Avoiding Power Struggles
I do not believe in getting into power struggles with our children. The outcome of getting into a power struggle with our kids is actually a lose-lose proposition. We may win because we have more power, but we lose because the parent-child relationship suffers and we end up in a foul mood. In addition, if we try to win something we can't win ("You are not permitted to be friends with that boy."), we look pretty stupid. I love this example.
You may recall the oil crisis from the late '70's– I do. I was teaching high school health education and coaching basketball. School days were shortened and varsity basketball games were moved to the afternoon, as schools were only open during daylight hours.
During this crisis, the country of Jamaica was financially devastated because Jamaica is 100% dependent on foreign oil. The government was going broke and Jamaicans were rightfully concerned about losing their savings. As the story was told to me, people began taking their money out of the bank and converting cash (fearful money would have no value) to jewelry and gems. The government intervened and limited how much money citizens could withdrawal from their bank accounts. A second law enacted shortly thereafter made it illegal for Jamaicans to ship their wealth out of the country. Here is where the story gets really good.
An anonymous person placed a phone call to the international airport in Jamaica and said that a doctor (we'll call him Dr. Stuart) would be flying out of the country the next day and was hiding gems and expensive jewelry inside a fake cast on his arm. When Dr. Stuart arrived at the airport the next day, the security people detained Dr. Stuart and carefully removed the cast. There were no gems to be found and Dr. Stuart was furious with the airport personnel for detaining him, removing his cast, and causing him to miss his flight. The next flight to his destination wasn't going out again until the following day. Dr. Stuart left Jamaica the next day-- with a new cast on-- and the jewels inside the cast. You see, Dr.Stuart called security on himself! Dr. Stuart conned security, believing that the authorities would never humiliate him a second time-- the real day he wanted to fly out of the country. Dr. Stuart won the power struggle, and as a result, had less respect for governmental authority. Power struggles can lead to the same result for parents.
Picking your battles
I also detest the phrase "pick your battles." I don't want to get into battles with my kids at all--- that would mean we fight, are in a power struggle and only one of us is not going to get his way. As the parent, I decide which ones I will win and which ones I will lose. The solution is to look for win-wins
When our kids ask us to buy them things, or take them somewhere or to do a favor for them, the simplest answer is often to say no:
"Mom, can I sleep over at Samantha's on Friday?" Mom: "No."
"Dad, if I get my homework done, can I go watch Monday Night Football at Jim's house?" Dad: "Absolutely not. It is a school night."
"Mom, John Mayer has a new CD-- will you take me to the mall and buy it for me-- I will pay you back?" Mom: "I have no time and a million things to do. Not tonight."
We display wisdom when we save "no" for the big things-- sex, drinking, piercings, tatoos, and lying to name a few. If we are constantly saying no, when we really need our kids to accept no as an answer it won't have much influence because they hear it all time. Using the three cases above, I much prefer,
"You can go to Samantha's until midnight, and I will pick you up. These sleepovers wipe you out and you take days to recover."
"The game probably won't be over until close to midnight. I am fine with you going until the end of the third quarter, then you are going to bed."
"I have a lot of work to do. You make your own lunch for tomorrow, clean up the family room and fold the clothes that are in the dryer, and we'll make it work."
We should want our kids to see us as cooperative, reasonable and understanding. If we try to create win-wins with our kids, then when we have to say no, they are more likely to accept our answer. If they don't like hearing no and try to manipulate us into changing ours minds, we can accurately say,
"Don't I do my best to say yes when you want to do something? I always try to see things from your point of view, but in this case, the answer is no. If you want an explanation I will be happy to give you one, but realize that you may not like my reasons."
Control What You Can Control
Another strategy we can incorporate into our parenting to keep us from getting into power struggles is to control what we can control and let go of what we can't control. Using my daughter as an example, I could have gotten into power struggles with her over how poorly she was taking care of her teeth, her failure the piano, continually going to bed late, and her lousy eating healthily. Actually the list goes on and on. I was a caring parent who did my best to encourage her to make good choices, but I refused to force her to do what I thought she needed to do. On these occasions, I would stop and ask myself, "What can I control?" Using the issue of her teeth, I could control:
1) What I said to her.
• "Don't you think you ought to brush your teeth before you go to bed?
• "I haven't seen you floss for days."
• "Your teeth are looking a little yellow."
• I am worried you'll get a bad report from the dentist next month."
2) What I am willing to do and not do.
• I am not willing to buy sugary food when I shop.
• I am not willing to stop for ice cream after dance class.
• I am not willing to pay for desserts when we eat out.
• I am willing to buy floss and a fluoride dental rinse.
I have always placed paramount importance on maintaining a connected relationship with my daughter. Arguing and attempting to force her to do what I wanted her to do was counterproductive. The only option I had was to stand and watch a twelve-year-old her brush her teeth and floss and comment on how well or poorly she was doing.
As a result of having a good relationship, I was able to express my concerns to her without her tuning me out. She is much better at making decisions, and we've never grown apart.
Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, available as an e-book on his website, www.coachforparents.net. Alan can be contacted at alancrsn@gmail.com
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