Connection, Connection, Connection
Many of us know that when it comes to buying a house it’s all about location, location, location. But have you ever heard that when it comes to parenting, it’s all about connection, connection, connection. In Dr. Ned Hallowell’s book, Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness; Five steps to help kids create and sustain lifelong joy, he describes connection as; “closeness to mother and/or father, perceived caring by mother and/or father, satisfaction with relationship with mother and/or father, and feeling understood, loved, wanted and paid attention to by family members”. Edward M. Hallowell,MD, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness (New York: Random House, 2002) 82. Ahhh, as I sink into those words I feel a sense of calm, a sense that all is well. And when our children feel that sense of connection, I’m guessing they feel similar feelings and have similar thoughts. Picture the toddler reading a book with mom, snuggled up on her lap where all is safe, calm and good. Or, imagine the excited first grader sharing the experience of riding a bike, without training wheels, as her parent fully listens and shares in the child’s excitement.
Once a child is born they begin a lifetime of connecting with their world. Crying, imitating sounds, gurgles and goos, smiles and laughter are all the beginning stages of how a child connects. They learn that when they cry, mom shows up, when they are hungry, they are fed. Their brains are beginning the wiring process for a lifetime of connection. An infant’s first year of life lays the blueprint for how they will connect with others. Davis, Penny G., MA, The Impact of Abuse and Neglect on Attachment, Brain Development, Learning and Behavior
A ground breaking study with adolescents is giving us the research needed to show the importance of Connection. The study is called the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and is “one of the most important, comprehensive and reliable studies of American youth ever undertaken”. Holloway 81. The study demonstrated empirically the power of connectedness. The first phase of the study included ninety thousand adolescent students, attending 145 different schools around the United States. This first phase involved hour long interviews with each student; the second phase was conducted one year later, again with face to face interviews.
The study found that there were two factors that most protected children from negative outcomes. Feeling connection at home was first. Second, was feeling connection at school. Children who feel connection at home and school were protected from emotional distress and suicidal thoughts or attempts. Connection protected against violent behavior as well as cigarette, alcohol, or marijuana use; and it protected against early sexual activity. Other factors helped significantly, but none were as powerful as the feelings of connection at home and at school. Hallowell, 2002.
So, what are you waiting for? Hang up the cell phone, turn off the e-mail, shut down the x-box and start connecting. Take a walk to the park, shoot some hoops, play with barbies, paint pictures, go on a bike ride, play a board game. We invest a lot into our house and place a lot of importance on location so that someday our efforts will pay off. Do the same for your children. Provide them with a childhood of connection so that they might have a lifetime of happiness.
For more information on how to bring more connection into your family, check out Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen, Ed.,D., www.positivediscipline.org , The Puget Sound Adlerian Sociaty, www.psasadler.org or The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness by Edward M Hallowell, MD.
Certified Positive Discipline Associate and works as a Parent Educator and Grade School Counselor. She offers parenting classes in the Bellevue, Kirkland and Redmond, WA area and is available as a Parent Coach and Trainer of professionals who work with families and in schools. You can contact her at or 206.579.2172. To find out more about Positive Discipline, visit www.positivediscipline.org or www.sounddiscipline.org
