorce, it may be difficult to get yourself or your family into the holiday spirit. Hurt feelings between you and your ex are easily brought up around this time of year and resentment towards change can be difficult to combat.

Regardless of how difficult it is, the best way to approach the holiday season is with the same amount of love and joy that you would in any other circumstance.  Easier said than done, I know, but if you have your ducks lined out beforehand keeping a smile on your face and a cool head will be much easier.

Plan Ahead

The specifics of who gets the kids at what point doesn’t matter as much as making sure that your kids don’t feel any stress from the situation. However, it is important to make sure you discuss the arrangements beforehand to reduce any chances of confusion or misunderstandings that have the potential to result in tension or even a full blown argument.

Many parents chose to lay out the holiday arrangements in the custody agreement and depending on relationship with your ex this may not be a bad idea. It’s ok to get the courts involved as long as the kids stay out of it.  It’s extremely important during the holidays to pay attention to how your children are coping with the divorce. Take the time to talk to them about the holiday arrangements well in advance so that they do not find themselves in an uncertain or stressful situation.

Introduce new traditions

Remember that childhood song about making new friends but keeping the old ones? The same goes for holiday traditions. Keep as many of the old traditions as reasonably possible but introduce some new ones as well.

 The first year after my parents had been divorced my dad introduced the Dutch tradition of leaving carrots in our slippers by the fire place for Santa’s reindeer. We still left out milk and cookies for Santa as we had done every year before, but the carrots served as a nice treat for the reindeer. On Christmas morning, my dad took my brother and me outside to find the half eaten carrots! It may have been a bit unconventional but it was as fun way to keep our young minds off of how different things were than they had been in previous years.

Do Away with Competition

It’s not uncommon for divorced parents to feel like they have to compete with one another for their children’s love during the holidays. My parents were pretty bad offenders of this. One would buy us one thing and then the other would try to top it.

As a kid I just thought that it was cool to be getting so many great presents but I’m sure it was miserable for both of my parents to feel like they were always second best.  If need be, talk to your ex about who is buying what. Not only will this take away the competition element, but it will ensure that your kids don’t get too many duplicates when it comes to presents.

Above all the most important thing you can do during the holidays is too keep a positive attitude and encourage your children to do the same. Your divorce may have changed a lot of things in your life but it doesn’t have to ruin the holiday season for you or your children. 

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Written by: Samantha Hopkins

Samatha Hopkins is a law student working on her final year of law school. When she's not studying she likes to puruse the history sections of bookstores and getting in the occasional  workout at the gym. She lives with her quirky roommates and their pomeranian, Honeypot.  She is currently working at a law firm to build towards my internship credit.