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Tips for dealing with the ex-factor

The process of blending family brings confusion and surprises into many moments. The process may also lead to moments of "blender brain," when it appears there is no solution, no end in sight and nothing you can do to eliminate the obstacles you face.

Tegan writes:

My partner's ex calls non-stop every night. My partner has told his ex that this excessive communication is inappropriate. He stopped answering the phone in the past. However, his ex reported his actions to the courts stating that, "we are preventing her from co-parenting and contacting her son." This issue has gone so far that his ex now writes "appropriate" emails to us to show the courts that she communicates in a healthy manner. However, over the phone she yells and threatens both of us. The calls bring constant interruption into our days and nights. The chaos is impacting his son, my daughter and everything about our lives together. Our relationship, including physical intimacy is negatively impacted by the conflict. What can we do?

Tips for dealing with the ex factor:

1. Create new communication patterns with ex. An ex has every right to speak to a child each day and your child will benefit from having both biological parents actively involved in their daily lives. However, there is no reason for the divorced parents to speak to each other each day or evening. Encourage the parent to provide a general time frame when they will call each evening, the child can answer the phone and speak directly to the parent, or use caller ID and have the child answer the phone.
Cell phones for older children are helpful. A cell phone will provide a comfortable way for the child to stay in contact with the parent "off duty."

2. Email. Explain to ex that you will not answer multiple calls each day. However, you will respond to email questions or concerns in regards to co-parenting. Commit to reply in a timely manner when possible and beneficial to the child. Plan email in advance, with a lack of time comes pressure which effects a person's ability to make sound judgments. If issues are handled early enough, most of the issues can be handled before the event as opposed to after where nothing can be done.
The arrangements and correspondence will be documented if you save email. Visit Our Family Wizard for ways to save records and communication.

3. Have a clear and concise parenting plan. Include holidays, half days, vacations, medical issues, education, religion, moving, day care and so forth. This will reduce conflict over the many years of co-parenting ahead. Visit Our Family Wizard for co-parenting needs including creating parenting plans, communicating with an ex, sharing records and information and finding helpful resources and information.

4. Do not take your frustrations out on any of your children. Be mindful of your actions.

5. Protect your children from the drama. Do not allow your children to "feel" the magnitude of pandemonium in the air.

• Do not talk to children about the ex in a negative light or pry for information about an ex from children.

• Do not talk about an ex to family, friends or community members in person or on the phone, even if you are using a "code," at any time children are in the vicinity. Children will listen and pick up on all that is going on during divorce and transitions.

Tips for strengthening your relationship as a couple:

Make the first 5 minutes count. The first 5 minutes set the tone for your time together. If you bring up issues with the ex after a long day at work or school, this will set the tone for the entire evening. Instead, when you greet, being with something positive that happened during the day, compliment your partner, kiss/ hug each other, and find ways to bring lightness and playfulness into these first moments together.
Support your partner. Do not take your frustrations with an ex out on your partner. Remember, an ex may be trying to sabotage your relationship or have other motives. Regardless, focus on your relationship and present as a cohesive unit.
Create time and space for emotional and physical intimacy. Make your relationship your priority and your entire family will benefit.
Set aside a time & place to deal with ex issues. Set aside a time during the week or several days if absolutely necessary. Plan this time after you have had emotional and physical intimacy together and time as a family. You may decide to find a location outside of your home to discuss ex issues. Keep all conversations about ex's out of your bedroom.