How do we tell the kids about our divorce?
Divorce can be a very tough decision for parents to come to, but it can be even more difficult to share the news with your children. So rather than guess, we posted this question to a bunch of family law professionals to see if there was a consensus or at least some guiding principles governing how parents should inform their kids about the divorce to minimize the impact.
Here is a summary of what we found out:
Things to consider when preparing to tell the kids about the divorce:
- The number one tip is that you need to let the kids know together.
- Parents should first talk together and make a plan of what they want to tell the children. Parents need to make sure that the conversation is appropriate for the age of the children. This way the children are hearing the same message from both parents at the same time. Explain that divorce only means that the couple no longer wishes to continue to live as husband and wife but there responsibilities as parents continues on forever-not until the kids are adults but for until the kids are there.
- Be honest, kids must know the truth as they can comprehend, meaning at their level. Allow the child to ask questions rather than giving an educational session. Answer truthfully and do not divert from the question asked. Answer just what was asked. However, the language must correspond with the child's emotional age. The kids can also see that the parents are still working together.
- Understand that you kids probably won't be "fine" with it. This will most likely devastate their world. Be prepared to support them. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss. If people around the child do not understand this then the child will go underground and hide his or her feelings. Do not buy into the myths : Time Heals, Don't Feel Bad, Be Strong, Here's a cookie and you'll feel better. You can't fix their feelings by teaching them these false and confusing ideas.
- No blaming, no personal feelings, just facts, keep all blame out of the conversation so that their kids can see that the parents are handling things okay so they can feel more secure in what's going on. Avoid blaming each other for the failed marriage because that will cause the kids to think of themselves as failures. Let the kids know they had nothing to do with it and that you both love them very much. Most of all, avoid calling each other names, even if you think the kids can't hear. You'd be surprise at just how intuitive kids can be.
- No coopting a child's loyalty by sharing adult-level information that cannot possibly be understood or digested, such as information about parental infidelities.
- In high-conflict divorce, parents are too often quick to draw children into the parental battlefield with information used merely for the purpose of revenge and destruction.
- In collaborative divorce, parents are, hopefully, more aligned around their kids, and can agree to set limits on information overload/exposure. Kids are resilient, if and when parents remember to keep protective barriers around their family intact.
- Do not ask your children questions such as "who do you want to live with" because this puts unnecessary pressure on the kids.Keep the lines of communication open as kids will likely have additional questions after they process the news. They are also likely to hear stories from other children at school and may need reassurance that their parents are not going to be like their friends' parents.
- Reassure your children that you are still a family, just one where mommy and daddy aren't married. Always giving them hope that " We are there for you in any ways but now in a new way , in a different way ...but we love you and always will" creates a sense of safety. and not suddenly when things need to crash and fall.
- Older children will probably know something is up before you even tell them. You want to make sure you create a sense of security and stability in their new home environment.
- Get help, find a therapist or counselor to help with your child's understanding.
- Always end the conversation with a positive spin: "Together we can handle this"! - "It may be difficult now but we will be OK"! - "I know this is not easy for all of us, including the missing parent, but the love for you has not changed". - "I am glad we can talk about these things". - "Now give me a smile"!......... If possible do a weekly family project with the absent parent. The child will know that s/he is not the reason why things between you have failed.
- Keep positive! - Kids are resilient if the parents do a good job!
After you tell the children about the divorce:
- Don't bring home new companions.
- Keep yourself healthy, this means staying up on exercise, a healthy diet and keeping a social life. If you are religious person, this may be a good time to find support through religious channels. The children will pick up on your overall well being. If you seemed stressed and shattered by the divorce, your kids may pick up similar emotions.
- Make sure they have quick and frequent contact with the move-out parent. When they have had time, ask them -- or use a professional -- for their feelings and ideas on the time that they will spend w/ Mom and Dad. Siblings are talking to each other and seeking out advice from their peers. Children complain that "no one asked me." Assure the children that Mom and Dad will make the decision, but they are interested in their ideas. Try to continue the same patterns. If Dad always took the daughter to ballet -- keep that pattern up even after the separation if you can. You are both still parents. Just not a couple.
Resources:
- How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- With Love! My now grown son, who was eleven when I divorced, wrote wrote the introduction. What makes this book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough break-the-news conversation. As an additional support system, I have also created the Child-Centered Divorce Network where parents can access free articles, my ezine, blog, valuable resources and services to help them create a “child-centered divorce” which will reap significant rewards in the months, years and decades to come. Please visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com to learn more.
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