The #1 Problem After Divorce:
I recently conducted a survey of several online support groups for divorcing and divorced people, so many of whom gave me their kind responses to my question:“What are the three most challenging aspects of your divorce experience?”
The #1 problem that overwhelmingly rose to the surface was:
Being lonely.
Of course that’s a natural and expected state to be in and feeling after a divorce. I know, I’ve been there too. Twice. It’s a very lonely place at first, because we’ve created the habit of being with this person who is no longer in our life, and so many of our skills and capabilities for taking care of ourselves and our own state of mind we shared in relationship.
Make sure you get that last point before reading on: In relationship, we share our skills and capabilities for taking care of ourselves with our partner.
That means they become part of our patterns and habits of interacting, of self-care, even of how our inner world of thoughts and feelings operate from day to day. Pretty intimate stuff we’re talking about here.
It’s no wonder that so many of us feel so lonely after a divorce, and miss that other person being in our lives, and why so many don’t leave an unfulfilling relationship even though we know that it’s not good for us, and probably not good for our partner to stay in the relationship.
Here’s the kicker: All human patterns are just that: patterns and habits. Which means they can be changed. Hooray! No kidding, it’s true.
The easiest way to change a pattern in our lives that I’ve found, after feeling desperately lonely in my life and overcoming that loneliness, and after helping thousands of clients to overcome loneliness too, is to replace that pattern with another pattern that is more healthy and sustainable.
This works for stopping bad habits like smoking, drinking too much, even relational patterns like yelling at our kids or partners, or putting ourselves down with internalized negative statements about ourselves.
Replacing a desperation pattern that is hurtful to us with one that is healthy is the easiest, quickest and least painful method of getting over the loneliness of divorce.
Here’s what I did: After my second divorce, I decided that I never wanted to go through this painful transition experience again. And I realized through working with my coach that a core part of my pattern is that I was desperate to avoid loneliness at all costs, even at the price of staying in an unfulfilling relationship for years. I didn’t want to face my own ‘Self’ and feel lonely.
What I did is work really hard to get on top of that feeling of loneliness, so it no longer was directing my choices and my thinking. I chose to THINK rather than feel scared, and my thinking went along these lines as I climbed into bed each night:
“This is only one night. I can get through this one night, alone. I’ll wake up tomorrow morning, and I’ll be okay. I AM NOT DESPERATE!”
Within a few days I felt better. I began to realize that I didn’t have to avoid feeling lonely, that I was enough all by myself. I could stand on my own, in even such a small way as to crawl into bed, and realizing this, I began to feel less scared, less desperate, and more in charge of my own emotional life.
Never Again
With all honesty, it took me many weeks of saying this to myself every night as I climbed into bed, alone, before I felt free of the domination of that old fear of loneliness. But the progress was quick once I did begin this practice. I noticed that I was quickly changing how I felt, and I moved out from under that fear of loneliness more and more each day.
The benefits? I noticed that fear when it came up and I was dating someone and felt like I didn’t want to go on into a more committed relationship with her. I saw how desperation had led me to make two decisions in my past to get married when I knew, truly, that it wasn’t the right thing for me to do both times. And I found a new, hidden strength that has continued to guide me in relationship decisions ever since.
So many of my ‘Beyond Divorce’ coaching clients have taken this same pattern-replacing practice on and become happier, healthier and more grounded in their own ability to make good choices for themselves, once that old desperate pattern was replaced by this new, powerful practice.
Try it. Let me know how it goes for you, and how quickly those feelings of desperation and loneliness shrink smaller and smaller.
Best wishes to you!
Don McAvinchey
Beyond Divorce Coaching
Santa Fe, New Mexico
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