Don't spend $1,000 to fight over a $50 expense.
It is that not that uncommon to hear a story about divorced parents spending thousands in legal fees to fight over issues like a $200 expense or changes to the parenting schedule over the holidays. How does this happen? Why do otherwise logical and financially responsible people waste so much time and money fighting? Are the children’s best interests always the driving factor when parents engage in costly litigation over issues?
Many business schools require the reading of a book called, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
The book highlights four main points to consider in negotiations:
1. Separate the people from the problem - This will help in getting to a productive outcome. At the end of the day, both you and your co-parent need to come to a resolution that works for both of you. For the sake of your child, lose the you versus the co-parent mentality, it won't help either of you if you are looking at your co-parent as the enemy instead of your partner in the negotiation. As much as you may think you won't like it, something as simple as sitting on the same side of the table can help to shift both of your perceptions about the interaction. If there wasn't a problem, you wouldn't need to negotiate, but that doesn't mean that you both can't gain from the resolution.
2. Focus on interests, not positions - When you are stuck only working from your position and not your interest you are blinded to the alternatives that may be better for everyone. Imagine that your co-parent is requesting more time with the child, but the child is about to begin summer baseball, which is going to eat up a bunch of your time with the child driving them around. Rather than just denying the other parent's request for more time, you ask them if they could take the child to the baseball games and practices so you don't have to get off work early. This is a win-win, the other parent gets to spend more time with the child and you don't have leave work early to chauffeur your child to and from practice. This is a simplified example, but the lesson is very applicable, if you and your co-parent are able to communicate your interests with each other you can reach agreements that are better for everyone.
3. Invent options for mutual gain - This can be the most helpful for divorced parents. If you and your co-parent express your interests to one another, you open the door to more meaningful discussion of options that can help both of you. In the previous example, many other alternative solutions may be available. Unless you spend the time brainstorming over how you and co-parent can help each other, you will never get the old arguments to change into agreements. Empathy, or the ability to put yourself in the other parent's shoes, can really help you to better understand what alternatives will exist for both of you.
4. Insist on using objective criteria - Keeping a firm grip on reality can help to remove the emotions. Knowing how the courts would handle something or what the "traditional practices" are can help to keep both parents logical and reasonable. You should never find yourself backing down due to pressure. In a "principled negotiation" there are no winners or losers, you and the co-parent are problem solvers, not adversaries.
To help you in your negotiations you should know your "BATNA: Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement". "The reason you negotiate is to produce something better than the results you can obtain without negotiating." Think of your BATNA as the your worst case scenario if your discussions with the other parent breaks down completely.
For more information or to purchase your copy of Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
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