Co-Parenting With Your Ex Does Not Have to Be an Oxymoron
I don’t think anyone would disagree that divorce is a painful, difficult, heart wrenching experience. But as hard as it is on the adults, it is even worse for the kids. The kids didn’t have a choice in this matter. This is completely out of their hands. So it is up to us as the adults in the situation to make this process as safe and healthy as it can be for their sake
There are 4 key truths when it comes to kids and divorce;
- Kids must remain connected to both parents
- Conflict between parents hurts kids.
- We can only change ourselves.
- The right thing to do for our kids too often seems unfair to us.
So how do you bring the level of conflict down so it doesn’t damage the children. You may even be saying to yourself, “that may have been possible for others, but not with my ex. You don’t know him/her.” And you are right, I don’t know your ex, but what I do know is this. The only one you can change is yourself. So it is not a good use of your time and energy to continue to focus on the other person and what they are doing. Instead focus on what you are doing and see what happens.
Family law attorney, Jill Poppe-MacKenzie offers these 5 powerful tips to reducing the conflict and providing a safe, healthy atmosphere for our kids.
1. Say thank you – find something that the other person did or said to be grateful for. It doesn’t have to be big, just a small thing, and say thank you. It accomplishes 2 things. First, it changes your own focus from looking for and focusing on the negative, to looking for the positive. That alone goes a long way to changing how you react to the other person. Second, it gives validation to the other person. It lets them know that in some way what they think, say or do still has value. It immediately takes some of the bad energy out of any situation.
2. Say I’m sorry - This is very hard to do. However, not only is it essential for building a peaceful bridge for your child(ren) to get to their other parent, but it also is necessary for your own well-being. Understanding that it took 2 to make the marriage and it took 2 to break it (no matter what awful things the other person did) is a huge step in letting go and moving on with your life. Taking responsibility for our own part in the break up of our marriage, while not an easy or quick process changes the divorce from a huge ugly event in your life, to a huge difficult learning experience. And if you have to go through it, it makes sense to make the most out of what it can teach you. The other important piece is how it models healthy healing for your child(ren). You don’t have to do it all at one time, start small and simple. “I’m sorry, I’m late.” “I’m sorry it was my fault I must have misunderstood.” BUT START!
3. Silence – Pick your battles very carefully. If everything is a problem then nothing is a problem. If you get upset about everything that the other person does or says, the impact of any argument is greatly reduced and even brought down to nothing. It becomes just another rant on your part to be ignored, or worse it is just more gas on an already burning fire. Save that all important energy that goes into any argument for the things that really and truly matter; things that effect the health and well being of your child(ren). Missing a bath over the weekend, while it may result in a less than pleasant smelling child, it will not result in the child’s death. However, life threatening activities, safety issues, emotional well-being issues are all well worth discussion. But make sure the discussion or argument is completely, utterly, and entirely out of any possibility of the child(ren) hearing.
Caution: Don’t assume that because your child tells you something was said or done, that it actually happened the way your child related it. Children are masters at using any situation to their advantage. It is just what they do. If your child tells you something that is upsetting, don’t react. Just go to the phone and call the “ex” and politely, nicely ask. Is this what happened? It will save a lot of stomach acid on both sides.
Silence also means taking seriously what I call the “Thumper Rule” – If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” When you are with your child(ren), don’t say bad things about your ex-spouse. No matter how unhappy you may be with the “ex”, your child(ren) love(s) him/her very much. It only hurts the child to hear you say bad things and makes their relationship with you more difficult.
4.) Be a communication Detective – In other words, find out how you can communicate with your “ex” in a way that will allow them to hear what you say without as many misunderstandings or as much conflict. Figure out how your “ex” prefers to communicate. Do they like to have time to think things over before making a decision? Do they make instantaneous decisions? Do they prefer to have a weeks advance notice or more, or are they OK with last minute. Do they prefer just the facts on an issue or do they want back story on everything? Discovering a persons preferred method of communication and using it as often as possible will greatly reduce the number of conflicts in and of itself, because it reduces the number of accidental misunderstandings.
5.) Finally and most importantly PRAY - This is the most important part of the process. Because without prayer, without the help and guidance of our higher power however we understand him, the process of working on and changing ourselves is too big. Let’s face it, this job is also too important to attempt alone. It directly relates to our children’s ability to grow up to be healthy, responsible adults.
I hope that these tips will be of some help to you as you navigate the painful waters of separation and divorce. As I said earlier, one of the important things to remember is, the kids didn’t have a choice in this matter. This is completely out of their hands. It is up to us as the adults in the situation to make this process as safe and healthy as it can be for their sake.
Written by Carole Lundell
Check out this website: www.1bridge2peace.com.
About the author: Carole Lundell is a Parenting Coach and Coordinator in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area. She also has personal experience in this area as she is divorced herself. Her practice is based on personal experience, a passion for helping families raise healthy kids, a passion for the philosophy that Jill Poppe MacKenzie has been using in her law practice for 15 years, and 23 years experience in the area of Youth and Family ministry both as a lay person and as an ordained pastor. Carole can be reached at parentfamilysolutions@comcast.net . Carole is also a partner in the project started by Jill Poppe MacKenzie, 1bridge2peace.
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