From Power Struggles to Cooperation
I’m sure we all remember those toddler days when our kids were really good at saying “no”, running away when it was diaper changing time or throwing a fit because their favorite shirt wasn’t clean and ready to wear. Weren’t they suppose to grow out of this? If you’re still feeling challenged, provoked, threatened or defeated by your child’s behavior, cheer up, you’re not alone! Even though our kids have gained a few years, they can still be experts at successfully engaging us in power struggles.
Think of the child that finds every distraction possible rather then finding their clothes to get dressed in the morning. Or the child that digs in their heels saying “you can’t make me do my homework, and I’m not going to do it!” Or how about the child that argues about everything!
Whenever your child’s behavior leaves you feeling provoked, challenged, threatened or defeated, take a few minutes to calm down. Leave the room, count to ten, call a friend. Then, when you’re feeling calm, take a moment to get into your child’s world. Power struggles are win/loose situations. Someone wins and someone looses. Kids do not like to loose so they may take on some pretty absurd behaviors in order to win. Their behavior may look nonsensical to us, but to them it makes complete sense. By engaging in a power struggle, they are gaining significance and belonging by being in control, being boss and proving that no one can boss them around. I have to admit, power feels a lot better than feeling defeated, not noticed, powerless and insignificant.
Remember too that a power struggle can be quiet. The child that gets distracted while getting dressed in the morning is not actively defying you with words, but he or she is quietly challenging you with behavior.
I’m reminded of the mother who contacted me. She was at wits end because her three year old daughter would sit in a wet, dirty diaper rather than learn to use the toilet. The mom and daughter were engaged in a power struggle, mom wanting to make her daughter use the toilet, and the daughter wanting to win the power struggle. Daughter wanted to win so badly that she would sit for extended periods of time in her dirty diaper. Sound like some pretty absurd behavior? Mom tried some of the following suggestions and within due time her daughter was potty trained. In the beginning of this process, once again not wanting to “give in” or loose the battle, the daughter would sneak off to the toilet, hoping mom wouldn’t see her. If mom saw her, then mom won!
So, whatever your power struggle may be, I hope these suggestions will help. Some of these suggestions can help in the heat of the moment, others can help prevent power struggles and create more mutually respectful relationships.
*Withdraw from conflict and calm down. Model taking a break and cooling off. You’ll children will begin to learn this vital life skill too by watching you!
*Acknowledge that you can’t force him/her and ask for his/her help. Is your tone of voice, choice of words and boy language inviting cooperation?
*Don’t fight and don’t give in. Have respectful boundaries for yourself, your child and the situation.
*Be kind and firm at the same time.
*Act, don’t talk. And if you must talk, use ten words or less. Lectures and negotiations just prolong the struggle.
*Decide what you will do, not what you will make your child do.
*Let routines be the boss. “It’s 8:00, time to leave for the bus. “Pajamas on before we read our night time story”.
*Develop mutual respect. Respect for yourself, your child and the situation. Don’t walk all over your kids, or let them walk all over you.
*Give limited choices. Do you want to brush your teeth first or take a bath first?
*Get help from child to set reasonable and few limits. “I need your help with this. The way we are fighting over this is getting us nowhere. Can we decide on some reasonable solutions that would work for both of us?”
*Practice follow through. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. Stay away from threats and bribery. Kids learn quickly how to manipulate!
*Redirect to positive power. Find ways for children to contribute in ways that are meaningful to them. Allow them to make decisions that are developmentally appropriate. Don’t do for your children what they can do for themselves. Allow them space to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes. Allow children a voice that is respectful and helpful to the situation.
*Use Family Meetings. Family meetings are a place for democracy. All family members have an equal voice. The purpose of family meetings is to help each other and solve problems.
Power Struggles are uncomfortable and an unwanted part of parenting. Next time you feel one brewing, look at what you can do differently. As a parent you have a vital contribution as to whether or not power struggles become a part of your daily routine.
Article based on the work of Positive Discipline, Nelsen, Lott et.al.
Written by Melanie Miller, M.Ed.
Melanie is a Certified Positive Discipline Associate and works as a Parent Educator and Grade School Counselor. She offers parenting classes in the Bellevue, Kirkland and Redmond, WA area and is available as a Parent Coach and Trainer of professionals who work with families and in schools. You can contact her at Melanie_miller@verizon.net or 206.579.2172. To find out more about Positive Discipline, visit www.positivediscipline.org or www.sounddiscipline.org.
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